Overanalyzing

I knew before Zoe came that I would struggle with overanalyzing her. Looking for clues, hints right from the beginning that would show that she had SMA. I gloried in her vigorous movements, her strength, her ability to breastfeed right away. I loved her first yell, and how she kept yelling until she got what she wanted. I praised God for His mercy and kindness at such a precious gift.

I looked for tongue fasiculations while she slept. I kept testing her reflexes. Kept asking people if she looked and acted like a "normal" newborn. Tried to read their faces to see if there was something they weren't telling me. Then the 2nd week newborn sleepiness set in, and I was almost undone. Her belly breathing looked suspicious. She wasn't waking up for feeds. She wasn't crying anymore.

God met me in my paranoia through the Internet and led me to a number of websites that reminded me that all the things I was seeing were typical newborn behaviour and once she got past her sleepy stage I would be wishing it came back. And they were right. Zoe continues to grow in vigor, growing stronger not weaker. Because the onset of SMA can manifest later, "all of a sudden", we did request a genetic test for our peace of mind. But I am at peace regardless of the test.

To be honest, I am disappointed in myself. We are called to walk by faith, not by sight. I am at peace because I am seeing signs of the healthy baby that I believe God promised me when she was conceived. I should be at peace just because God led us to have another baby and no matter what happens He has promised to work all things out for our good. I am grateful that He is meeting me where I'm at and continuing to reveal Himself and His nature to me through this.

It is so hard to reconcile "healthy baby = gift from God" when my Nicholas & Olivia were gifts from God too.