Nicholas' Gift, Olivia's Hope

Robbed, Part II

2012-02-11T14:38:00.001-06:00

I hesitated at going through with my previous post, but there is something healing in being truthful and bringing dark places to the light. I didn't mean to leave things here that raw for so long, because in fact just by sharing it took the power out of it and it is a healed place now. So, here is the conclusion:

Yes, I was robbed. But Jesus made it right.

Robbed

2012-01-13T08:00:00.002-06:00

I was robbed.

For a long time I have not wanted to admit this. Because I didn't want to acknowledge that we live in a world in which I can be robbed and God is still good.

But I was still robbed. And God is still good.

I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.
Job 19:25

Remembering Olivia

2012-01-12T08:00:00.000-06:00

Where has my little Livvie gone? Where is the sister that belongs between the oldest and the youngest? Where is the tiny bright one?

Olivia's death was so desolate because we thought she was to be our consolation. We were determined that her loss would not be the death of hope as well. We were determined that hope would continue on.

That's a lot of responsibility for a baby girl, but I think she would have been able to handle it. I was so curious to see the woman she would grow up to be. I could see a glimpse of it in the little person she was.

Olivia Hope, what more can I say? You already know my heart. Peace, little one.

But I am like an olive tree
   flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love
   for ever and ever.
For what you have done I will always praise you
   in the presence of your faithful people.
And I will hope in your name,
   for your name is good.
Psalm 52:8-9

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T14:51:00.000-06:00

I love the start of a new year. It is fresh, full of possibilities, and a chance to begin again. I'm also into making resolutions. I am a person for whom the possibilities are endless, and I need the structure and discipline of narrowing my focus.

I have only one resolution this year.

Not to be so hard on myself.

I also know that there are some areas of my life that I need to establish some convictions, but I wouldn't call those resolutions. They are just part of fulfilling the big one. Because in my world the possibilities are endless, I have a hard time making decisions. Coming to conclusions. Finishing things. I am embarking on a journey in prayer and in the Word to establish God's truth in a number of areas in my life. Being a mom who works. How to manage our money with both discipline and generosity. How far I need to go to ensure my family is healthy. Being a person who makes decisions with wisdom and discernment, and not impulsively. How to balance all the people and things I am responsible for, and to give each of them their appropriate place and energy.

I have felt a heart call to seek what holiness means. What it means to live as a Christ-follower in this society, this time in history, the relationships in which I have been placed. While this may sound counter-intuitive to my one resolution, what it means is that it forces me to learn how to run to the Lord's throne of grace and receive mercy in my time of need. I don't know how to do that, but I sure do mean to find out.

As far as taking stock of 2011, I would say overall it was "no better, no worse". The areas in which we seek significant change still continue to exist. No better, no worse. What that tells me is that we haven't found the root causes yet, and if there's something I love to do, it is to seek out why things are the way they are. The only area I would say that this doesn't apply is how we relate to each other as a family. We delight in our children in a way that is better and better every day. We have realized that the "keeping up with the Joneses" kind of world we are surrounded by is empty and false, and long for simplicity and sweet time together. The Lord continues to be gracious to us in this area, but of course we always want more.

Practically, the significant event of 2011 I would record here would be Corrie's return to Dr. Hook early in the year. He finally has a Ford with an auto-loader, a dream come true for him. However, I wouldn't be surprised to see a change coming up soon, if the right truck comes along. Or if the right job comes along. While towing continues to be successful for him, it is at a cost of a lot of time away from his family. We would like to see that change, if possible. I also returned to work in February. I returned to my same job and the Lord linked us up with a loving family close by who takes excellent care of our kids. I think we have settled into an acceptable routine. When I despair that I don't get to see enough of my girls, I remember that it is a gift that I even get to see them every day. I remember that we have two more kids that we can only see in our memories.

As I was thinking of a Scripture to proclaim over the coming year, this one came to mind. I am encouraged by the truth that God wants to refresh us from "the river of His pleasures". Dear friends and family, it is our heartfelt prayer that you receive all the blessings God has in store for you in 2012!

Your mercy, O LORD, is in the heavens;
       Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
Your righteousness is like the great mountains;
       Your judgments are a great deep;
       O LORD, You preserve man and beast.

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
       Therefore the children of men put their trust
       under the shadow of Your wings.

They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.
For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light.

Psalm 36: 5-9

Remembering Nicholas

2011-11-27T08:00:00.001-06:00

We had a son once.

He was a beautiful boy with a gentle spirit. He was happy and snuggly and looked like his dad.

Our house needs a little boy. We need cars and trucks and denim overalls and army men. We need hockey sticks and footballs and a fort in the big tree in the back yard.

Nicholas, we miss you more and more with each passing year. Not just for the little boy you were, but also for the son you were going to be. Our only consolation is that we will know you in eternity - all of you, the Nicholas we never really got a chance to know - and that we will be reunited then.

...for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith... 1 John 5:4

4 Years Already

2011-07-18T08:00:00.001-05:00

This year marks what would have been Nicholas & Olivia's 4th birthday. Here's a picture of Sabrina from the day of her 4th birthday:

Wow. They would have been little kids by now.

As the time since they left this earth grows longer and longer, I find that this day is more of a remembrance for me than it is a celebration of another milestone for them. I can't help but think this way. They are now ageless in Heaven and to celebrate a traditional birthday for them just doesn't make sense anymore.

This is the day that I gave birth to twins. 4 years ago already. They did actually exist on this earth. They did come for a purpose, that was accomplished in its fullness, as the Lord willed. I would have done it all over again, just for the exquisite pleasure of being their mom for the time I was given.

Happy Birth-day, my darlings. We remember you today.

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

Such a good dad...

Life With Zoe

2011-05-20T22:11:00.004-05:00

Mother's Day Tribute

2011-05-08T08:00:00.007-05:00

Ok, I have to start with a confession. It did not occur to me until it was practically too late that Mother's Day was actually this weekend. Is it earlier this year?? Since both our mothers do not live in our city, any kind of special occasion like this requires planning and forethought. *sigh*

So, on top of begging my mother's forgiveness for my oversight (oh, the infinite grace of a mother!) I turned to the Lord and asked Him what could I do to honor her today. I believe He put it on my heart to tell her about the things I remember.

My mother is a woman who likes to keep busy. Even if she is sitting still, she needs to be doing something with her hands. She is an artist with yarn, and not only has knitted beautiful sweaters for me, but I especially remember a bunting bag for my dolls she made that was perfect because you could put all your doll stuff in the bottom of it. I wished I still had it for my real babies, but we couldn't find it or the pattern again. Crochet is her preference now, and she is generous with her creations. Her handmade, intricate afghans have been given to many as gifts, including the kids at the Children's Hospital. I love her creative process. She takes great care to choose her colors and patterns, and almost always alters the pattern to make it her own. If she makes an error, she will always unravel and fix it. Even if she was almost done and it was near the beginning. It always boggled my mind that she would do that when only she would know there was a flaw. Now I know it is a mark of her character and integrity. I think she enjoys the process just as much as the end result.

My mom has a servant heart. If you have followed this blog, you know she was there for us through everything we went through with the twins. But you should also know that she has always been there for her children. I remember the lengths she would go to for our Hallowe'en costumes. She once hand-made a Raggedy Ann costume for me, complete with red yarn wig. She also sourced out all the things I needed to be a mad scientist one year. I don't know that I would do that even for my own kids, to be honest.

Our house was always neat and clean. We always ate homemade, nourishing food. I didn't know it at the time, but the care that she put into our home was a center point of stability for us. Our family had its issues, as most families do, but our home was not chaotic. And she was so kind to me. As a traditional home, the care of the household was my mom's responsibility. She would remember how she felt as the only daughter growing up, and would often excuse me from chores. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have helped her more.

We never went out shopping on a Saturday until she took the time to balance her checkbook. I wish I had paid more attention to the significance of that. She has always been a careful steward of what has been entrusted to her, and I respect that. I wish that kind of attribute was genetic. I have had to learn that one the hard way.

I remember how kind she was to our elderly neighbor growing up. She would visit with her often, check in on her, and help her out. I admire that quality in her. I would like to be like that. My Christianity has tended to be theoretical. Hers has been practical.

There are so many more things I remember. And they are the things that now shape how I serve my own family. I have had a slow maturity. I am not the girl I once was. But I believe the woman I am becoming has had a lot to do with remembering all the ways I was served by my mother.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T22:08:00.003-05:00

"...in Your Kingdom, broken lives are made new..."

He is risen indeed!

Happy 1st Birthday!

2011-03-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

It has been a most blessed year since you joined our family, Zoe. I believe your special gift, your anointing, is to bring joy to those around you. Your infectious smile, good nature, and joyous spirit brings abundant life wherever you go. We celebrate you today!

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10

The Birth Story of Zoe Grace

2011-03-19T20:59:00.008-05:00

Our Zoe burst forth into this world on a sunny afternoon of a beautiful spring day. I had been experiencing rumblings for days before, leaving me with a vague feeling like her arrival could be at any time.

At about 2:30 in the morning, I leapt out of bed as best a 9-month pregnant woman could. I was astonished to discover that my water had broke, completely on its own. I sleepily thought to myself, well this is going to be a long day so I should get some rest, and went back to bed. I woke again a few hours later, alerted my midwife that labour had started, and she popped by to make sure we were doing all right.

I spent the morning wandering around the house, made some soup, and marveled that I wasn't in any discomfort. Maybe my prayers for an easy labour had been answered! When my midwife came to check on us again around 1:00 she expressed some concern that labour had not really progressed and reminded me that we really only had about a 24-hour window from when my water broke before we would have to consider further medical intervention.

So I got down to work. I marched and squatted around and around my basement, reluctant to walk outside and go any distance from the house. It didn't take long for contractions to intensify and become constant around that magic 5 minute mark. Sabrina was due home from school just after 3:00 and I asked Corrie to take me to the hospital because I knew it wouldn't be long. I could feel Zoe descend with each contraction. So, after only 1 1/2 hours of active labour we met the midwife at the labour & delivery triage. I was only 4 cm but working hard, and my wonderful midwife convinced the L & D staff that I was ready for a LDRP room (labour, delivery, recovery, postpartum). I was increasingly uncomfortable, and had to concentrate very hard on keeping my inner stillness and relaxing through the contractions. This was my first labour without an epidural, and I was using prayer, breathing, meditation, and singing to help my body do the work it needed to do. We were only settled in the room for a few minutes when the tub was ready, and I was grateful for the warm water on my lower back.

However, the relaxation of the tub progressed my labour significantly, and after only about 15 minutes, I was urgently aware of an intense need to push, and the staff scrambled to haul me out of the tub and rush me back to my room. I think it was only two pushes and Zoe's head burst forth with a yell. She made her first cry even before she was completely out! Then one more push and she was in my arms.

I think we were all shocked. This was not what I had envisioned my natural delivery to be like, but I was grateful it was over so quickly. We had only been at the hospital about 1 1/2 hours, and from the onset of active labour, it had actually only been 3 hours in total. I think my body was surprised at how quickly Zoe's birth had taken place, too. The second midwife arrived to help with our after care, and she and Corrie gave Zoe her first bath. She, however, did not want a bath yet and was quite ready to eat!

I was excited and energized - we laid Zoe on my chest and allowed her to find the breast on her own. I was delighted to discover that she knew exactly what to do, and for the first time in my life as a mother, I was able to feed my child naturally with confidence. God is such a redeemer!

This is quite likely to be my last birth experience, and I'm so glad I was able to go out on a high note. Our little Zoe, full of life abundant, would not be held back and took charge of her own birth. I was just along for the ride. Praise be to God!

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.
James 1:17

Zoe at 11 Months

2011-02-26T20:44:00.004-06:00

Our baby is growing up! Chattering non-stop, into everything, crawling everywhere. She's pulling herself up and I think will start cruising soon. Just the other day she learned how to feed herself with a spoon. Mealtimes are much quieter if we let her do it herself...

Isn't she precious?

Zoe at 10 Months

2011-02-02T21:27:00.003-06:00

10 month-old Zoe is a crawling, jumping, singing, chattering little bundle of sunshine. She has 7 teeth already and loves to use them! She is quite enthusiastic about solid foods and prefers to self-feed whenever we give her the opportunity.

I just returned back to work this week and she has been spending the days with a friend and her little ones. The first day was an adjustment for her, but the little trooper is settling in happily and blessing their household with her sweet disposition.

I believe her special purpose on this earth is to bless those around her with abundant life! and her joyful presence. But I'm more than a little biased.

Two Camps

2011-01-24T14:21:00.002-06:00

In conversation with a dear friend lately about being an SMA family, she remarked that we as a group tend to be divided into two camps: those who chose the palliative route and those who chose a more aggressive treatment route. I hadn't really thought of it much, to tell you the truth. I've made no secret here that I have deliberately avoided the "SMA culture" and whether that is good or bad I make no judgment. It just is where I'm at right now, and if it needs to change, I trust God to move in my heart.

Making the decision on the best care for your child and your family is an incredibly difficult one. I believe we were encouraged to consider the palliative route, but I also believe that was out of experience and much consideration of the alternatives. If we had chosen a more aggressive route, we would have had support for that as well. I believe the medical team we worked with had a great respect for the decision. If you asked me a year or two ago if I would have liked to consult with families before we made our decisions who had experience from each alternative, I would have said yes. Now I'm not so sure.

My observations over the years when I have come across similar situations with different outcomes is that those who have chosen a more aggressive treatment route believe they are fighting for their children and have often already decided that those who chose palliative care gave up on their children. That they were selfish, not wanting to care for a high-needs child, or put their families through difficulty. That it was easier to let their children die. As if they had no more relationship with their child than the family pet.

On the other hand, if we are being honest, how often have we who chose palliative care for our children wondered if those who have pursued a more aggressive, round-the-clock treatment for their children had taken everyone's best interests at heart. The demands of caring for a fragile, terminally ill child can take a heavy toll on those in the family who are not prepared for the long haul.

Before you stop reading and start writing me a scathing response, hear me out. Neither judgment is fair. Why do we even have these two camps? Why is there not the respect for each family's individual decision made in the context of so many things you will never be able to fully know? Friends, those of you who are selflessly caring for your beautiful children with SMA around the clock, I applaud you. You knew what the right path was for your child and you took it, knowing that it would not be easy. Companions, those of you who gave your children with SMA as much love as they could take while still here on this earth and then bravely let them go when it was their time, I applaud you. You knew what the right path was for your child and you took it, knowing that it would not be easy.

I felt condemned for a long time, by myself and others, when I would hear of children with SMA living long past the average, but with great cost and sacrifice. Did I give up too soon? Was I selfish? I had to let that go and come to peace with the decisions we made and the care we provided, or it would have eaten me up like a cancer. I believe with my whole heart that we did the right thing for our children, just as you believe you are doing the right thing for your children. We can't make a judgment on which camp is right. God's will for each family is going to be different. But we could start supporting each other and work together toward the common goal of finding a cure for this horrible disease.

The Goodness of God

2011-01-22T21:45:00.003-06:00

Recently, I was given an opportunity to speak to the mom's group at my church. I chose to share some of my story and what I've learned about the goodness of God. This is what I wrote in preparation - I wanted to share it here as well:

3 years ago, almost to the day, I stood on my back step with my baby girl and prayed to God that His will be done – and probably meant it for the first time in my life.

What I want to share with you today is some of my experience with the goodness of God. I don’t know about you, but I seem to need to learn my lessons the hard way. And for those of you who don’t know my story, I’ve been through some hard things in the last 3 years.

I am a mother of 4. I have Sabrina, my oldest, who is 8, and you all know Zoe, my youngest at 8 months. I also had twins 3 years ago who died at 4 ½ months and 6 ½ months.

Nicholas and Olivia were born on July 18, 2007, on my husband’s birthday. I didn’t know I was carrying twins until my 20 week ultrasound. I had suspicions because I was so big so early, but it was my second pregnancy and the midwife had only heard one heartbeat so far. We found out at the ultrasound that their heartbeats were synchronized. The technician was looking around a bit, then stopped and said, “Hm. What do you see here?” It was a while since I had had a prenatal ultrasound, so I thought I was seeing a baby. She said, “That’s two heads there.” Horrified, I said, “On one body??” She quickly reassured me that there were two babies.

And so our journey began. I had a good pregnancy, went right to the end, even had to be induced because I was so big I couldn’t stand it anymore. Life with two babies was very challenging, but I loved it. Nicholas was a dream baby – content, rarely cried, slept a lot. Which was helpful in taking care of Olivia – she was colicky and needed a lot of attention. She was so tiny; I think she felt she needed to fight to make sure she was getting taken care of.

We were concerned about Nicholas. At six weeks he was quite floppy, couldn’t hold up his head, and it was getting harder and harder to feed him. He was admitted to the Children’s Hospital for a few days at the beginning of September for a variety of tests. We were told that they suspected he had Spinal Muscular Atrophy Type I and wanted to confirm with a blood test. We were told we would probably only have a few more months with him. SMA is a genetic condition where the cells along the spinal cord do not regenerate, resulting in muscle weakness, difficulty swallowing, and eventually respiratory failure. It is the #1 genetic killer of infants. And all this was going on right around Sabrina’s first day of school. I remember having to leave Nicholas at the hospital so I could see her off on this important day.

What do you do after that? Have you ever had a dream broken so hard that you can feel and hear it shatter right in the center of you? We went home, sought the Lord in prayer for Nicholas’ healing, and carried on with life as we knew it. I refused to believe that God would let Nicholas die. I was firm in my belief that he would be healed, and did not read any materials on SMA or speak to families with SMA. I held on tight to my big miracle, and did whatever I could do to make Nicholas comfortable as his weakness progressed.

Just after Sabrina’s 5th birthday, Nicholas took a turn for the worse. I drove him to the emergency room in the early hours of November 2nd, praying he wouldn’t die in his car seat on the way there. He had a collapsed lung but was stabilized and admitted to a special care wing. He was only there for a couple hours before he crashed again, with the other lung collapsing and was taken to the intensive care unit. This is where the doctors started to talk to us about orders to not resuscitate and “comfort measures” (which I didn’t know then, refer to palliative care). I had no idea why they were talking to me about these things – I knew Nicholas was going to get better. They realized that I was not following what they were saying and started on a treatment plan to try to get him well enough to come home. After about a week in intensive care, Nicholas steadily improved enough to be taken back to the special care wing, where we worked on a plan to get him well enough to bring him home.

Oh my little boy was such a trooper. He fought and smiled and was the darling of the special care wing. I spent my days at the hospital and evenings at home with my girls.

By the end of November, Nicholas had no fight left in him. The doctors pulled us aside and asked us to consider taking him off of supported breathing. I couldn’t believe we had to give up but one look at him and we knew that we had put him through enough. We spent a peaceful afternoon saying goodbye to our little boy on November 27, 2007 and his spirit left us while I held him in my arms.

I still thought that my miracle was coming. If God let him die, then maybe he would raise him from the dead. But as time went on and we took care of his little body I knew that the miracle I was expecting was not going to come. I was desolate. We went home to our girls, exhausted.

Which brings me back to where I started my story this morning. A week after Nicholas died, I was spending my first alone time with Olivia in a long time. I realized that for a 4 month old baby, she didn’t do much. She couldn’t lift her head, wasn’t kicking and moving around, and wasn’t even attempting to roll over. I was sick as I realized that she had SMA too. I called my husband and the pediatrician and bundled Livvie up to take her to the hospital to confirm what I already knew.

I stood on my back step, about to take my baby girl back to the same place I just left, and the only thing I could do was give up. I said to the Lord, “Your will be done” and meant it for the first time in my life. I was too tired, too heartsick to fight any more for what I wanted. I needed God to take over because I had nothing in me for this. I had been to the abyss and back already and hadn’t been destroyed yet. God had to carry me through this or I would surely die.

Olivia was confirmed with a clinical diagnosis and had the blood test as well. We stayed overnight that night, and took her home the next day, but we were back within a couple days when she started to experience respiratory troubles. The special care unit staff told me later that seeing us come back with another baby to their unit was the hardest thing they had ever seen. And they have seen a lot of hard things. We didn’t put Olivia through all the things we put Nicholas through. We made her comfortable and were able to bring her home during the daytimes. She came home for Christmas and we celebrated it with her and all our family. Early in January, Olivia succumbed to respiratory failure and we said goodbye to her on a cold winter morning, just as the sun was coming up on January 12, 2008. Her spirit left us while she was snuggled in her daddy’s arms. Again, we went home empty and desolate.

I wanted to share with you today some of what I know about the goodness of God. The biggest thing I learned through all this is that God IS who He IS regardless of what is going on in our lives, and what saved me from complete destruction is devoting time to finding out who this God really IS.

14 And God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And He said, “Thus you shall say to the children of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” Exodus 3:14

You see, I had entered into this journey with the mistaken belief that I had earned my salvation. Why was this happening to me? I studied the Word, I prayed every day, I was involved in a church. I was supposed to be protected from this stuff! What God has been doing in the last three years is tearing down the lie that I can (and need to) earn my salvation. God never promised that things would be easy, in fact there are many places in His Word that tell us to expect difficult things, but He did promise that He is good. And He challenges us to try Him out and see.

“Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!” Psalm 34:8

“3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, 8 whom having not seen[a] you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.” I Peter 1:3-9

“2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-3

“12 Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; 13 but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.” 1 Peter 4:12-13

I knew deep in my spirit that there was no alternative to God. You know, how you just know something? So in my sorrow I needed to find out what kind of God was this that I served that would give me the abundance of twin babies then take them away from me one by one. I still don’t know the answer to that one. But in all that I’ve learned about God since then I’ve decided that if He hasn’t revealed it to me then I don’t need to know right now.

“21 Peter, seeing him, said to Jesus, “But Lord, what about this man?”
22 Jesus said to him, “If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me.”” John 21:21-22

“8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

But after all this what He did reveal to me is that it isn’t finished yet.

Have you ever tasted cookie batter before you put in the sugar? What if someone came in to the kitchen while you were making cookies, tasted your batter and told you it was terrible? You, knowing the full picture of what was going to happen, would tell him that it isn’t finished yet. That’s the truth I lean on when things around me look hopeless and taste terrible. It’s not finished yet. God has a plan, and it’s a beautiful one. But it’s not finished yet. Or better yet, it is finished from Jesus’ perspective, but we’re still in the middle of the story.

11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

28 “After this, Jesus, knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the Scripture might be fulfilled, said, “I thirst!” 29 Now a vessel full of sour wine was sitting there; and they filled a sponge with sour wine, put it on hyssop, and put it to His mouth. 30 So when Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, “It is finished!” And bowing His head, He gave up His spirit.” John 19:28-30

I went through some hard things with my babies, and I have some hard memories. But I also have some amazing memories too. God was with me in such a strong way during that time that to even hear a worship song from that time will move me to tears with remembering the fullness of His presence. The Word says that He will carry your grief and sorrow, and friends that is the absolute truth.

3 “He is despised and rejected by men,
A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him;
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
4 Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten by God, and afflicted.
5 But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 53:3-5

1 “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me,
Because the LORD has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-3

I can remember feeling so sheltered, so shielded, so protected and that was only by the grace of God. He knew what we had to walk through and showed Himself able to carry our grief and our sorrow so we could walk through it and remain whole. Not only whole, but better! I can say that I have never been happier in my life, and that is through the power of the Word in me. The Word works, my friends! You’re going to need to come to the point where you either choose to believe the Word or not. Is God who He says He IS?

There are some of you here today that have hard things in your life right now or hard things coming up that you think you should be protected from. And you are! But maybe not in the way that you are expecting. I challenge you to ask God for a new perspective on that hard thing in your life. He loves to answer prayers like that. He tells us over and over in His Word to trust Him. But I have learned that you cannot trust what you don’t know. Taste and see that the Lord is good! Seek to know Him as He really IS and discard the things that you have believed about Him that aren’t truth from His Word.

It took me two years of learning about who God IS to trust Him when He told us to try again for another baby. Corrie and I are both genetic carriers for SMA, so any child we conceive will have a 25% risk of having the same genetic condition Nicholas & Olivia died from. We knew we had to do something or spend the rest of our lives here on earth in the hell of self-protection, trying to keep ourselves from being hurt again. God told us to walk by faith, and not by sight, and so we did.

“1 For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven, 3 if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. 4 For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.
6 So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. 7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.”
II Corinthians 5: 1-8

And God was faithful. We named our miracle Zoe Grace, for in the step of faith we took in bringing her in to our family, she brought us new life, abundant life.

10 “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

Would I be here speaking to you of my happiness if God hadn’t given us another healthy baby? Yes. Maybe our reward wouldn’t have been Zoe but it would have been something else that would have been just as wonderful.

7 “Instead of your shame you shall have double honor,
And instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion.
Therefore in their land they shall possess double;
Everlasting joy shall be theirs.” Isaiah 61:7

6 “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6

God tells us over and over He wants to give us the desires of our heart.

4 “Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

But we also have a responsibility to seek Him in showing us what the true desires of our heart really are. Only God can discern the thoughts and intentions of the heart. We think we know what we want, but no one knows us better than our Father.

9 “ The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it?
10 I, the LORD, search the heart,
I test the mind,
Even to give every man according to his ways,
According to the fruit of his doings.” Jeremiah 17:9-10

12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

I could talk all day about the things I’ve learned about God, but what I want to leave with you today is that God is good because He says He is. There are things in our lives that aren’t good, some of them are our fault, and some of them are not, but He has also promised that Jesus would redeem them all. How great is that?

So here are some tips for a busy mom to get a daily dose of the Word, that truth about God that will sustain you through all the storms of life:

• Sitting down and reading your Bible may be obvious but is not the only way to the Word. Television and internet ministries are a great source to hear the Word while you are trying to get things done.
• I’m actually an auditory learner and I didn’t make a lot of headway in my Christian walk until I invested in teaching on CD. Joyce Meyer has been one of my favorites, but Charles Stanley, Chuck Swindoll, and Kenneth Copeland are fantastic too and all are on radio, TV, internet, and Podcast.
• I would download the podcasts and CD’s on my iPod and listen while on the bus, going for walks, and cleaning the house. There’s also a great podcast called the Daily Audio Bible that takes you through the Bible in one year.
• Reading books about Biblical topics that quote the Word count too. There are many concepts that I only really learned through reading authors like Philip Yancey and CS Lewis.
• Let’s not forget Christian fiction. Francine Rivers allowed me to visualize what godly relationship should look like and helped me to understand a new perspective on God’s love. The Circle Trilogy by Ted Dekker is an incredible allegory of how Christ came to save us from sin.

I’m not saying that you don’t need to read your Bible, because you know you do! But don’t make it a law that “thou shalt sit down with thy Bible”. Seek to get the Word in you every day in any way you can.

The Word for the Day

2011-01-12T15:34:00.000-06:00

For the LORD will comfort Zion,
He will comfort all her waste places;
He will make her wilderness like Eden,
And her desert like the garden of the LORD;
Joy and gladness will be found in it,
Thanksgiving and the voice of melody.

Isaiah 51:3

Remembering Olivia

2011-01-12T08:00:00.001-06:00

It's hard to believe it's already been 3 years since your spirit left us early on a cold winter morning. Olivia, I really would have loved to see you grow up. You were so much personality put into one tiny little package! It's been a consolation that you and your sisters look so much alike but it's just not the same here without you.

Sweetheart, know that you are missed and cherished dearly in our hearts. I look forward to the day when we can all be together again - what a wonderful day that will be!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T08:00:00.002-06:00

Just as predicted, 2010 was a year of big changes and big blessings for our family. We started the year by declaring that we were going to "trim the fat" in a number of areas, and I'm happy to report that we were successful! So successful that we want to continue to get better and better at it.

Our biggest blessing of the year, of course, was the arrival of our Zoe Grace on March 25. She has been a delight right from the beginning, a true gift of God's goodness. She was tested for SMA at birth and 9 long weeks later we received the joyous news that she is healthy! She is truly "life abundant". I have enjoyed this maternity leave so much! I connected with the Mom's Group at my church, accomplished some projects around the house, invested more time in Sabrina, and oh yeah, spent a whole lot of time with the happiest baby ever.

The biggest change of the year was Corrie's move back to MPI and selling his tow truck. After 6 years of being self-employed, he took a term position as a driver examiner "just for a couple months" and is now permanently employed as a tow truck operator for the salvage compound on Plessis. He gets to drive a brand-new tow truck and get paid for it!

The biggest project of the year was our attempt to sell our house and move to Neepawa. A move to a country setting has been on our hearts for a while, and shortly after Zoe's birth we thought it was a good time to try. We finally decluttered and organized the basement, and completed the projects around the house that we had been putting off. After a month in a hot market with only one unsatisfactory offer, plus a number of other roadblocks that came up, we realized that God was telling us it wasn't time yet. So, we settled back in to making a life for ourselves right where we are.

We were able to spend more time with family this year too. There were a number of trips to Neepawa, with me being on mat leave, and one big road trip to Kelowna with our truck and camper. We took about 5 days to travel there, stayed there for about 7 days, and took 5 days to travel home, camping all the way there and back. It was wonderful! And a very good time to reconnect together as a family and with Corrie's family in BC.

We're looking forward to what 2011 will bring. I love the passage in Isaiah 61 that speaks of the good news of the coming Saviour:

"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me,
Because the LORD has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”
And they shall rebuild the old ruins,
They shall raise up the former desolations,
And they shall repair the ruined cities,
The desolations of many generations.

I always think of the part about where Jesus has come to proclaim "the acceptable year of the Lord" at the start of a new year. The acceptable year of the Lord was the jubilee year, a time of celebration and freedom. Jesus came so that every year is the "acceptable year of the Lord". Isn't that good news? Happy New Year!

Time To Take Down the Christmas Tree

2010-12-28T16:27:00.001-06:00

Zoe at 9 Months

2010-12-28T16:00:00.008-06:00

Zoe reached 9 months on Christmas Day. That's when she also really started crawling. So many things to get to under the tree!

Zoe is a very good-natured little girl, and draws comment from everyone we meet on how happy she is. So far I have been very lucky because she has been quite content to sit and explore her toys. Now with her new-found mobility she has become much more determined to explore her world instead. She has started to four-point crawl, and is working on pulling herself up. I love how it's in her nature to learn methodically, trying and trying again until she gets it. That virtue will take her far.

Her favorite place to explore is my open dishwasher, and it keeps her occupied while I'm in the kitchen. (she must get that from her father...) She is also quite passionate about her nasal aspirator and will cry her eyes out if she gets a hold of it and you try to take it away from her. Bathtime has become like an act from Sea World! Splashing, crawling, shrieking, and twisting around - even with Sabrina's help it's quite the event!

We finally dropped Zoe's crib today. She is not a restless sleeper at all and will always be in the same place you lay her down. And it hasn't occurred to her yet that she could get to a sitting position from her back, so we hadn't felt a sense of urgency yet. But with how she's progressing over the last few days, we knew it was time. What a big girl!

Healed

2010-12-20T21:28:00.003-06:00

I like to look back at my posts from the same time in previous years, just to see where I was at back then compared to where I'm at now. When I looked back at December 2008, to December 2009, and thought about where I'm at now in December 2010, I rejoiced.

The first Christmas without our babies was hard, and that's to be expected. Everything was still raw and we were still so confused. Last year had its hard places, but I encountered a turning point in my grief journey. This year, those raw places have been healed.

I wrote last year about the season of Advent:

The Advent season is about preparing your heart for the coming Saviour. I used to think it was more about fixing what was wrong about myself so I would be presentable for His arrival. I realize now it's about recognizing what it is in my heart that needs to be fixed by Him.

and since then I stopped trying to fix my grief and allowed the Healer to do it. He showed me that He can't be anything but good and that He can be trusted with my precious babies. He has enabled me to be patient and wait for the day where we will be together again, in all our fullness.

I love this time of year. I love coming again to the end of another year, often weary and usually burnt out, and remember that I have a Saviour, one who came to bear my burdens.

a thrill of hope, a weary world rejoices...
for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Zoe at 8 Months

2010-11-30T12:43:00.005-06:00

Our 8-month-old Zoe is a busy little girl that is content whether she is playing with her toys, exploring the house, or having a snuggle. She is very busy sprouting teeth right now and has her two bottom ones and three of the top incisors. I think the fourth top incisor won't be long in its appearance.

I think Zoe and Nicholas have the same peaceful happy temperament, which is a blessing considering Sabrina is about 3 kids rolled into one, and Olivia was looking like she would follow in her big sister's footsteps. Zoe is mobile by scooting on her bottom and reaching and pulling for things. If you put her on her tummy she will push herself backwards. If you put her on her hands and knees, she rocks and rocks and looks like she is thinking about crawling. My prediction is she will start crawling just in time to pull down the Christmas tree. I think she is able to crawl and pull herself up but is taking her time because she enjoys wherever she's at.

Zoe was quite taken with the volume and sound of her own shrieking for a while but has now moved on to singing and saying "ma ma". I'm going to choose to believe that she's actually saying the word. Just like when she was smiling at only two weeks. Zoe also eats quite a few solids and is an enthusiastic eater, which is a lot of fun.

I can't say it enough - what a blessed time we are having with our baby Zoe! In conversation recently with Sabrina, even she said, so matter-of-fact, "Everyone loves Zoe!" She is so proud of her baby sister.

Remembering Nicholas

2010-11-27T08:00:00.000-06:00

It's hard to believe that it's been 3 years already since we spent a cold November afternoon saying goodbye to our son. It's been an amazing journey full of unspeakable sorrow and unexpected healing.

Nicholas, I love that we lit a candle for each day you were with us. Whenever I light a candle on a cold winter evening, I think of you and know that you are in a much better place than we can even imagine. But I still miss you like crazy. I would have liked to be a mother to you much longer than I had. And then I remind myself that I just need to be patient and wait for that day when we will all be together again.

This Journey

2010-11-24T16:29:00.005-06:00

This journey has not at all been what I've expected. I'm surprised at where I've ended up. And I look forward with eager anticipation to what is still to come.

I am well. I am happy! I can stand before you today and tell you that I am the happiest I have have ever been. And that is because of God's goodness.

I can't explain to you why my son was here for only a short time. I can't tell you why his twin sister had to leave just after he did. But I can tell you that God is good. And that He heals the brokenhearted. And that it's true that mourning does turn into dancing in its time.

And that it's OK.

I was hesitant to write this post. I was fearful of being judged for being a bad mother for flourishing after the deaths of her children. But where's the gift in that? Where's the hope in that? Truth is, I know that this story is not finished yet. It's like not reading the third part of the Lord of the Rings. If you end at Frodo and Sam's desolate journey into Mordor, you would think it was a horrible story. But we who have read to the end know that because of their desolate journey, there is great reward.

I have a Book that tells me the end of this journey. It is beautiful! And I get to see my little boy and little girl again. I believe it with all my heart.

Food for Thought

2010-11-11T15:14:00.002-06:00

I came across this excerpt from Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb on a new blog I've discovered and I think it's very timely, considering that November is such a time of remembrance.

We Christians are an impatient lot. We insist on gathering grain before it grows. We want to see flowers before spring and fruit before fall. When a brother or sister is going through a tough time, we insist that the Spirit’s work be obvious. Unless they speak of their trials from a spiritual perspective, we tend to apply pressure more than we dispense grace. We rarely believe that life is hidden in the barren tree. Let a friend express his exasperation with a four-letter word, and immediately we’re more concerned with his language than with his agony.

No farmer goes to the orchard in winter to pick apples. Christians do it all the time. And when the fruit isn’t there, we walk off in disgust. The good farmer patiently waits with his basket, knowing he will soon fill it with delicious fruit. …

Two unwritten rules eventually surface in our response to one who hurts. First, mourning has a time limit. … At some point, we insist on victory. Second, we think there’s a proper way to mourn. Ugly battles should remain out of sight. … Church is too often a place of pretense and therefore a place without hope. When brokenness is disdained, where the real story is never told, the power of God is not felt. Where brokenness is invited and received with grace, the gospel comes alive with hope.

A Time for Everything

2010-11-05T16:30:00.000-05:00

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven
Ecclesiastes 3:1

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Ecclesiates 3:11

I am so aware lately of the passing of time. Sabrina has just turned 8 and Zoe is 7 months old! The twins would have been 3 by now. On a quiet, rainy morning recently, playing with who may be the happiest baby ever, I asked my husband if we could have another one. He promptly said "NO" and then what I thought was quite wise, "It's time now for us to move on as a family." I asked him what that meant, and he replied that it was time for us to go out and travel and do things together. Without being tied to an infant's demanding schedule.

I'm like Peter, when on the mountaintop with Jesus and Moses and Elijah, wanted to set up camp and stay like that as long as he could. Please let my babies stay babies, and my kids stay kids, and my skin stay young and firm. (ha!) Haven't we all wanted to build tents and camp out in those places we want to last forever? I'm starting to realize that we live in a constant state of grieving what was and being thrust into what's next, only some things are much harder to grieve than others. We as a culture have been sold the illusion that you can hold on to what you have as long as you want, but we all know that's unnatural.

Is this the acceptance stage of grieving? When you are so past the way things were that to stay there is unnatural? Where you can say, that's how it was, but this is how it is now, and it is good. And don't even ask me about what it is going to be like, because who knows? And when I have my moments where I sorrow for what was, I am grateful that I can now tenderly embrace it and then gently put it back where it belongs. In my heart.

Zoe at 7 Months

2010-10-25T22:22:00.001-05:00

Zoe has been hard at work practicing all day...

Have/Had

2010-10-01T16:38:00.005-05:00

I've written before about the difficulty I was still having in navigating the question "How many children do you have?" It comes up quite often, especially as my circle is being widened and more time has passed since Nicholas and Olivia were with us. Most people who have lost a loved one have lost parents, siblings, friends, or family members and are not usually asked about them in passing conversation. If you have lost a spouse you can be defined as a widow or widower. There is no description for a grieving parent.

In response to the question asked of me today, I responded that we have 4 children - Sabrina and Zoe who are with us, and twins that passed away a couple of years ago. His reply emphasized that we had twins and at the time I thought his use of "had" instead of "have" was insensitive. But I think I need to think about this some more. I really don't have twins anymore. Their beautiful spirits left this earth almost 3 years ago, and what I have are photos, keepsakes, and memories.

My heart does not want to leave out Nicholas and Olivia when I talk about my children. But I think I can finally find some resolution to this by changing a simple word. I have had 4 children - I have Sabrina and Zoe, and had Nicholas and Olivia. By God's grace, I've come to accept that, and acceptance is a peaceful place to be.

Zoe at 6 Months

2010-09-26T22:45:00.003-05:00

Here is Zoe, trying out a banana. She has been fascinated with watching us eat and has been enthusiastic about trying new foods. I'm excited about the things I've been reading about Baby-Led Weaning, where the approach is more about adding foods to an infant's breastmilk intake, than about replacing milk or transitioning from a liquid diet to a solid diet. She loves to explore a chunk of pear or banana, gnawing off some to taste, and squishing the rest between her fingers. And it's so much less pressure than our society's traditional approach, with spooning in cereals and purees and hoping they get enough to eat.

Zoe is also close to being able to sit up on her own! She now likes to play propped up with her nursing pillow and explore her world from this new perspective. Could her eyes get any bluer??

Zoe at 5 Months

2010-09-04T21:14:00.002-05:00

Need I say more?

August is SMA Awareness Month

2010-08-12T23:05:00.003-05:00

I hate SMA. That should go without saying, but I wanted to say it. When Nicholas was given a "preliminary" (!) diagnosis of SMA, Corrie was the one who researched it. I looked on a webpage or two, but didn't go very deep. I didn't want to know.

I still don't want to know.

I have not entered into the community of SMA. I have not raised funds for SMA research, I do not follow SMA blogs, and know just 2 families who have experienced the loss of a child to SMA, and only because they live in Winnipeg as well and were introduced to me through mutual friends. I recognize that this is out of avoidance, and that it has been a coping mechanism. I also recognize that it is not healthy.

I get angry when I think about SMA. Once, when we were watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition they profiled a family who had two children living with SMA. I got so angry and upset I couldn't watch. I can relate to families whose children have passed away, but am riddled with guilt when faced with families who care for their SMA children 24/7, incredulous that Type I cases can live past 2 years old. Wondering if we could have managed it. Exhausted by their limitless energy to not only provide nonstop intensive care for very frail children, but to raise funds for SMA research as well.

So, needless to say, thanks to my new friend Kristen, I discover 2 1/2 years after being introduced to SMA that SMA awareness not only has a month, but a ribbon too. Ivory, to represent the innocence and purity of this horrible disease's victims.

The problem is, I don't want to be aware. I don't even want to acknowledge that this stupid disease even exists. And I don't know what to do with that.

What I am grateful for are the many who labor tirelessly for SMA awareness, who raise funds for SMA research, who don't let us forget that it can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere, and that it must be stopped. For those precious people, and for my precious babies, I will wear the ribbon. I will be aware.

Zoe at 4 Months

2010-08-10T13:27:00.003-05:00

Here's Zoe playing with her toes. She can get them into her mouth too, if she wants to. If we ask "Where are your toes?" she holds them up and grabs them. I don't think infants are supposed to understand language, but I'm just sayin'...

She's settled into a good routine, and is awake a lot of the day, full of smiles and wanting to explore her world. She usually only complains if she needs a change of scenery or is getting hungry. What a delight our Zoe is! I am overwhelmed by God's goodness every day.

Balance, Compromise, and the Art of Letting Go

2010-07-29T11:24:00.000-05:00

I relate a lot to Peter. He was impulsive, headstrong, opinionated, and probably a little rough around the edges. He was also the rock upon which Christ chose to build His church. What I relate most to was his enthusiasm. What he was into, he was all in. When Jesus washed his feet, he asked Him to wash the rest of him too. When Jesus walked on water, Peter was the only one who would get out of the boat. He was too proud to realize that he needed Jesus' help and boasted that he would follow Him anywhere, only to deny Him a short time later.

Looking back, I can see that's been my approach to life. An insatiable thirst to know the truth. To do what's right. To change everything to make it right, usually under my own strength. To always have the answer to everything, and rebuke those who choose a different way. To follow hard after Jesus, no matter what the cost. I know God loves my heart, and He made me the way I am. I'm just continually learning to submit that back to Him for refining.

My lifestyle over the last few years has not lent to a lot of quiet time. "Be still, and know I am God" has had to be contained into manageable 1/2 hour chunks. Until now. God has blessed me with a content baby, and I have not changed much of my household routine except to not go to work. I have had a lot of quiet time on my hands. And reached some new perspective.

I have spent most of my time up until now agonizing over whether I am doing things right. Do I dress modestly enough? Am I providing good nutrition for my family, especially my children? Have we made a mistake setting up our lifestyle so I have to work? Why can we not get the hang of good money management? Should I still be holding Zoe for naps or start "sleep training"? Can I eliminate the chemical use in my home? Can I reduce our garbage output? What about choosing fair trade options when I shop?

And this is just the tip of my iceberg, my friends.

As I've mentioned in a couple of previous posts on breastfeeding, I think He made our breastfeeding relationship the way it is to slow me down. To put me on the couch in a "time out" for a season. And I'm starting to see the fruit of it. I can't explain how, but I started to realize that there are a lot of things that don't matter. I mean, they matter, but they can't ALL matter to me. I had the revelation that I am exactly in the time I am supposed to be, the culture God wanted me to be immersed in, and instead of fighting it, I need to learn how to live a God-honoring lifestyle in the midst of it that would be a breath of fresh air instead of a cloud of oppression.

I am learning the art of letting go. I am seeking balance, and in the quest for it, I am learning appropriate compromise. For example, I would love to have completely homemade snacks in my daughter's lunch, but I just can't manage it and keep a healthy balance. So everything in her lunch is pretty much bought, but carefully chosen. (and some just for fun) I don't love it, but I can't kill myself trying to make it perfect. I discovered the other day that if I go with the flow with Zoe and don't try to force things I think she "should" be doing, they evolve under gentle guidance. Case in point, she is napping peacefully in her crib right now. By God's grace, and not by my effort. Even regarding my appearance. In my concern for modesty and confusion over whether it's right to enhance what God has given us, I have been reminded that God loves beautiful things. I could rest in the reassurance that is good and right to seek beauty, as long as you are not using it to define your worth.

In my journey, grieving has been a process of self-discovery. A refining fire. I have learned so much about how I think about myself, God, and others through what has surfaced since we discovered we were having twins 3 years ago. God is moving my security from the prison of self-righteousness and perfectionism to the solid Rock of His truth. And I have Nicholas & Olivia to thank for that.

Not So Angry Anymore

2010-07-20T17:12:00.003-05:00

After I wrote my previous post, I glanced out the window and was comforted by this:

This engraved stone was a gift from our friends on the twins' 1st birthday. I think it's time that I started the memorial garden that I've been thinking about since then. That way, I can plant something new each year on their birthday.

Angry

2010-07-20T15:35:00.005-05:00

I think I'm angry. But I'm not sure at whom and for what. I know some of it is directed at myself.

My perennial deficiency at organization and event planning makes me angry. I was left trying to figure out at the last minute how to honor my babies on their 3rd birthday. I ended up doing nothing because I was overwhelmed and frustrated. As their mother that tears me up with guilt.

The loneliness of all this still makes me angry. How does one know how to walk this out when no one you know has gone through it? What if the ones who have gone through it are at different stages of their grief and you still can't relate?

Having to explain my story makes me angry. I know this one's irrational. But it's still awkward. And that's my own hangup and God will work with me on it when He thinks I'm ready.

Seeing other people get to raise their twins makes me angry. This one's even more irrational. And selfish. I lift this ugly one up to God whenever it surfaces. But let's face it, I've always liked being the center of attention, and I really liked being a mom of twins. Yes, I'm still a mom of twins, but now who's going to know?

Not being able to see Corrie and his boy together makes me angry. They would have been so cute... I'll bet Nicholas would have gotten some kind of cool battery-powered Jeep or something like that this birthday. Not to mention the loads of Tonka trucks and dinky cars that are noticeably absent at our house. Corrie is a wonderful father of girls, but Nicholas' absence is a hole that will never be filled.

I could go on and on but it only makes me feel worse. Sometimes I get tired at the amount of things I need to accept, to let go, to lift up to God for healing. But He never does, and for that I am grateful. The anger is a reminder that I am bearing a burden again that I was never meant to carry on my own. His grace really is sufficient and is an ever-present resource to draw on when I'm in over my head. And as a grieving mother, I will always be in over my head.

We Remember You

2010-07-18T07:50:00.003-05:00

The twins' 3rd birthday kind of snuck up on me. As I was running around trying to complete too many errands yesterday I got blindsided by a hidden pocket of frustration that I didn't think was still there. The utter futility of trying to celebrate in any kind of traditional way a birthday of children that were no longer here.

So I recognized it for what it was, got my stuff done, and spent some time pondering what I needed to do with this birthday. I waste so much time either trying to do things perfectly or the way they "should" be done. I waste so much time trying to avoid people's judgment of whether I've done things the right way or not. I was going to buy some balloons to release but it didn't hold any meaning for me any more. I would be doing it to tell people that's how I remembered my kids today, on their "would-be" 3rd birthday.

What also complicates things is that it's Corrie's birthday too. They now go hand-in-hand. But I realized this morning that this is in fact a gift to us. Because of Corrie's birthday, we already have the support of family and friends around us. We don't have to try to make a special effort to remember Nicholas & Olivia on a day all their own and because they share a birthday with their dad they will not be forgotten.

We will always remember that joyous day on July 18, 2007 when we were blessed to have Nicholas & Olivia join our family.

Twins-Who-Would-Be-3

2010-07-12T15:44:00.003-05:00

I'm now heading into territory with Zoe that I didn't really have with Nicholas & Olivia. The first three months with twins was so hectic that if you could get them fed, napped, and clean then you were doing well. Then Nicholas got sicker and sicker in his fourth month, and I spent that month in the hospital with him, missing out on what would have been my only opportunity to spend time with Olivia before she got sick.

Zoe is growing and developing daily. She is trying to roll over, wants to sit up, can raise herself up for long periods of time when on her tummy, and is starting to play with toys. She's so much fun! But my only point of reference now is Sabrina, and since her infancy was seven years ago already, I'm finding that I'm looking back at her photo albums to supplement my unreliable memory.

I'm sad that Nicholas & Olivia are being passed by already. They will be babies forever for us here on earth. I get the same feeling when someone asks me how many children I have. When I answer "four" they make such a fuss about how busy I must be that I feel it's dishonest if I don't clarify that my twins-who-would-be-3 are no longer with us. Then their focus turns toward Zoe because she's here and so cute. If I don't answer "four" then I feel guilty for leaving them out.

I know they can't be left behind because they have gone on ahead. Either way, they have still left a toddler-sized hole in our family that will never feel comfortable.

Musings on Breastfeeding

2010-06-30T21:20:00.000-05:00

I discovered today again that my thinking is really messed up. As we have approached and passed the 3-month mark, I've been venturing out more, only to be pulled home to feed Zoe. One of the big perks of breastfeeding for me was how it was supposed to be easy and convenient. It is to a point, but I am much more comfortable feeding Zoe at home. I think I've mentioned before that oversupply has been our issue, and I continue to struggle to manage the "abundance of my provision". It just does not lend to simply popping baby to breast mid-conversation, mid-meal, or mid-outing.

As I was mulling over what to do next to make breastfeeding more mobile, I was struck by the thought "Why?". I like the peaceful closeness of our times on the couch, sometimes in prayer, sometimes with book in hand, sometimes watching TV. And it's only going to be available to me for a short while longer. I think I've been putting myself on a timeline again. That I "should" be out and about now that it's been 3 months already. More concerned about what people might be thinking about me being at home than about what Zoe and I need right now. Messed up, right?

I think God arranges these situations to teach me a better way to live. Not having breastfeeding come easily or naturally has given me the simple gift of enjoying this time with my precious Zoe. How long will it take for Him to cleanse from me this disease of busyness, of accomplishment, of needing to "do" to feel worthy? It amazes me that I have to continue to give myself permission to enjoy this time of sweet togetherness with my family.

Zoe at 3 Months

2010-06-24T21:57:00.002-05:00

Zoe gets busier and busier! She loves to bounce and sing in her doorway jumper. I won't apologize for the length of this video because I could watch her all day.

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T20:30:00.004-05:00

Corrie spent his Father's Day cleaning out the branches in our back yard from cutting down a tree yesterday. Sabrina loves to be his helper. They're like two peas in a pod - you can't see it in the picture, but they're both in their shorts and rubber boots (to stomp down the branches). How cute!

Daddy being a "mobile" for Zoe. They're spending some quiet time together while I'm in the kitchen. I love to hear them having conversations - she always has lots to tell him.

Sabrina, Nicholas, Olivia, and Zoe are so blessed to have such a great dad.

Zoe Speaks!

2010-06-16T15:17:00.002-05:00

Zoe loves to talk to her bug friends in her mobile...

Zoe at 10 Weeks

2010-06-16T13:18:00.005-05:00

The pretty blue scarf has become a sort of "blankie". Zoe likes to hold fistfuls of it and wave it around and cuddle it to her face. Already a flair for the dramatic?

My Shoes

2010-05-31T23:18:00.002-05:00

I came across this poem on a blog I've been following about a brave little boy who passed away 10 months ago. Nicholas was in a room beside him in the PICU. This poem describes so well what it is like to walk through life as a grieving mother.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Zoe at Two Months

2010-05-31T22:55:00.004-05:00

Doesn't this picture tell it all?

Zoe is a happy, busy baby. She is growing at an excellent rate - about 1/2 lb per week. She weighs about 11 1/2 pounds now and is stretching out her 3 month clothing! She is so interactive in what's going on around her that I'm actually having to find things for her to do - something I wasn't expecting at only two months old. She is fascinated with her big sister and the two of them get along very well. I'm grateful for how good Sabrina is with Zoe and it's come in handy often. She holds her head up so well and shows such an interest in being upright that we tried her out in the exersaucer the other day. She was so excited at being able to plant her feet and push herself up!

I am so aware now of the difference between Zoe's development and Nicholas' & Olivia's development. There was a natural instinct to protect the twins, to swaddle them and bundle them up and hold them close. Zoe wants to explore her world and lets us know that she wants to be put down to kick and move.

Does having Zoe here so alive and strong make it hard to remember Nicholas & Olivia? Not at all. It feels more like they sent her to finish what they started.

Zoe at 8 weeks

2010-05-21T15:29:00.002-05:00

Hallelujah!

2010-05-19T11:42:00.003-05:00

We finally received the good news yesterday to confirm what we have believed, hoped for, and prayed for all these long months. Zoe does not have SMA.

God be praised! I smile every time I think of it.

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows) John 10:10 AMP

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T20:38:00.005-05:00

Aren't my kids the cutest??☺

The Dance

2010-05-08T10:52:00.009-05:00

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
Isaiah 49:15

I've been thinking a lot about this Scripture over the last few weeks as Zoe and I have been learning our breastfeeding dance. Lactation experts call it a dance because even though it should be the most natural thing that should come to a mother and child, it is actually a learned skill that needs to be practiced in the context of a relationship.

Once you get your rhythm established and your milk comes in, there's no way you can forget about your baby. You need her, as much as she needs you. There's no amount of pumping that can replace a nursing baby. When it's been too long between feedings, there's a sense of urgency that develops and I cannot rest until we're together again. I love that God uses this as a picture of the relationship He wants with us. He needs us as we need Him.

Compare to feeding with a bottle. It gets the baby fed, but it is not the ideal. The baby doesn't have to work nearly as hard, and does not reap all the benefits that could be received through a breastfeeding relationship. It's an alternative that can never fully satisfy. I wonder, is that how I'm relating to God? Am I looking for something easier that meets my basic needs but doesn't go any deeper than that? How could I not want to enter into deeper relationship with the one who needs me as much as I need Him?

Zoe at 6 Weeks

2010-05-06T13:32:00.006-05:00

Our little Zoe continues to grow in size and strength. She's getting lovely little fat rolls on her legs and a double, if not triple, chin. As a mother, I love that because my job is to fatten her up (at least for now) and keep her happy. She has transitioned from a happy, peaceful newborn to a happy, busy baby. She coos and talks and makes all kinds of sounds. And she gets very loud very quickly when she can't get to eat as quickly as she would like.

Here's the view I see of her most of the time:
She is in my arms right now, in fact, as I type with my left hand. She definitely has periods where she likes to be put down to kick and stretch, but I sure do enjoy how she snuggles in too.

This is the view of her that the rest of you would be likely to see at our house:Zoe likes to be up on your shoulder where she can lift her head up and look around. And, yes, you are seeing her smile here. She smiles all the time, and has been smiling since she was a couple of weeks old.

We're finding that our kids all resemble each other so much that both Corrie and I are mixing up names and reusing old nicknames. "Sabrina- Livvie- Zoe- Whoever you are..." I think she'll have those same deep blue eyes, but where Sabrina's are captivating, Nicholas' were deep pools, and Olivia's were so bright, Zoe's seem to dance. She's going to be full of life, just as God promised.

Ask

2010-04-21T13:25:00.001-05:00

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

"...You do not have, because you do not ask."
James 4:2

"And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"
Luke 18: 7-8 (Parable of the Persistent Widow)

I've been thinking a lot about my friend Misty's response to my last post: "You are allowed to hope and pray for a healthy baby." I've been lifting up to the Lord that I've been struggling with how to pray for Zoe. His response was a reminder in my heart of the verse "ask, and keep on asking".

I realized then that I've been trying to pray "perfect" prayers. Ones that are perfectly in line with God's will. They've been open-ended and wishy-washy, "Lord, let Your will be done" prayers without the asking for the daily bread, or acknowledging that He is Father. It's another form of that insidious self-protection that I've been working through since Nicholas & Olivia died.

Sabrina has no problem asking for what she wants and needs. Repeatedly. As an imperfect, human parent I get frustrated sometimes because I can't meet her needs and expectations. But God is our perfect parent. He can handle the repeated requests, and when it's time to lay them down, He will tell us.

I've been reluctant to pray for a healthy baby because I don't trust that I'll get my prayer answered. It didn't get answered before. Twice. Why, I don't know and choose to accept that I won't know until I see Him face to face. God is not human and His ways are not our ways. What's been burning in my heart lately is needing to go deeper in seeking an understanding of God's character and His love for me. I've been thinking so much about Job and his ability to say "I know that my Redeemer lives" even in the face of losing all his children, his fortunes, and his health. What kind of relationship did he have with the Lord before all that happened to make him so rock-solid in his understanding of his Father?

So I'll ask, and keep on asking. And I will seek, and keep on seeking. And knock until the door is opened.

Overanalyzing

2010-04-16T23:02:00.001-05:00

I knew before Zoe came that I would struggle with overanalyzing her. Looking for clues, hints right from the beginning that would show that she had SMA. I gloried in her vigorous movements, her strength, her ability to breastfeed right away. I loved her first yell, and how she kept yelling until she got what she wanted. I praised God for His mercy and kindness at such a precious gift.

I looked for tongue fasiculations while she slept. I kept testing her reflexes. Kept asking people if she looked and acted like a "normal" newborn. Tried to read their faces to see if there was something they weren't telling me. Then the 2nd week newborn sleepiness set in, and I was almost undone. Her belly breathing looked suspicious. She wasn't waking up for feeds. She wasn't crying anymore.

God met me in my paranoia through the Internet and led me to a number of websites that reminded me that all the things I was seeing were typical newborn behaviour and once she got past her sleepy stage I would be wishing it came back. And they were right. Zoe continues to grow in vigor, growing stronger not weaker. Because the onset of SMA can manifest later, "all of a sudden", we did request a genetic test for our peace of mind. But I am at peace regardless of the test.

To be honest, I am disappointed in myself. We are called to walk by faith, not by sight. I am at peace because I am seeing signs of the healthy baby that I believe God promised me when she was conceived. I should be at peace just because God led us to have another baby and no matter what happens He has promised to work all things out for our good. I am grateful that He is meeting me where I'm at and continuing to reveal Himself and His nature to me through this.

It is so hard to reconcile "healthy baby = gift from God" when my Nicholas & Olivia were gifts from God too.

Zoe's Third Week

2010-04-16T22:28:00.002-05:00

I love that Zoe is so much her own person but also reminds me so much of Nicholas, Olivia, and Sabrina.

This week I have been discovering the depth of my determination, and Zoe has been discovering her world. She is so strong! She holds herself up when I put her to my shoulder. She can lift her head and tries to crawl when on her tummy. She moves and kicks and squirms so much when put on her back that she needs help settling down when it's been enough for her. She nurses so well that she has already gained a pound from her birthweight, when average breastfed babies have just regained their birthweight.

No test results yet, but we are still believing that they will confirm what we already know. And knew in our hearts before she was even here.

Zoe's First Two Weeks

2010-04-08T11:36:00.003-05:00

Zoe is laying all snuggled in my arms, smiling at me as she drifts off to sleep. If you could describe her in one word, it would be "content". She sleeps well, feeds well, has lovely alert periods where she likes to look around and move and kick. She really only fusses when she's hungry, and if she had a choice between eating and sleeping, she'd rather sleep. We had to spend a few days waking her up every two hours to eat because you could see that she knew she was hungry but didn't want to wake up to eat. Now she's easy to wake up again and wakes up hungry!

She has already surpassed her birthweight and as of yesterday weighs 7lb 4oz! Breastfeeding has been going well for Zoe, but for me it has been quite an adjustment. Her purple mouth in this week's pictures will tell you that we've been using gentian violet to treat some trauma caused by her enthusiasm and my inexperience. It's been painful but is almost healed, and seriously, is so worth it! It is wonderful not to mix formula or mess around with bottles. This has been a huge answer to prayer, something I've longed for. I love that I can feed her whenever she wants and it's always ready and so good for her.

Yesterday during our midwife visit we put her down for some tummy time and she was lifting her head and trying to crawl across the blanket. I don't think she knows she's only 2 weeks old. My guess is she's trying to get big and strong so Sabrina can play with her. Sabrina's trying to be patient, and enjoys snuggling with her and playing with her when she's awake. She's also very helpful and would even change diapers for me if I would let her :o)

Zoe had a consult with Genetics on March 31. The doctor's clinical assessment was very encouraging and if we had not had the family history would have had no indication that a blood test was needed. We asked for the blood test for our own peace of mind, and for Zoe to learn about her carrier status when she's ready to have children of her own. We hope, pray, and expect the blood test to confirm what God is already showing us - that Zoe is a healthy, happy baby. We won't know the results for another 2-4 weeks.

Zoe's been to our chiropractor a few times and nurses better, lays on her back more comfortably, and can turn her head to both sides. She's even been grocery shopping, and came with me to get Sabrina some new shoes. Most of the time, we are content at home for now, resting and healing and getting the hang of this breastfeeding routine. I expect us to be going out and about more and more over the next few weeks.

I can't think of a better way to spend my 35th birthday other than to have Corrie and Sabrina home with me for the day too.

Zoe Grace

2010-03-27T17:46:00.005-05:00

Our long-awaited Zoe Grace was born on March 25, 2010 at 4:40 pm after a very short and intense labour. She burst into the world with a yell and captured our hearts, just as we knew she would. She weighed 6 lbs 12 oz and is 19.5 inches long. She continues to be a testimony to God's amazing grace.

The Short Threads

2010-03-22T19:10:00.002-05:00

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

A dear friend reminded me recently of how much fullness Nicholas & Olivia brought into our lives in such a short time. It was so nice to be reminded of that.

We don't know why God brings some of us through quickly and others not, but our days are measured by Him even before we are born. Each one of us is born with a unique purpose, even those who live only hours, days, or months. I find that comforting. In a world that feels out of control, there's Someone who is weaving a beautiful design, even out of a chaotic mess or the most desperate of circumstances. I've heard it compared to the underside of an elaborate tapestry. From the back, it's a complete mess. From the front, it's a masterpiece.

And the short threads are just as important as the long ones.

All is Well

2010-03-16T21:41:00.001-05:00

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Psalm 27:13

So, you know from reading my posts over the last few weeks that I had been struggling with anxiety. Have you been wondering how I'm doing now that Zoe's arrival is so close?

All is well. Really.

I shared with you that I had been battling thoughts about whether God would "continue to make an example of us" and that "He took my other babies, why wouldn't He take this one too?" Friends, if you have noticed anything about my blog, it's that I seek to know who God is because I have learned there is nothing else to believe in. So, I've been lifting my fears up to the Lord, asking Him if He's really like that.

He's not.

God met me just in time, through a recent coffee date with a dear friend. In conversation with her, I was able to hear out loud what these thoughts sounded like and something rose up in me immediately, saying, "that doesn't sound like God". Furthermore, she asked to hear the story of Zoe again, and in the retelling I remembered the exhilaration we felt when we made the decision in faith to try again and the joy overflowing in us when we knew we were having our Zoe, our promised little girl.

Anxiety around Zoe's health has not plagued me since. I can't explain it other than I remembered God's grace. I believe that she has a very special destiny on this earth, just as Sabrina does, and as Nicholas & Olivia did. Just because Nicholas & Olivia's lives were short does not mean that God was not merciful, or faithful, or loving. He cannot act out of His character. And that comforts me. I also cannot forget how He has carried us through saying goodbye to our dear babies and the healing of our broken hearts. A person cannot bear that much sorrow in their own strength and still emerge whole.

So, right now, all is well. I am at peace. SMA is one of many risks that I choose not to dwell on - not out of denial, but out of recognition that I am not in control here. Friends, I choose daily to rest in the sovereignty of God and His promise that He will work out all things for my good because I seek Him. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it, and covers it all with His amazing grace.

38 Weeks and Counting

2010-03-07T15:14:00.000-06:00

Here we are at 38 weeks...just for comparison, here's me at 38 weeks with the twins

(It's the same pink shirt - I just have a little more room in it this time.)

Do you think she's excited?

2010-03-07T14:51:00.003-06:00

A lot of people have been asking or commenting on how excited Sabrina is. She's already planning Zoe's birth-day party. But with Sabrina, there's always a reason to party.

Is This Your First?

2010-03-04T22:21:00.005-06:00

"Is this your first baby?"

"Well, no, it's actually my fourth..."

"Oh wow! You must be pretty busy! How old are your other children?"

"Umm, well, Sabrina is 7 and I had twins 2 years ago, but they passed away."

"Oh. I'm so sorry" {awkward pause}

Why doesn't this conversation get any easier? Why do I find it so hard to find a comfortable way to acknowledge all my children? I need to practice a script. Maybe it should go like this:

"Sabrina is 7 and my twins Nicholas & Olivia would be 2 1/2. They're in Heaven now."

I'm open to suggestions.

Declarations

2010-02-17T11:11:00.002-06:00

Thank you for allowing me to share my recent struggle with you. Ever since I brought it out into the open, I have been feeling vigorous strong movements from Zoe again and a real sense of peace and well-being. Thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer!

I feel the need to continue to fight back and make some strong declarations. I hope and trust that you will join me in speaking these things over my life and over the big things you're dealing with in your own lives.

God is good. I do not believe that He "took" my Nicholas and Olivia. We live in a fallen world that is subject to free choice by imperfect people inclined to sin. The Scripture refers over and over again to how that has even affected creation. We live in a world of natural disasters. Wars. Children who get sick and die. That doesn't change the truth about who God is. What it does do is push me to run to the only One Who can save us. Friends, there is no one or no thing out there that can save you other than Jesus Christ and His sacrifice to end the curse forever. Without the hope that He brings, there is only despair, because we certainly do not have it in ourselves to fix a darn thing on our own.

God is love. Perfect love casts out fear and leaves no room for it. If you do not know the perfect love of God, seek to really know it with all your heart and mind and strength. Once you have a revelation of how much God loves you, your perspective changes dramatically. Think about how a child will rail and fuss at a parent when the parent makes decisions from a higher perspective. All the parent wants is trust from the child that they know what they're doing and that they're making decisions out of love for the child. Until the child lays down what they want and looks to understand what is going on, the child continues to have an unfair perspective of the parent and what the parent is trying to do. God cannot do anything outside of His love, for He is love.

God is sovereign. God is still in control. But, for the time being the Enemy of our souls has been allowed free reign in this world because we let him. Every time we make a decision out of self, every time we succumb to temptation, every time we seek something of the world over the Kingdom, we let the Enemy win. And in God's infinite patience with us, He lets us continue to make the choices we make because He wants us to turn to Him in love and not as robots. Friends, do you know that you can lean on God's sovereignty by laying down your efforts and turning those mountains in your life over to God for Him to move? He is mighty to save!

I know the circumstances of my testimony don't line up with what you would expect from these declarations. Well, if God was so good and so loving and so sovereign, why did He let my children die? I have sought to know Him well enough to get to the point where I don't need that question answered yet. If He can't tell me now, then I don't want to know because I don't have the capacity for the answer. But I do know there is nothing else, no one else, who can satisfy and so I cling to the only One who saves.

Fighting

2010-02-13T21:21:00.000-06:00

I've realized recently that it was easier to believe that Zoe will be strong and healthy earlier on in the pregnancy, when vigorous movements were common and the due date was far off. Now that we're in the final month and she's getting bigger and running out of room, I've fought anxiety each time movements don't seem to be as strong. I've also fought thoughts like "God took your other two, what will stop Him from taking this one" and "Whatever lessons needed to be learned from Nicholas and Olivia, what if they still need to be learned from Zoe?" and "God can really make an example of you this time if Zoe is sick too".

The key word is fought. I will not receive those thoughts. I will stand and fight. I remind myself that I don't deserve a "bad" outcome, but I don't deserve a "good" outcome either. God's grace is not about deserving or earning. There's nothing I can do or say or fast or pray to earn God's favor. It is a free gift, mine to receive.

I can trust. I can seek a deep understanding of God's goodness and His unfathomable love for me. I can immerse myself in the power of His Word and remember He is an amazing God who loves to come into situations where the odds are against us and show Himself mighty to save. I know that just believing in something doesn't mean that it will happen. But I do know that my job is to believe, and rest in the truth that God is sovereign, and that He is love.

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (1 John 4:18, The Message)

Father God, please give me a deep revelation of your love so that there is no room in my life for fear.

mom_of_4 at home

2010-01-31T15:07:00.002-06:00

A while ago I wrote a post about my other blog. It was started, then lay dormant again for a while, occasionally posted to but waiting for me to engage into it fully. I think that's begun.

I won't say that my thoughts are turning more to home now that I'm going to be on maternity leave soon, but that I have more room for thoughts about home and balance and lifestyle. Also, with the recent "crossing of my Jordan" that I've experienced, I'm feeling more release to embrace this next chapter in my life, and along with that to focus on this other blog.

I also wanted to tell you that if you have already taken a peek now and then at "mom_of_4 at home", I have changed the domain name today to http://mom-of-4athome.blogspot.com if you can't find it any more. I had started it under the domain name of momof3athome.blogspot.com and once I discovered today I could change it I did so that it included Zoe too. ☺

I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now

2010-01-28T11:07:00.003-06:00

I've been rereading the book "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. I read it when I was expecting Sabrina and used many of the techniques in it with her. He discusses a theory of a potential 4th trimester outside the womb, where a number of babies need to be surrounded with a "womb-like" environment so they can finish their development by their fourth month and be ready to face the world. They should actually be considered more like fetuses and should not be expected to be able to cope with life outside the womb as well as we want them to.

The techniques work. When I had the presence of mind to finally use them with Sabrina (and modify my expectations) our world got a lot more peaceful. I used what I could remember with Olivia, but I was focused on surviving and hadn't even considered bringing the book out again for review.

As I reread it again, I remember how hard it was for little Livvie to adjust to life outside the womb. She was so tiny and so unhappy most of the time. I wanted to go out and do things, to enjoy them both, to be able to console and soothe her. I didn't have it in me physically or emotionally to give her everything she needed when she needed it. But as the magical 3-month mark passed, she filled out, became interested in her surroundings, and was a much happier little girl. Unfortunately, by then I only got to enjoy a short time of it until I went in to the hospital with Nicholas. By the time I could reconnect with her, she was already showing signs of SMA.

If I had known then what I know now, maybe I could have helped her enjoy her first three months too. The part that shreds my heart is that three months was half of her little life. Half her life spent fussing and crying and inconsolable. I did the best I knew how, and I am grateful for the patience that I did have, but as her mom I wish I had done better.

Lord, I thank You for the time I had with Livvie. I thank You for giving me what I needed to be her mom. Forgive me for not being open to Your leading, and in receiving that forgiveness, I trust You to cover this broken place with Your grace. I thank You that even though three months was a large part of her earthly life, it is an infinitely tiny part of her eternal life. Lord, You know how much I love her and wanted the best for her. And as You know my heart, she now knows my heart too.

Comment Moderation

2010-01-27T08:22:00.002-06:00

I just wanted to let you know that effective immediately I have turned on comment moderation, which means that if you comment on my blog, I will have to approve it first before you can see it on the post.

The only reason I am doing this is that it appears that my blog has become an unfortunate target for spam comments and I want to head off anything offensive before it even posts. I pray that this can be resolved by Blogger so that you can have more freedom in your comments again.

Thanks,
Lisa

Moving Forward is not the same as Moving On

2010-01-19T21:27:00.001-06:00

My mom and sister-in-law came out last weekend to help us move Sabrina into the twins' room and set up Sabrina's old room as Zoe's room. It was a blessed weekend - we treated Sabrina to a room makeover that's much more in line with her personality. Zoe's room looks wonderful and fills me with joy every time I walk by it. We also spent a couple days scrapbooking and I was able to give some honor and space to the last of the items I had saved to remember.

Now that we actually have moved rooms, I think that I need to clarify something here. Moving forward is not the same as moving on.

Moving on implies that you are leaving someone behind. Moving forward brings them with you.

The hardest part about my grief journey has been overcoming a need to do it right. Has it been at the right pace? Do I look right as a grieving mom? Have I remembered my children in the right way? What I've appreciated most is that usually people do not offer any input other than to affirm wherever I'm at for the moment. Usually. But it's the occasional comment - I'm sure meant well - that sends me back into a tailspin and I get defensive because I did not fit into their expectations of where I should have been by now. But God is so good. He reminds me that my journey is for me and Him alone, and I do not need to receive anything that is not from Him.

I loved having a room for Nicholas & Olivia. It was a tangible way to keep them part of our family, to give them space. It was a room that was visited by myself and others when they wanted to reconnect with our babies. I offer no apology for keeping it as their room for as long as I did. I had no motivation to "move on" from them.

I also love that Zoe is coming. And that God in His infinite patience, gently led me through a process of moving forward that makes room for our little one without leaving anyone behind. I was never worried about making room for Zoe. She is full of life and her arrival is highly anticipated. I was more worried about my three other children. Sabrina, my oldest. She went through everything with us and has emerged a loving girl with a beautiful spirit, despite all our parenting mistakes along the way. Nicholas & Olivia, my twins. I fight to make sure they are remembered because that's my job as their mom.

Friends, if you have not gone through the painful stuff because it is too hard, I fear for you. And if you think that I'm better off now because I've "moved on" from the painful stuff, I grieve for you. What you've missed out on is a precious opportunity to let God heal your broken places and make you whole.

Vote for a Cure

2010-01-15T19:25:00.002-06:00

Friends, there is an initiative happening on Facebook where you have the opportunity to help the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation raise $1 million to fund promising SMA research. A cure is closer than you think!

Please go to this link http://VoteForSMA.com and lend your support to this cause before January 22. The Chase Community Giving campaign will give $1 million to the top charities based on your votes. It's quick and easy and is a way to lend your support to those families touched by SMA.

Remembering Olivia

2010-01-12T07:19:00.004-06:00

Early in the morning 2 years ago today, we watched the winter sun come up through the big windows in Olivia's hospital room as she took her last breaths with us.

But that's not what we remember most. Bright blue eyes, little fat feet, how tiny she was when she was born. Her determination.

Our Olivia Hope, our little Livvie, without the hope that we clung to after you left us, we would have never survived. I know that you know how much we love you and remember you. You would never let us forget!

Making Room

2010-01-02T16:24:00.000-06:00

We live in a three-bedroom house. One bedroom for Sabrina, one bedroom for Corrie & I, and one bedroom for the twins. Their room is actually the best room in the whole house, south-facing, spacious and bright, tucked away in the back corner, a warm sunny yellow room. And still set up just the way it was when Nicholas & Olivia were here.

I never meant for it to be a memorial, or to remain untouched. It has been Sabrina's favorite room to play in, sometimes a temporary storage room, but always Nicholas & Olivia's room. I confess there was still even some of Olivia's laundry in the hamper that needed to be washed and put away.

Until Corrie's mom came for a visit, I hadn't really considered a change. We had a baby's room all ready. She asked me how we were going to get ready for Zoe and it didn't really hit me until then that in order to make room for Zoe we needed to move Nicholas & Olivia out of their room. That was the last place in the house that still represented to me that they were still a part of the family. I had always thought that I hadn't tackled cleaning out the twins' room because I didn't need to, and never really knew what to do with it. Now I know that I hadn't done it because I didn't want to move them out of their room.

God has been so good to me over this holiday season. As you can read in some of my November and December posts, I've had some ups and downs. Adjusting to this new reality was part of it. But once He reminded me that it was OK to move forward, that it wouldn't dishonor my babies, I've been able to approach making room with some anticipation. Sabrina is going to move into the sunny back bedroom. She has a connection with the twins and has always gravitated toward that room. I don't have to kick Nicholas & Olivia out, because they will always be part of Sabrina. Zoe will be welcomed into Sabrina's old room. We will paint and get it ready just for her, knowing that her older brother and sisters would be happy to share some of their things with her, as well as adding some new things that will be her own.

I spent a sunny, peaceful afternoon going through Nicholas & Olivia's things today and making a memory box for each of them. I marveled at how tiny Olivia's clothes were and remembered how cute Nicholas looked in his overalls. I went through cards and letters and was reminded of how much love and support we have received over the last couple of years. I made a space for their most precious keepsakes in our bedroom.

We are making room for where God wants to take us next, and are at peace with it.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T15:03:00.004-06:00

Welcome to our 2nd annual New Year's letter! It was a whirlwind Christmas season for us this year, with getting ready much later than usual and the cold weather keeping Corrie busy. But it was also rich with blessings and time with friends and family.

New Year's combines two things I love: starting new projects and coming up with ways of doing things better. This year our theme is "Trim the Fat". We have come out of our 2 year inertia and are looking around at what needs to change and what needs to be simplified. We want to be ready for whatever is coming up next for us.

We will trim the fat in our budget. We have been impulsive and passive for too long, and we want to be in a place where we can not only make decisions out of a place of freedom, but be ready to bless others out of the abundance that God has given us.

We will trim the fat in our diet. Corrie and I have seen the effects of neglecting our health this year in more ways than we like, and have committed to making some better decisions in this area. Again, being impulsive and passive have put us in a place where things need to change.

We will trim the fat in our "stuff". Both Corrie and I feel very strongly that we have too much stuff and will not only be simplifying what we keep, but committing to be very careful about how much more we bring in. We do not want to have more stuff than we have time and energy to maintain.

We will trim the fat in our time. We want to focus on the things that are important, like building relationships and keeping strong family ties. We will guard against those things that steal our time, and ensure that anything that we commit to is from the right motives.

Praise God! He has brought us through a dark place and has taught us many things along the way. I am very excited about 2010. I feel the need to prepare for a new season of blessing and coming up higher in what God wants for us. And we get to meet our little Zoe soon! Thank you all for your love and support as we have been learning how to live as the family that God has made us. We wish you all the best in this new year!

Now Therefore, Arise

2009-12-19T23:33:00.008-06:00

Moses My servant is dead. Now therefore, arise, go over this Jordan, you and all this people, to the land which I am giving to them—the children of Israel. Joshua 1:2

I love listening to Joyce Meyer teach the Word. She has a way of presenting truth with a refreshing directness and clarity that makes you take notice of the things you need to bring before the Lord to change in your life. Recently I have been making my way through a teaching series of hers based on the redemptive names of God.

In learning about Jehovah Nissi, "the Lord is my Banner", her teaching had led to sharing the message from the Lord that there are things in our lives we have been grieving and mourning over too long. And that in the Old Testament the Lord had even gone to the detail of determining how long mourning periods should be for us. He allowed the Israelites to grieve Moses for a month before appearing to Joshua and telling him essentially to move on.

My first reaction was to be offended. She has never lost a child - has 4 successful children in fact - and would have no idea what it is like to lose one. But her statement intrigued me and I resolved to research it out for myself, because I had always seen statements in the Bible where God comforts those who mourn.

What I have been learning is that the word for mourn in Hebrew really referred to a specific time period of mourning, where rituals and observances would be followed. You would be allowed to openly and publicly mourn for a time, and then when that period was done, would be expected to recognize that God is sovereign and seek Him for what was next in your life. In the Psalms, David expressed grief as well, but at the same time he implored his soul to seek the Lord to determine why he was so downcast.

The longer I meditated on these things, the better I felt. God doesn't expect me to mourn forever, the world does. And in being pulled back into it time and time again is exhausting, and denies the truth that God who is sovereign, is good. Trying to fight something that cannot be changed is fighting a losing battle.

Before you get offended yourselves or start writing me to tell me it's OK to grieve, let me reassure you that missing my children and feeling sadness over their loss is different than allowing a spirit of grief to take over my heart and mind. And maybe if our society actually had some mourning rituals and gave time and space and support to those who mourn, maybe they wouldn't need to hold on to the mourning for as long as they do. Regardless, my heart has been lightened by the thought that mourning could actually be set aside and that I could take the step into the next chapter of my life.

(Jordan River photo credit Ivan Makarov)

Life!

2009-12-14T20:57:00.004-06:00

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
John 10:10

Months ago, as I was seeking God in prayer for what was next for our family, my attention was directed toward this piece of Scripture. The word life jumped out at me and the first thing I thought about was how the Greek word for life was zoe. A glimmer of hope started to glow in my heart as I thought about the possibility of having another child, one who could bring us to life again.

We had been wrestling with an undefined restlessness, a need for change, a burning desire to break out of the comfort zone we had made of our lives and did not know what to do next. If we did not take a step forward in faith, then we were not going to do anything at all. And we could not live that way anymore.

And now, we await the arrival of our little girl. Our Zoe Grace. We do not know what her destiny is, but we do know that the decision to welcome her into our family, no matter what, has brought us life! and life abundant!

Advent

2009-12-09T22:46:00.000-06:00

I was finally able to admit today that I am still struggling. I'm finding the Christmas season overwhelming and I'm facing a lot of pressures at work. I'm longing for some quiet peaceful space to offer up my broken heart yet again to my Saviour.

"He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted..."

Out of curiosity I looked back to see what I wrote about this time last year. I was not surprised to see that I'm feeling the same way now that I did then. I'm learning that it may just come with the territory.

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices..."

The Advent season is about preparing your heart for the coming Saviour. I used to think it was more about fixing what was wrong about myself so I would be presentable for His arrival. I realize now it's about recognizing what it is in my heart that needs to be fixed by Him.

Each Day

2009-12-08T21:28:00.004-06:00

With another little one on the way, I've been looking forward to maternity leave and spending time at home being able to care for my family without having to divide my time and energy.

I think back to how hard it was for me to transition into motherhood. I was actually eager to go back to work and had a really good home daycare situation for Sabrina. By the time the twins came along, I had done a lot of growing and changing and truly enjoyed having two babies to care for. I knew I would have to go back to work, but with two infants, I anticipated an easier transition with a nanny situation. Going back to work after grieving for a few months was really hard because I loved being at home so much. I also felt like I was right back where I started.

And so I have struggled between fulfilling work, awesome coworkers, and wanting to make sure I give the best of my time and energy to my family. How will I leave this little one in daycare this time? I am not the person I was seven years ago when I faced the same situation.

As I was pondering on whether I would miss out on too much by going back to work, I heard a gentle reminder in my heart that each day with my children is precious, no matter how old they are. I enjoy Sabrina more and more as she grows up and as our relationship becomes deeper and richer. What God has reminded me is to make the best of each day because there is no phase of my children's lives that is more important than the other. At 3 months, 3 years, 33 years, and beyond, I hope and pray to have deep relationship with each one of them.

Remembering Nicholas

2009-11-27T08:00:00.001-06:00

It's been 2 years now since we spent a quiet afternoon with our little boy as he drew his final breaths. I am comforted by the fact that our circle is unbroken - that he remains in our hearts and we will be united again one day - but I miss him deeply.

He is the little boy of my heart. The one who looks like his dad, the man of my heart. Nicholas, my victory, my son, our family just isn't complete without you.

Comforted by Isaiah 61

2009-11-26T17:12:00.003-06:00

“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me,
Because the LORD has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

I wasn't sure what to expect with this upcoming 2nd year anniversary. To my surprise, it was an emotional roller coaster, alternating between exhaustion and depression and bursts of goodness. I was surprised because I thought it had been 2 years already...hadn't I already worked through this stuff?

OK, if I heard another grieving mother say it I would think she was nuts. But I'm a recovering perfectionist with unrealistic expectations that are gradually being brought into my new reality. So, instead of falling back on my old tendencies to fight the grieving, I treated myself gently this week. I told people I was struggling. I took time off work. I didn't make an effort if I didn't have the energy.

Isaiah 61 reminds us that Christ came to comfort those who mourn. It was actually the only thing that was repeated many times throughout the passage. That God would make a special effort to send Someone specifically to comfort me in my loss and to give me beauty for my ashes, a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, and the oil of joy for my mourning tells me that it is not something to be "gotten over" or "moved on" from, but something that is treated with honor, gentleness, and infinite love.

A Living Death

2009-10-25T13:52:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had your perspective opened up to the point where you could see that the circumstances of your life were spun and crafted around bringing you to the place where you are right now?

I was drifting before Nicholas & Olivia entered my life. I worked, spent time with family and friends, cared for my home. No real goals, no big dreams, nothing bigger than myself other than the occasional life situation that was hard to handle. We decided to get pregnant again around Sabrina's 4th birthday, realizing that she needed a sibling and none of us were getting any younger. There was no burning desire to have lots of children. That would have disrupted my inertia.

With the news of twins on the way, my life got turned upside down. This was something way bigger than I could handle. Here I first learned about reaching out to others for help. I never needed to before. I was more than capable to accomplish what I needed to, or I just didn't do it.

With the news of terminal illness threatening to take my children, my upside-down life imploded. The only thing I could do was ride on God's grace and the support of others. Grieving brought out things in me I never knew were there. Things that have held me down and held me back for a long time. I faced insecurity, fear of rejection, perfectionism, and the realization that while I knew of Christ and leaned on Him, I never really knew His love.

God has been working in my life in amazing ways over the last few years, and He has opened my perspective to as much as I can handle to see how He has brought me to this point. I had a revelation on Friday morning that I can hardly explain, that reminded me that because I opened my heart up to love my children, they will always be with me in a way that will never be unbroken. And where love is, God is, because God is love. Opening my heart up to risk loving others, even if the cost is pain and brokenness, has brought me to such a place of incredible hope.

At 34 years of age, I realized I have not a single big goal, dream, or vision for my life. I don't know if I've been too afraid to try for fear of failing, but I do know now that self-protecting is a living death. God's Word reminds us that "without a vision, the people perish." Living a half-life, fearful of getting hurt, gets you exactly what you expect. Less than a full life.

And Jesus came so we would have Life! and Life Abundant! Is your life an abundant life? Or are you worshiping at the feet of Safety, weary from protecting yourself from getting hurt? Wondering if this is all there is? If there is one thing I have learned it's that if you're going to get hurt, preparing yourself ahead of time for it never makes it any easier to bear. And you're only robbing yourself of all the life you could experience in the meantime.

I have decided that I will not prepare myself for the worst, because I have realized that I don't really know what the worst is. It is also not within my ability to protect myself. That's what I have a Protector for. He has enabled me to love all my children with all my heart and trust Him that His Word is true. I am ready to step out and live Life! the way He meant it to be.

Thanksgiving

2009-10-12T18:57:00.003-05:00

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

I Thessalonians 5:18

I've thought a lot about this verse over the last couple of years. Sometimes with incredulity ("how can I give thanks for this?"), sometimes in obedience ("I will give thanks because I choose to"), sometimes with submission ("because You are good and I believe in Your word, I will give thanks"), and sometimes with heartfelt gratitude.

Look at the wording of the verse. Giving thanks is not an option. It is the very will of God for those who claim to follow Christ. Because it is God's will, I believe that thanksgiving is therefore something that is beneficial for us.

Sometimes during worship, a song comes up that was part of one of the twins' memorial services. I love hearing those songs now because while we were walking through our "valley of the shadow of death" something rose up in me that defiantly chose to worship the Lord and give thanks even while everything looked its worst. I love to remember how God led me to fight back the despair and darkness with thanksgiving and how much power there was in choosing to praise instead of curse. Even the remembering is powerful.

On Thanksgiving we look around at what we have and are grateful. We remember to give thanks for our many blessings, share abundant meals together, and enjoy family traditions. How many of us have looked at the dark things in our life today and asked God for the strength to thank Him in those things too?

Set Free

2009-10-10T10:05:00.003-05:00

God spoke to me through a good friend the other day. I had been agonizing over what to do with the upcoming 2nd annversary of Nicholas' death. We spent last year's 1st anniversary quietly together, also not knowing what to do then.

What complicated it this year is that we are also planning a family trip with other family friends scheduled to start that day and into the weekend. Would we be disrespectful or irreverent or selfish by having fun together on a day that represents something so hard?

As I was trying to sort through my uncertainty about it all, she broke through with straightforward honesty and set me free. If you wanted to celebrate a person, wouldn't you choose something like their birthday? Why would you want to focus on the day they died? There's a difference to giving space to the energy that comes with the hard things that we went through when we had to say goodbye, and to trying to do right by making a monument out of the day.

I realized I was trying to do the "right thing" and by putting myself under that pressure was not giving myself the freedom to process the feelings around that day in whatever way was best. It is not wrong or selfish to spend time as a family together. Celebrating our family in the face of remembering our hard times is what makes us stronger.

Shrapnel

2009-10-09T19:14:00.001-05:00

Since I wrote my last post, I've been thinking about shrapnel. About the process by which the human body heals itself from penetrating trauma by slowly and surely bringing the shrapnel to the surface so it can be released.

Instead of jagged pieces of metal and glass, I'm carrying around pieces of a different kind. A broken heart. Shattered dreams. Crushed expectations. And while I live and breathe and work and play and function, it still takes me by surprise when some of these jagged pieces work their way to the surface. I should know better by now.

I remind myself that this is part of the healing process and my wound was not a clean wound. It is one that will take time to heal.

If you're familar with the movie Ironman, you'll remember he had to have a magnetic device implanted in his heart in order to repel the shrapnel in his body that threatened to pierce his heart and kill him. I'm thankful that I don't have to depend on anything that is within my ability to create to protect my heart. My Healer is orchestrating my healing process and knows exactly what I need to ensure the jagged pieces of my wound work their way out instead of in.

Colored With Grief

2009-10-05T21:17:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I get so annoyed with grieving. I told a friend today that if anyone else who had been in my situation expected to not experience lifelong effects of grief I would think they were crazy.

What I'm more annoyed with is everything now is colored with it. I've been very emotional lately and if I hadn't been through losing the twins I would have chalked it up to pregnancy hormones and laughed it off. But there's always the question of whether it is something more. Am I headed for another griefburst? Is there something that I'm not in touch with that needs to be released?

For me, grieving is not a continual ache or agony. It is a wistful longing, interspersed with storms of emotional release. It is long periods of peace punctuated with confusion and anger. It's the dark clouds appearing on the horizon just when I'm starting to think it's been quite a while since I've seen them. It's understandable that this pregnancy is going to be emotional. I just wish it didn't need to be colored with grief too.

How Do You Decide?

2009-09-14T21:20:00.001-05:00

When we were fresh from losing Nicholas & Olivia, we had genetic counselling. We wanted to know if there was any way to conceive a child free of SMA. A complicated, expensive option told to us at the time was the possibility of creating fertilized embryos, and pre-testing them to determine which ones were "healthy" and which ones were "sick".

The question I couldn't answer was, what do we do with the "sick" ones? Each of them would be the beginning of a child that we created. Destroy them? Leave them in storage indefinitely? We could not go ahead with a procedure that created such a dilemma. [For those readers who have contemplated or gone through with this procedure, please read no judgment into our thought process. This is our personal journey and each couple in this situation faces their own unique way of making this decision.]

Time passed and the decision to try again lay dormant, resurrected from time to time by each of us in turn (usually when the other wasn't ready). What finally started to turn things for me was taking part in the Children's Hospital radiothon earlier this year. None of those parents would have chosen the path that they had been put on, but once on those paths, they would not have traded the experiences they had with their exceptional children for anything. I began to wonder what "healthy" and "sick" really meant, and whether we as a society have the right perspective in seeking perfection when it comes to our children.

I came to the realization that just as we could not make the choice between our "healthy" embryos and our "sick" embryos (they were all our children to us), we could no longer hold back a choice between conceiving a "healthy" child and a "sick" child. We had to lay down our fear and put aside the condition that we would only try again if we knew the outcome would be what we wanted. If we were able to predict the outcome that we wanted each time, would we have chosen to conceive Nicholas and Olivia? It's a scary thought.

Do you ever wonder what you may have missed out on because you were too afraid to try? I don't want to live like that. Because of God's amazing grace, I know He will lead us with infinite wisdom and extravagant love. He has promised good things for our family.

It's OK to Ask

2009-09-12T20:57:00.003-05:00

Could it happen again?

Yes. It could.

Will you know ahead of time?

Probably not. We have decided that testing for SMA ahead of time is too risky to the pregnancy and will not change anything anyway. The decision to welcome another child into our family took the risk of SMA into consideration. We actually have a 75% chance of having a healthy child. We will test our baby at birth so that if SMA is an issue we can ensure the best quality of life that we can.

Wow, you're brave.

It is actually pretty exciting to toss caution aside and follow your heart. But I think that anyone who decides to welcome a child into their family is brave. You never know what can happen.

mom_of_4

2009-09-09T20:05:00.002-05:00

Well, if you haven't noticed by now, I've changed my username from mom_of_3 to mom_of_4. Yes, we are expecting another child to join our family, around the end of March.

We are very excited and hopeful and continue to believe that God has good things in store for our family. It is quite exhilarating to take this step of faith and open our hearts to get to know another beautiful new life!

A Beautiful Story

2009-09-03T20:03:00.003-05:00

This clip is about a family whose son was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 in utero, which meant that he would not live long after birth. It is a beautiful story to watch, but not for the faint of heart...

http://www.dallasnews.com/s/dws/photography/2009/thomas/

I still find it amazing that such hard things can be so beautiful.
I know. I lived it.

Petition to Cure SMA

2009-08-03T21:31:00.003-05:00

I was introduced to a petition to cure SMA on Georgia's Journey a while back. I didn't sign it right away. I don't know why.

I've avoided most things SMA. We've focused on other things, namely the Children's Hospital, and our own healing. I don't visit SMA sites very often, and am not a member of any SMA organization.

I think it overwhelms me. Those things that are too big for me to fix or wrap my head around, I tend to put aside. I was so totally blindsided by SMA and its unstoppable destruction that once Nicholas & Olivia passed away I wanted no more of it. There was nothing I could do about it anyway, right?

Well, that's exactly the defeatist attitude that never gets anything done about anything. So I'm grateful for the fight that Georgia's mom has put up against SMA and today I joined in. I signed the petition, and I would like to encourage you to do so as well:

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/182/petition-to-cure-SMA

A Thing Worse Than Death?

2009-07-23T22:09:00.002-05:00

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing,
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.

I've had a stumbling block in my faith journey lately. I've really wanted to embrace with my heart and not just my mind that God is a loving God who has a good plan for me.

But I keep coming back to "You allowed my children to die."

I believe the truth of the Bible. I have seen redemption and provision and lovingkindness in my life. I have seen God move powerfully in myself and the people around me. I do not doubt that God exists and that He is active and sovereign in our world. I believe He is a good God who does not change and works miracles even today.

But He let my children die.

So I've been struggling with how to reconcile these things. To me, they are mutually exclusive. I've been going round and round in circles on this and then lay it aside for a while, trusting there's a good answer somewhere.

And then during worship at church last night, we sang the wonderful old hymn "How Great Thou Art." When we got to the verse I quoted above, my question was answered. Not with the answer I wanted, but an answer nonetheless: I let my Son die too.

Yes, I've heard it before, and read it before, but it never sank in until last night. I was raised in Christianity and the idea of Jesus going to the cross to die has been a concept that I have really taken for granted up until now. After all, He was God, right? It somehow didn't seem to me that it would be that hard because He was divine, the Son of God. Then I read The Shack recently and the concept of Jesus being fully human and fully divine was blown wide open for me. He was fully human, just as we are and beloved by God because of the perfect, intimate, nature of their relationship.

And He let Him die, too. I can relate to that.

Maybe I need a new concept of what death means. As a human, just before His execution, Jesus agonized over the death He was going to face. Not because of the torturous way he was going to die, but because of the separation from His Father He would have to endure. Maybe there is a thing worse than death. Maybe it's living separate from God.

Something to Think About

2009-07-21T21:25:00.002-05:00

I discovered up this wonderful story at Georgia's Journey, a blog dedicated to a sweet little girl who is missed very much.

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

From Gramma Ella:

2009-07-20T21:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Nicholas & Olivia,

The joy I felt the first time I saw you and held you for the first time, cannot be put into words. Those months I spent taking care of you both were happy and hectic times. I will always treasure that time in my heart because I got to know two beautiful little lives in a way that most grandparents don't. You also changed my life forever. Nicholas, you will always be, 'my little Puddin' and Olivia, 'my little Peach'. I remember you every day. Even though this is a little late, I remembered you and wished you a "Happy Birthday" and blew you each a kiss. You are my little angels in heaven.

Love always, Gramma of 3

July 20, 2009 11:29 AM

2009-07-19T22:02:00.003-05:00

**update 07/22/09 - apparently this email address has started to be spammed so I am removing the option to post by email. Thanks so much to those who took the time to honor Nicholas and Olivia in this way**

I just wanted to let you know, if you were still interested, that I will leave the option open for a while to send a post to this blog by email to the address clschouten.nicholasgift@blogger.com

A big thank you for those who have posted and commented! It really means a lot to me.

(For those of you who are not sure what it means to send an email post, if you send an email to the above address, the email you send becomes a post on the blog, with the title of the email becoming the title of the post, and whatever you write in the body shows as the blog post. Your email address does not get displayed anywhere.)

From Gramma Lesley:

2009-07-19T15:21:00.000-05:00

2Years have passed and still the Joy of your arrival is so alive in my heart .. i could hardly wait to meet you , hold you, and kiss your little faces and hold your little hands. i remember going shopping and everywhere i went i thought "i have to get that for the babies" i remember thinking how it would look .. you running on the beach .. full of sand .laughing and playing in the water.. i remember thinking how i could read you stories and let you Jump on my bed .. how i could make funny faces and make up funny words and listen to you giggle .. i remember thinking how i could sneek in atnight and just sit by the beds and watch you sleep and sing to you ..Yes my heart is hurting and Yes i Miss you more than i have ever missed anything in my life, but im so THANKFUL that you came to us even for a shorttime . My precios ones you gave us so much , and left us with so much , that my Heart can only be filled with Joy today as i celebrate your birthday today.I know that you are beeing cellebrated in Heaven with the Love of Jesus today and i can only imagine what a party that is.So today i have a big smile on my face and a heart full of love ,and that is my gift to you . Love Always Gramma and your aunte Muggiexxxxooo♥♥♥♥♥
July 18, 2009 6:29 PM

Happy Birthday

2009-07-19T14:57:00.001-05:00

It amazes me to think about how much you have both impacted my life. Nicholas I never met you and Olivia we only met once. I remember your Mom and I had such great plans for visits and having an extra set of arms to hold a baby. That never really happened and I miss that... odd to think you can miss something that never actually happened.

I know that I have found a depth of faith and courage that I never had before. I have learned I can do things and face things I never thought I could. I know it is not my strength that moved me but God strength moving so many people around your parents to make sure they were supported while they cared for you here and when you went to heaven.

I think about you often and sometimes I don't understand what God's plan was. Even all of the good I saw doesn't seem to make up for what you, your parents, and your sister went through. Yet nothing makes sense if I don't believe that God works in everything for the good. And I take comfort in the fact that from where you both are right now, all those questions must seem irrelevant.

Misty

Dear Nicholas and Olivia,

2009-07-18T16:02:00.002-05:00

Your 2nd birthday has been a good day. I love to think about what life would have been like if you were here. I see overalls and sundresses, little feet in sandals, blond and brown heads bent over toys. I see Sabrina holding each one of you by the hand as we go places together. I see round cheeks and bright blue eyes. I see sisters that are the spitting image of each other, and a little boy who looks just like his dad. I see bouncing on the trampoline, sharing popsicles on a hot day, and playing at the park.

I believe those dreams are not dead. I believe that God has started a good work in our family and He will complete it, whatever it looks like.

I thank God for the 2 years (plus 39 weeks) that you have been in my life. Whether you're here physically or not, you have both given me so much! You have brought me joy. You have set me free. You have changed my heart forever.

Happy birthday little ones! I can only imagine what a birthday party in Heaven would look like.

Love and kisses,
Mom

From Aunty Tricia:

2009-07-18T01:17:00.004-05:00

I can't beleive that they would be 2 tomorrow, as happy as I am to remember that day and all the wonderful things we did with them in the short time we had to spend with them, this day also makes me sad. I as well as uncle Jeff like to think of all the fun things we could be doing with Sabrina, Nicholas and Olivia. The summer time when Sabrina spends time in Neepawa how crazy fun that would be with 2 year old twins chasing around Jake and keeping Uncle Jeff from sitting down.
Not a day goes by without thinking about them, how much we miss and love them. They changed all of our lives and made us all better people in there short life. We miss them so much and I hope by making our monthly donation to the Childrens Hospital and our annual family christmas and birthday gifts that also go the the childrens hospital we keep there memory alive.
We will celebrate in our heart all day tomorrow. We Love and Miss you both so much Baby Nicholas and Little Livvie.

Birthday Wishes

2009-07-17T20:44:00.001-05:00

I think of you and the twins often and am sending warm wishes to you on thier birthday. I'm sure they are going to have a little party in the clouds, perhaps that is why the sun is finally going to shine again!

Sherri

Hi.

2009-07-17T19:47:00.001-05:00

Lisa,

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I wish there was some way I could help ease your pain. Just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you. You are the strongest person I have ever met.

Cara

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Birthday Greetings

2009-07-17T19:03:00.005-05:00

Ok. In my discomfort with grieving and the grieving process and what to do to celebrate a birthday of twins who are no longer with us, I didn't really leave room for friends and family to do anything to remember Nicholas & Olivia's birthday either.

So, I am opening up my blog to allow posts from emails, meaning that if you email a note or picture to clschouten.nicholasgift@blogger.com it will be posted here. I would like to encourage anyone who would like to remember Nicholas & Olivia on their 2nd birthday or who have any kind of message for them or our family to email a post anytime now until Sunday night.

Because I know very few people who have been in the same situation, I let the loneliness take over sometimes and forget that Nicholas & Olivia are remembered by many. But each time I look at the memorial stone that was given to us on their 1st birthday, I am comforted by the reminder that we are not alone:

A New Blog?

2009-07-16T23:07:00.001-05:00

I think I've launched a new blog. It's been forming for a while, created a few months ago but not worked on much, and today, I think it's finally ready to go. Or, I'm finally ready to get going on it.

It's not meant to replace this blog. Nicholas' Gift, Olivia's Hope has its own unique place and purpose in my life, and I've tried to say that it is done, but it just isn't done yet. (Misty, that one's for you...)

What I've needed is a place to sort out all the new things I've been learning about around homemaking, cooking, parenting, and living a healthy lifestyle. I believe that these changes in me and the way I want to life my life are a direct result of the journey I have gone through with Nicholas & Olivia and I need to share them in the same way I needed to share my grief journey.

I'll leave the exploring up to you. For those of you who know me, you won't be surprised. For those of you who don't know me, consider it a way to get to know me better. Enjoy! It's called mom_of_3 at home and the link is in my blog list below.

A Most Blessed Day

2009-07-16T22:33:00.000-05:00

My twins would have turned two this Saturday. It's already been about a year and a half since they passed away. I'm finding that the farther out on this grief journey I go, the more acceptance I live in for the way things are now.

This birthday is awkward for me. As their mother, I want to remember them on their special day, the day they share with their dad. I want to celebrate their entrance into the world.

But a birthday party just doesn't feel right this year. And I've decided that's OK. What we are doing, is buying them some birthday presents and bringing them to our friends at the Children's Hospital. This is a comforting ritual we started with their first birthday. And we're asking Sabrina what else we should do. As their big sister, I'm sure she'll come up with some good ideas.

So, for those of you who have been wondering, we are going to be celebrating a most blessed day. It may just not be in the way that you expect.

Healing

2009-07-08T23:16:00.000-05:00

A piece of my heart was healed yesterday. I know this to be true. I've been seeking God in prayer for a while, sometimes from a dark place, sometimes from a gray place, sometimes from a bright place. Maybe more shades of gray than anything, lately. I don't know what He's been working out in me, but I do know from experience that if I go along with it and try not to perfect it myself that I will emerge changed yet again.

This time, as I was doing something mundane like brushing my teeth, my mind was wandering to places of anxiety and uncertainty, doing the "what if's", and a small Voice broke through my thoughts. There was someone who could help me.

My mother-in-law. I could let her help me this time. And a piece of my heart was healed of an unexplainable anxiety I have carried for a long time. You see, Corrie's mom and I have always gotten along well, mostly because of her big heart. She and I are opposites in so many ways. She's generous, free-spirited, open, and FUN! She will drop everything to play with a child, will always be having someone in the neighborhood over for dinner or coffee, and would give the last of anything she had to help someone in need. She will usually know the life story of anyone she meets, because she cares to hear it.

I think on some level I have been uncomfortably aware of my own emotional poverty when I have been around her, and I have been afraid to learn from her or receive from her because it would have exposed all the things I'm not. Or all the things I wasn't before Nicholas and Olivia came along. When we had the twins, I asked my mom to help because she was my safe place. She knew me, really knew what I could be like, and still loved me. I wasn't in a place where I could have received help from Corrie's mom, and I didn't know why at the time, but I know now that it was linked to a place in my heart I didn't even recognize needed to be healed.

I'm grieved as I write this that I did not provide the opportunities to open up her grandkid's lives to her in the way I should have. And as my mind was wandering to a "what if we were ever to have twins again..." scenario (just because that's where my mind wandered), the Spirit touched that broken place in my heart and filled me with joy at the thought that if I needed anything she would be there for me. That I no longer was under the bondage of not being found worthy. She has never held that over me. I held it over myself.