Tuesday, February 12, 2013


I found Jesus recently.  I quite like Him.

In the depths of my recent wilderness wandering, I finally had to be real before the Lord and express that I was angry at Him and that I couldn't trust Him.  I was angry that I was so tired and so tired because I couldn't trust Him.

What brought me to my knees shortly afterward was the revelation that the God I couldn't trust wasn't God.  It was a god of my own making.  An composite of years of misconceptions and assumptions. 

An idol.

"You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth;  you shall not bow down to them nor serve them.Exodus 20:4

Simply, anything that you bow down to that is not God as revealed in His Word is a false god.  An idol.  A carved image of your own making.  It doesn't have to be carved out of wood and sitting on your mantel to be an idol.

One of my idols is the need to know.  Without the grace of God I will bow down to it before I will submit in faith to His way.  Another idol that demands to be bowed down to is that orphan spirit that says I need to take care of myself.  That idol tells me God's grace is not sufficient and I better look out for number one because no one else will.

Every one of God's commandments were written in love, because God is love.  He can't do anything outside of love, because that's what He is.  He didn't demand to be number one because He is on an eternal power trip.  We need Him to be number one for our salvation.  Because when any one thing becomes stronger than the love of God in our lives it can only lead to our destruction.

I am happier now.  Healing and regaining strength.  Through prayer and intercession, He is tearing down enemy strongholds and smashing false gods in my life.  Friends, seek to know Jesus while He can be found.  The real Jesus.  Not the one you think He is.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


I have been carrying the weight of false responsibility for a long time.  And it brought me to my knees in exhaustion and burnout.  I made myself responsible for your happiness.  For your emotional stability.  For your spiritual growth.  For your personal growth.  For your needs.  For your wants.
And for that, I owe you an apology.  By taking responsibility for you, I was trying to take the place that only the Lord can fill.  The place that only Jesus can save.  The place that only the grace of the Holy Spirit can satisfy. 

Let me clarify. There is a difference between false responsibility and empathy.  Between false responsibility and compassion.  Between false responsibility and loving concern.  Between false responsibility and God-given responsibility.  One is born out of the flawed perspective of my flesh.  The other is born from the leading and direction of God.

In this season of emotional and physical burnout, I have been astonished to discover that in Christ, I thought I had to have all the answers.  But He actually prefers that I don't even try.  Why I have been living under the compulsion that I needed to be the one with the answers, only He knows.  And He heals.

So, if you are the one that I am writing to, I look forward to relating with you in Christ.  Sometimes that means that He will equip me with what is needed to meet your needs practically and emotionally.  Sometimes that means I am to lift you up in prayer so that He can meet your needs in another way.  But as I learn how to walk unencumbered, please be patient.  And lift me up in prayer too.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

A Cold Winter Morning

Again I shall behold thee, daughter true;
The hour will come when I shall behold thee fast
In God's name, loving thee all through and through.
Somewhere in His grand thought this waits for us.
Then I shall see a smile not like thy last -
For that great thing which came when all was past,
Was not a smile, but God's peace glorious.
- George Macdonald

Olivia, I missed the best and sweetest time with you, and it haunts me still.  I had to make the choice that no mother should make and I loved out of what I had.  The only thing that gives me hope is that one day we will have an eternity to get to know each other.  Sweet one, you went on before us on a cold winter morning but you are never far from our hearts.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year!

It has become a tradition for me to write a New Year's letter, but this year it's hard to know where to start.  2012 has been a challenging year, with many positive moments as well as many opportunities to learn and grow. 

Our family went through a number of significant events this year.  Zoe turned 2, with all the joys that a toddler brings, and Sabrina turned 10.  The girls are our delight and as we all grow older we continue to grow closer.  Corrie's mom and little sister moved back to Manitoba from BC in April and stayed with us until they moved in to their own place down the street in November.  There were many rich moments of reconnecting as family, and a lot of learnings too. 

Professionally, I was privileged to take part in a leadership training program that took me to Minneapolis and New Orleans, all over a number of months.  It was an incredible learning experience and was very exciting to see a greater perspective of the excellent company that Cargill is.  It was also a great opportunity for Corrie to play "Mr. Mom" while I was away.

Personally, this year ended on a low note for me.  I don't know how to describe it other than "burn out" and couldn't begin to describe where it came from in a letter like this.  Let's just say that it's been a long time in coming.  The beautiful part about it has been that I found Jesus.  And He wasn't the Jesus I thought I had been following.  I have been astonished to find that I have missed the mark for a long time and now am on a search to know everything I can about who He really is.  If that doesn't make sense to you, I say "great! join me!"
I feel that as a family, we are at a critical place.  We have wanted to see change in many areas.  We are working through what has held us back and exploring what we can do differently.  While we both love our peaceful, cozy home and love to spend time recharging there, it's time for some adventure.
Bring it on, 2013!

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:18-19

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Still Heartbroken

On a day such as this where we remember that it is possible that a little boy who looks like his dad can go to heaven far too soon, we will also honor that a heart can still be broken.

For the past 5 years, I have been ignoring my broken heart, not listening to my broken heart, medicating my broken heart, running away from my broken heart, tending other people's broken hearts, focusing on other things than my broken heart, escaping from my broken heart, and being angry the whole time that it is still broken.

I started being angry last year at Sabrina's Christmas pageant when I realized that I would never see my twins-who-would-start-kindergarten-this-year in their first school pageant.  I love watching the kindergarten kids at the Christmas pageant.  I would have dressed Nicholas in stiff new jeans and probably tried to get away with a sweater vest and collared shirt.  His little blond head would have shone under the lights and I like to believe that he would have sung his little heart out for Baby Jesus.

I think I have been angry since then.  I'm really tired.  And still heartbroken. 

I think confronting my brokenness puts me in a good posture for awaiting my Saviour this Advent season.  Thank you, Nicholas, for continuing to grace my life with your sweet presence.  If 5 years can pass so quickly, then I am grateful that the day we will see each other again in spirit and body isn't as far away as it seems.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

5 years

I feel like I've said everything that can be said about my Nicholas and Olivia - their birth, their life, their death, their purpose.  Today marks 5 years since I gave birth to twins on their father's birthday.  I've never said that yet.  Parents always marvel at the passage of time, but we still marvel at the widening gap between knowing them and living without them.

This picture is from Sabrina's 5th birthday.  I did not get a chance to celebrate this milestone with her either because I was with her brother in the hospital.  I am sad about that too.

We will celebrate this day and remember.  There will be balloons and cards and cake.  There will be laughter and memories and love.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

happy father's day

 The best darn dad we ever had.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127: 4-5