Monday, May 31, 2010

My Shoes

I came across this poem on a blog I've been following about a brave little boy who passed away 10 months ago. Nicholas was in a room beside him in the PICU. This poem describes so well what it is like to walk through life as a grieving mother.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

Zoe at Two Months

Doesn't this picture tell it all?

Zoe is a happy, busy baby. She is growing at an excellent rate - about 1/2 lb per week. She weighs about 11 1/2 pounds now and is stretching out her 3 month clothing! She is so interactive in what's going on around her that I'm actually having to find things for her to do - something I wasn't expecting at only two months old. She is fascinated with her big sister and the two of them get along very well. I'm grateful for how good Sabrina is with Zoe and it's come in handy often. She holds her head up so well and shows such an interest in being upright that we tried her out in the exersaucer the other day. She was so excited at being able to plant her feet and push herself up!

I am so aware now of the difference between Zoe's development and Nicholas' & Olivia's development. There was a natural instinct to protect the twins, to swaddle them and bundle them up and hold them close. Zoe wants to explore her world and lets us know that she wants to be put down to kick and move.

Does having Zoe here so alive and strong make it hard to remember Nicholas & Olivia? Not at all. It feels more like they sent her to finish what they started.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


We finally received the good news yesterday to confirm what we have believed, hoped for, and prayed for all these long months. Zoe does not have SMA.

God be praised! I smile every time I think of it.

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows) John 10:10 AMP

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

Aren't my kids the cutest??☺

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Dance

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
Isaiah 49:15

I've been thinking a lot about this Scripture over the last few weeks as Zoe and I have been learning our breastfeeding dance. Lactation experts call it a dance because even though it should be the most natural thing that should come to a mother and child, it is actually a learned skill that needs to be practiced in the context of a relationship.

Once you get your rhythm established and your milk comes in, there's no way you can forget about your baby. You
need her, as much as she needs you. There's no amount of pumping that can replace a nursing baby. When it's been too long between feedings, there's a sense of urgency that develops and I cannot rest until we're together again. I love that God uses this as a picture of the relationship He wants with us. He needs us as we need Him.

Compare to feeding with a bottle. It gets the baby fed, but it is not the ideal. The baby doesn't have to work nearly as hard, and does not reap all the benefits that could be received through a breastfeeding relationship. It's an alternative that can never fully satisfy. I wonder, is that how I'm relating to God? Am I looking for something easier that meets my basic needs but doesn't go any deeper than that? How could I not want to enter into deeper relationship with the one who needs me as much as I need Him?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Zoe at 6 Weeks

Our little Zoe continues to grow in size and strength. She's getting lovely little fat rolls on her legs and a double, if not triple, chin. As a mother, I love that because my job is to fatten her up (at least for now) and keep her happy. She has transitioned from a happy, peaceful newborn to a happy, busy baby. She coos and talks and makes all kinds of sounds. And she gets very loud very quickly when she can't get to eat as quickly as she would like.

Here's the view I see of her most of the time:
She is in my arms right now, in fact, as I type with my left hand. She definitely has periods where she likes to be put down to kick and stretch, but I sure do enjoy how she snuggles in too.

This is the view of her that the rest of you would be likely to see at our house:Zoe likes to be up on your shoulder where she can lift her head up and look around. And, yes, you are seeing her smile here. She smiles all the time, and has been smiling since she was a couple of weeks old.

We're finding that our kids all resemble each other so much that both Corrie and I are mixing up names and reusing old nicknames. "Sabrina- Livvie- Zoe- Whoever you are..." I think she'll have those same deep blue eyes, but where Sabrina's are captivating, Nicholas' were deep pools, and Olivia's were so bright, Zoe's seem to dance. She's going to be full of life, just as God promised.