I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now

I've been rereading the book "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. I read it when I was expecting Sabrina and used many of the techniques in it with her. He discusses a theory of a potential 4th trimester outside the womb, where a number of babies need to be surrounded with a "womb-like" environment so they can finish their development by their fourth month and be ready to face the world. They should actually be considered more like fetuses and should not be expected to be able to cope with life outside the womb as well as we want them to.

The techniques work. When I had the presence of mind to finally use them with Sabrina (and modify my expectations) our world got a lot more peaceful. I used what I could remember with Olivia, but I was focused on surviving and hadn't even considered bringing the book out again for review.

As I reread it again, I remember how hard it was for little Livvie to adjust to life outside the womb. She was so tiny and so unhappy most of the time. I wanted to go out and do things, to enjoy them both, to be able to console and soothe her. I didn't have it in me physically or emotionally to give her everything she needed when she needed it. But as the magical 3-month mark passed, she filled out, became interested in her surroundings, and was a much happier little girl. Unfortunately, by then I only got to enjoy a short time of it until I went in to the hospital with Nicholas. By the time I could reconnect with her, she was already showing signs of SMA.

If I had known then what I know now, maybe I could have helped her enjoy her first three months too. The part that shreds my heart is that three months was half of her little life. Half her life spent fussing and crying and inconsolable. I did the best I knew how, and I am grateful for the patience that I did have, but as her mom I wish I had done better.

Lord, I thank You for the time I had with Livvie. I thank You for giving me what I needed to be her mom. Forgive me for not being open to Your leading, and in receiving that forgiveness, I trust You to cover this broken place with Your grace. I thank You that even though three months was a large part of her earthly life, it is an infinitely tiny part of her eternal life. Lord, You know how much I love her and wanted the best for her. And as You know my heart, she now knows my heart too.