Step by Step

Sometimes it feels like I'm walking a minefield. I'm in the age group that is having children and adding to their families. I'm surrounded by birth announcements, pregnancies, new babies, couples at church with children in tow. I cannot avoid the constant reminders of what I've lost.

I take a step forward and celebrate with dear friends. Next step. I relinquish the jealousy that rises up. Another step. I keep my sorrow to myself at the announcement of more baby news. I don't always want to be the reminder to those carrying new life of the worst that can happen. Step by step, my Lord walks with me, taking the hit of those landmines exploding all around.

And He enables me to find joy in the presence of new life, the hope that comes with increase, and peace in the promise of good things to come.

Remembering Hope

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.
Psalm 27: 14(AMP)

I've been going through and working with my photos and home movies lately, with the final goal being complete backups to put into the safety deposit box, and memory DVD's and photobooks created so that all that can be remembered of Nicholas & Olivia is not forgotten.

We're also heading into the time of year in which this journey began. As I posted previously, I don't feel the need to dwell there, in "this happened around this time last year", but as I go through pictures and movies I remember.

God is so good. What I remember this time is the hope. We were so full of hope! If you were to look back on the events of a year ago with bitterness, you would think our hope was foolish. But if you can look back on everything that happened through the lens of the Truth, you can see how God used hope to strengthen us, sustain us, hold us up, and pull us through.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28 (NKJV)

Thoughtful Gift

Two of my dearest friends gave me this locket on the day of Nicholas' funeral. Corrie, knowing my love of "sparkly things", gave me the necklace to go with it for Christmas.

It opens up to hold pictures of all 3 of my children, so I can keep them close to my heart. It is also such a symbol of how our friends identified with us in our loss.

Gavin Nicholas

I miss my little guy. Still smelling of heaven, eyes full of wisdom, resembling my son and carrying his name. I believe he had something to tell me.

I was delighted to discover that I have come full circle. From the chaos surrounding my first baby, to being overwhelmed with the joyful abundance of twins and lacking the capacity to fully take it all in, to coming face-to-face with his quiet peace.

We toured his house, whispered secrets and bits of wisdom to each other, and the Holy Spirit healed another piece of my broken heart.

Seasons

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

In my previous post, I wrote about experiencing a separation from what was then to what is now. A friend of mine commented that God had promised me a new day, and that I am walking in it. That so resonated with me because it describes this new place in which I seem to have found myself.

I am not in denial. I know very well that my twin babies died one after the other last winter. Neither am I in avoidance. I look at their pictures, think about them, engage in conversation about them, talk to them. I have visited the hospital wards where they took their last breath.

But that was then. Time has done its job of steadily moving me from season to season. I hope it's not too soon to say, but I believe that I have entered into a new season of accepting what has been and being comfortable with where I am now. I wish my twins were here. I think they would have been really delightful children. But their absence from my life has subsided from being something that I'm missing out on to something that just is.

Each season comes with new questions. "How can I do this?" changes from despair to practicality. Now we are asking ourselves, "What do we do with their room?" and "Are we going to try to conceive more children?" The choices we are considering now do not supersede or deny Nicholas & Olivia's existence at their specific point in time. They are simply in a new season.

Did it All Really Happen?

As Sabrina heads back to school, I'm reminded of where we were a year ago. A whole year ago!

I kept trying to write this post from the perspective of what we were doing last year this week, but it just wouldn't write. I think I'm in a place right now where I need to leave those memories there because I'm here now. Does that make sense?

This is a new place for me. I've been vaguely aware of a growing sense that I am gradually moving forward from what has been toward what will be, but don't know how that can happen without leaving my babies there. How do I live in this place and still be Nicholas & Olivia's mom? How do I keep them alive in memory and spirit where I'm at now because I cannot be there and here at the same time?