Sunday, March 29, 2009

Just Around the Corner

During a car ride to school one morning just after our recent snow storm in Winnipeg, Sabrina lamented that it wasn't Spring anymore. I reminded her that it was still Spring even if it didn't look like it. I also knew from years of experience that Spring always comes even if it seems like it will be winter forever.

I thought about the significance of that conversation and wondered how many times I've cried out to God for something to change instead of resting in the confidence that the change is already happening, and I just can't see it yet.

Then I remembered a conversation, again in the car with Sabrina, only a week earlier. We were on the way to her yearly checkup, a destination that she is familiar with. She kept asking, "Are we almost there?" and I would respond, "It's just around the corner," knowing that we were only a block or two away. She kept saying that she couldn't see it so it must still be really far. Only when we turned the corner and she could see our destination with her own eyes was she satisfied. Obviously, my definition of "we're almost there" and "just around the corner" was not the same as hers.

How many things are there in our lives that are just around the corner? Those things we have been waiting for, that we cannot see yet, that we think must still be so far away? Can we trust the One leading us? Can we rest in confident expectation that those things we long for are closer than we think?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Disappointed With God

A conversation with a friend the other day turned to holding on to faith in the face of disappointment with God. My friend had made some big steps of faith that had not gone the way they were expected to, and has been struggling with trusting in Him with anything else since. The conversation was seasoned with the comment "...I don't know how you held on to your faith, by the way..." and then moved on to other things.

That phrase stuck with me and I've been thinking about it ever since. What was different about my experience than any other person who has been disappointed with God? I mean, I really believed that God was going to heal Nicholas. Even just after he passed away, I was waiting for him to be miraculously resurrected. I was so confused. And did not get any less confused when Olivia passed away too.

But I could not give up on God. At least with God, I had something to believe in. Without Him there was only despair. If there was not a good reason out there somewhere for two beautiful babies to die one after the other, then there was no good reason for anything. And the desolation of that was more scary than trying to understand why God had allowed something like this to happen to us.

I don't think I was wrong to believe in Nicholas' healing, nor do I think he would have been healed if I had done anything differently. Maybe I don't even know what healing really means. What I do know, I mean really know, is when you seek to know who God really is, the less disappointed with Him you become.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Ten Thousand Years

When we've been here ten thousand years -
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise -
then when we've first begun.

Ever since I saw Nicholas and Olivia on the other side, I've had this chorus of Amazing Grace running through my head. It is such a beautiful image of the timeless glory we will enter into one day.

I've been thinking a lot about how God really sees us. When I see a person, I see them as they are at that moment. But God sees us from beginning to end. A culmination of who we were, who we are now, and who we are going to be. When someone leaves this earth we grieve over a life cut short. A life interrupted. Maybe we are looking at it from the wrong perspective. A limited perspective.

When I saw my children in perpetuity as babies, I limited them to who they were. Incomplete. Interrupted. Cut short. Now that I have seen them as the completion of who they are, I rejoice. As a mother, that's what I long for. To see my children to grow into who God made them to be.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


I have been wondering for a while if and when this blog is coming to its natural end. My friend Misty keeps telling me I have more to say. So, I find it ironic that after my last post, basically saying there isn't anything more to say, that I have been inspired to write another post.

I was at Bible study. As our teacher was talking about how some of us present had had "big prayers" prayed over them that were yet to realized, my mind went immediately to some of the prayers Nicholas and Olivia had prayed over them. A Spirit-filled young woman had prayed that Nicholas would be a "mighty man of God," and I treasured that prayer as truth. I was confused when his life was cut short here on earth. His destiny was not yet fulfilled. Our pastor prayed that Olivia would become a healer, one of peace. Another prayer my heart ached to see incomplete.

My skepticism quickly turned to revelation as I saw in my mind's eye a picture of Nicholas and Olivia as young adults. More than alive. They were like the warriors of old, as in a legend, shining like the sun. And then I realized that their destiny has been fulfilled - I just can't see it yet.

I have drawn a great deal of comfort from the revelation that I could relate to them as people and not just as babies. That has been a great joy in my relationship with Sabrina as she has grown older, and I grieved not being able to have that with my twins. And again, I am awed by the knowledge that our circle is unbroken.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

What's Left to Say?

It's been a while since I've written a post. I think about it often, but don't really know what to write about.

Life goes on. As a family, we live, we love, we work, we play. We remember. We seek to live in a way that honors Nicholas and Olivia and all that they taught us. But these are all things that seem to be my recurring theme lately.

So what's left to say? God is good, He is faithful, His love endures to all generations. I know this to be true.