From Aunty Tricia:

I can't beleive that they would be 2 tomorrow, as happy as I am to remember that day and all the wonderful things we did with them in the short time we had to spend with them, this day also makes me sad. I as well as uncle Jeff like to think of all the fun things we could be doing with Sabrina, Nicholas and Olivia. The summer time when Sabrina spends time in Neepawa how crazy fun that would be with 2 year old twins chasing around Jake and keeping Uncle Jeff from sitting down.
Not a day goes by without thinking about them, how much we miss and love them. They changed all of our lives and made us all better people in there short life. We miss them so much and I hope by making our monthly donation to the Childrens Hospital and our annual family christmas and birthday gifts that also go the the childrens hospital we keep there memory alive.
We will celebrate in our heart all day tomorrow. We Love and Miss you both so much Baby Nicholas and Little Livvie.

Birthday Wishes

I think of you and the twins often and am sending warm wishes to you on thier birthday.  I'm sure they are going to have a little party in the clouds, perhaps that is why the sun is finally going to shine again!

 

Sherri

Hi.

Lisa,

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.  I wish there was some way I could help ease your pain.  Just want to let you know that I'm thinking of you.  You are the strongest person I have ever met. 

 

Cara

---

Create a cool, new character for your Windows Live™ Messenger. Check it out

Birthday Greetings

Ok. In my discomfort with grieving and the grieving process and what to do to celebrate a birthday of twins who are no longer with us, I didn't really leave room for friends and family to do anything to remember Nicholas & Olivia's birthday either.

So, I am opening up my blog to allow posts from emails, meaning that if you email a note or picture to clschouten.nicholasgift@blogger.com it will be posted here. I would like to encourage anyone who would like to remember Nicholas & Olivia on their 2nd birthday or who have any kind of message for them or our family to email a post anytime now until Sunday night.

Because I know very few people who have been in the same situation, I let the loneliness take over sometimes and forget that Nicholas & Olivia are remembered by many. But each time I look at the memorial stone that was given to us on their 1st birthday, I am comforted by the reminder that we are not alone:

A New Blog?

I think I've launched a new blog. It's been forming for a while, created a few months ago but not worked on much, and today, I think it's finally ready to go. Or, I'm finally ready to get going on it.

It's not meant to replace this blog. Nicholas' Gift, Olivia's Hope has its own unique place and purpose in my life, and I've tried to say that it is done, but it just isn't done yet. (Misty, that one's for you...)

What I've needed is a place to sort out all the new things I've been learning about around homemaking, cooking, parenting, and living a healthy lifestyle. I believe that these changes in me and the way I want to life my life are a direct result of the journey I have gone through with Nicholas & Olivia and I need to share them in the same way I needed to share my grief journey.

I'll leave the exploring up to you. For those of you who know me, you won't be surprised. For those of you who don't know me, consider it a way to get to know me better. Enjoy! It's called mom_of_3 at home and the link is in my blog list below.

A Most Blessed Day

My twins would have turned two this Saturday. It's already been about a year and a half since they passed away. I'm finding that the farther out on this grief journey I go, the more acceptance I live in for the way things are now.

This birthday is awkward for me. As their mother, I want to remember them on their special day, the day they share with their dad. I want to celebrate their entrance into the world.

But a birthday party just doesn't feel right this year. And I've decided that's OK. What we are doing, is buying them some birthday presents and bringing them to our friends at the Children's Hospital. This is a comforting ritual we started with their first birthday. And we're asking Sabrina what else we should do. As their big sister, I'm sure she'll come up with some good ideas.

So, for those of you who have been wondering, we are going to be celebrating a most blessed day. It may just not be in the way that you expect.

Healing

A piece of my heart was healed yesterday. I know this to be true. I've been seeking God in prayer for a while, sometimes from a dark place, sometimes from a gray place, sometimes from a bright place. Maybe more shades of gray than anything, lately. I don't know what He's been working out in me, but I do know from experience that if I go along with it and try not to perfect it myself that I will emerge changed yet again.

This time, as I was doing something mundane like brushing my teeth, my mind was wandering to places of anxiety and uncertainty, doing the "what if's", and a small Voice broke through my thoughts. There was someone who could help me.

My mother-in-law. I could let her help me this time. And a piece of my heart was healed of an unexplainable anxiety I have carried for a long time. You see, Corrie's mom and I have always gotten along well, mostly because of her big heart. She and I are opposites in so many ways. She's generous, free-spirited, open, and FUN! She will drop everything to play with a child, will always be having someone in the neighborhood over for dinner or coffee, and would give the last of anything she had to help someone in need. She will usually know the life story of anyone she meets, because she cares to hear it.

I think on some level I have been uncomfortably aware of my own emotional poverty when I have been around her, and I have been afraid to learn from her or receive from her because it would have exposed all the things I'm not. Or all the things I wasn't before Nicholas and Olivia came along. When we had the twins, I asked my mom to help because she was my safe place. She knew me, really knew what I could be like, and still loved me. I wasn't in a place where I could have received help from Corrie's mom, and I didn't know why at the time, but I know now that it was linked to a place in my heart I didn't even recognize needed to be healed.

I'm grieved as I write this that I did not provide the opportunities to open up her grandkid's lives to her in the way I should have. And as my mind was wandering to a "what if we were ever to have twins again..." scenario (just because that's where my mind wandered), the Spirit touched that broken place in my heart and filled me with joy at the thought that if I needed anything she would be there for me. That I no longer was under the bondage of not being found worthy. She has never held that over me. I held it over myself.