A conversation with a friend the other day turned to holding on to faith in the face of disappointment with God. My friend had made some big steps of faith that had not gone the way they were expected to, and has been struggling with trusting in Him with anything else since. The conversation was seasoned with the comment "...I don't know how you held on to your faith, by the way..." and then moved on to other things.
That phrase stuck with me and I've been thinking about it ever since. What was different about my experience than any other person who has been disappointed with God? I mean, I really believed that God was going to heal Nicholas. Even just after he passed away, I was waiting for him to be miraculously resurrected. I was so confused. And did not get any less confused when Olivia passed away too.
But I could not give up on God. At least with God, I had something to believe in. Without Him there was only despair. If there was not a good reason out there somewhere for two beautiful babies to die one after the other, then there was no good reason for anything. And the desolation of that was more scary than trying to understand why God had allowed something like this to happen to us.
I don't think I was wrong to believe in Nicholas' healing, nor do I think he would have been healed if I had done anything differently. Maybe I don't even know what healing really means. What I do know, I mean really know, is when you seek to know who God really is, the less disappointed with Him you become.
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