“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me,
Because the LORD has anointed Me
To preach good tidings to the poor;
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”
I wasn't sure what to expect with this upcoming 2nd year anniversary. To my surprise, it was an emotional roller coaster, alternating between exhaustion and depression and bursts of goodness. I was surprised because I thought it had been 2 years already...hadn't I already worked through this stuff?
OK, if I heard another grieving mother say it I would think she was nuts. But I'm a recovering perfectionist with unrealistic expectations that are gradually being brought into my new reality. So, instead of falling back on my old tendencies to fight the grieving, I treated myself gently this week. I told people I was struggling. I took time off work. I didn't make an effort if I didn't have the energy.
Isaiah 61 reminds us that Christ came to comfort those who mourn. It was actually the only thing that was repeated many times throughout the passage. That God would make a special effort to send Someone specifically to comfort me in my loss and to give me beauty for my ashes, a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, and the oil of joy for my mourning tells me that it is not something to be "gotten over" or "moved on" from, but something that is treated with honor, gentleness, and infinite love.
It's been 2 years now since we spent a quiet afternoon with our little boy as he drew his final breaths. I am comforted by the fact that our circle is unbroken - that he remains in our hearts and we will be united again one day - but I miss him deeply.