All is Well

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Psalm 27:13

So, you know from reading my posts over the last few weeks that I had been struggling with anxiety. Have you been wondering how I'm doing now that Zoe's arrival is so close?

All is well. Really.

I shared with you that I had been battling thoughts about whether God would "continue to make an example of us" and that "He took my other babies, why wouldn't He take this one too?" Friends, if you have noticed anything about my blog, it's that I seek to know who God is because I have learned there is nothing else to believe in. So, I've been lifting my fears up to the Lord, asking Him if He's really like that.

He's not.

God met me just in time, through a recent coffee date with a dear friend. In conversation with her, I was able to hear out loud what these thoughts sounded like and something rose up in me immediately, saying, "that doesn't sound like God". Furthermore, she asked to hear the story of Zoe again, and in the retelling I remembered the exhilaration we felt when we made the decision in faith to try again and the joy overflowing in us when we knew we were having our Zoe, our promised little girl.

Anxiety around Zoe's health has not plagued me since. I can't explain it other than I remembered God's grace. I believe that she has a very special destiny on this earth, just as Sabrina does, and as Nicholas & Olivia did. Just because Nicholas & Olivia's lives were short does not mean that God was not merciful, or faithful, or loving. He cannot act out of His character. And that comforts me. I also cannot forget how He has carried us through saying goodbye to our dear babies and the healing of our broken hearts. A person cannot bear that much sorrow in their own strength and still emerge whole.

So, right now, all is well. I am at peace. SMA is one of many risks that I choose not to dwell on - not out of denial, but out of recognition that I am not in control here. Friends, I choose daily to rest in the sovereignty of God and His promise that He will work out all things for my good because I seek Him. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it, and covers it all with His amazing grace.