10 years

It's been 5 years since I've been back here.  As time progresses, memories become less sharp, but the absence does not.  When you lose a child, or two, you continually run into what would have been their future.  What would they have looked like?  What would they be passionate about? 

This is Sabrina on her 10th birthday.  Already at 10 she looks so much like the mature young woman she is today.  I can only imagine what Nicholas and Olivia would have looked like.

In the last 5 years our family has changed significantly.  Just as it has continued to change the day Nicholas and Olivia were born.  A hot summer day in July, a surprise birthday present for their dad!

Nicholas, Olivia, I have been most blessed to be your mother.  Happy birthday beautiful ones...

A Cold Winter Morning

Again I shall behold thee, daughter true;

The hour will come when I shall behold thee fast

In God's name, loving thee all through and through.

Somewhere in His grand thought this waits for us.

Then I shall see a smile not like thy last -

For that great thing which came when all was past,

Was not a smile, but God's peace glorious.

 

- George Macdonald

Olivia, I missed the best and sweetest time with you, and it haunts me still.  I had to make the choice that no mother should make and I loved out of what I had.  The only thing that gives me hope is that one day we will have an eternity to get to know each other.  Sweet one, you went on before us on a cold winter morning but you are never far from our hearts.

Happy New Year!

It has become a tradition for me to write a New Year's letter, but this year it's hard to know where to start.  2012 has been a challenging year, with many positive moments as well as many opportunities to learn and grow. 

Our family went through a number of significant events this year.  Zoe turned 2, with all the joys that a toddler brings, and Sabrina turned 10.  The girls are our delight and as we all grow older we continue to grow closer.  Corrie's mom and little sister moved back to Manitoba from BC in April and stayed with us until they moved in to their own place down the street in November.  There were many rich moments of reconnecting as family, and a lot of learnings too. 

Professionally, I was privileged to take part in a leadership training program that took me to Minneapolis and New Orleans, all over a number of months.  It was an incredible learning experience and was very exciting to see a greater perspective of the excellent company that Cargill is.  It was also a great opportunity for Corrie to play "Mr. Mom" while I was away.


Personally, this year ended on a low note for me.  I don't know how to describe it other than "burn out" and couldn't begin to describe where it came from in a letter like this.  Let's just say that it's been a long time in coming.  The beautiful part about it has been that I found Jesus.  And He wasn't the Jesus I thought I had been following.  I have been astonished to find that I have missed the mark for a long time and now am on a search to know everything I can about who He really is.  If that doesn't make sense to you, I say "great! join me!"

 

I feel that as a family, we are at a critical place.  We have wanted to see change in many areas.  We are working through what has held us back and exploring what we can do differently.  While we both love our peaceful, cozy home and love to spend time recharging there, it's time for some adventure.

 

Bring it on, 2013!

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Still Heartbroken

On a day such as this where we remember that it is possible that a little boy who looks like his dad can go to heaven far too soon, we will also honor that a heart can still be broken.

For the past 5 years, I have been ignoring my broken heart, not listening to my broken heart, medicating my broken heart, running away from my broken heart, tending other people's broken hearts, focusing on other things than my broken heart, escaping from my broken heart, and being angry the whole time that it is still broken.

I started being angry last year at Sabrina's Christmas pageant when I realized that I would never see my twins-who-would-start-kindergarten-this-year in their first school pageant.  I love watching the kindergarten kids at the Christmas pageant.  I would have dressed Nicholas in stiff new jeans and probably tried to get away with a sweater vest and collared shirt.  His little blond head would have shone under the lights and I like to believe that he would have sung his little heart out for Baby Jesus.

I think I have been angry since then.  I'm really tired.  And still heartbroken. 

I think confronting my brokenness puts me in a good posture for awaiting my Saviour this Advent season.  Thank you, Nicholas, for continuing to grace my life with your sweet presence.  If 5 years can pass so quickly, then I am grateful that the day we will see each other again in spirit and body isn't as far away as it seems.

5 years

I feel like I've said everything that can be said about my Nicholas and Olivia - their birth, their life, their death, their purpose.  Today marks 5 years since I gave birth to twins on their father's birthday.  I've never said that yet.  Parents always marvel at the passage of time, but we still marvel at the widening gap between knowing them and living without them.

This picture is from Sabrina's 5th birthday.  I did not get a chance to celebrate this milestone with her either because I was with her brother in the hospital.  I am sad about that too.

We will celebrate this day and remember.  There will be balloons and cards and cake.  There will be laughter and memories and love.

happy father's day

 The best darn dad we ever had.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127: 4-5

Happy Mother's Day!

Me and my girls.

One of the few pictures of the three of us.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Psalm 127:3