Saturday, May 23, 2009

Am I Doing This Thing Right?

Recently I've had to tell the short version of our story a few times again, and each time it's met with the response, "You're so strong..." And I never know what to say to that because I just did what I had to do and truly only through the grace of God.

But I've also been wondering if "You're so strong..." is code for "Why don't you look sad?" or "How could you have moved on so quickly?" or "Do you miss them at all?" or "Are you out of touch with reality?"

As I visit the blogs of other grieving mothers I notice that what they are still experiencing is so different from me. Am I doing this thing right? Am I doing "too well"? Do I think about Nicholas & Olivia enough? Am I remembering them enough? If they are not physically here to demand my attention, do they get enough space in my life? My heart tells me that I am doing the best I can, with what I know, but I am plagued with whether it is enough.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Changed - One Year Later

I've been restless lately. Feeling like I'm on the brink of a major change. I sure hope so.

I wrote this post one year ago and find it amazing that I'm still feeling the same way. Longing for lasting change in my life to mark that it is different because Nicholas and Olivia lived. So mindful of how easy it is to be sucked back in to the way life was before. Desperate to find a way to prevent it.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day 2009

I could just eat her up with a spoon!!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Live Interview with QX104

Corrie and I were asked to share our story for the Caring for Kids radiothon on April 30, 2009 in support of the Children's Hospital . This is a recording of our live interview with Caroline Hunter & Troy Westwood of QX104.

Live Interview with Hot103

Corrie and I were asked to share our story for the Caring for Kids radiothon on April 30, 2009 in support of the Children's Hospital . This is a recording of our live interview with Ace & Chrissy of Hot103.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Reason to Sing

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
from "The Desert Song" by

Corrie and I recently had the privilege of being interviewed to support the Children's Hospital radio telethon here in Winnipeg. We believe in the good work they do to help sick children and their families and appreciated the chance to give back in what ever way we could.

It's been a while since I've had to tell the whole story to someone. In the social situations where I've needed to mention that Nicholas & Olivia were in Heaven, it wasn't the time or the place to go into the details. The people we interact with the most also went through the whole thing with us at the same time we did. We were told that day at the radiothon that our story was one of the saddest they had heard. It's been a while since I've heard that comment, so I wasn't prepared with a response other than "thank you". I know that they were being kind and trying to validate our pain and empathize with our situation, but it's still a hard thing to hear when there are so many sad things going on around us.

I know now how I would respond. Our story is not a sad one. It is one of victory. And of peace. And hope. We have gone through bitter loss and have emerged whole and strong. We have not been destroyed.

I've been thinking a lot about the lyric above and what it means in the context of my life. No matter what, I have a reason to sing. I had to meditate on that for quite a while before I came to the realization that if I'm reluctant to sing in every season of my life then there's something flawed in my understanding of who God is. If I have places of distrust, or bitterness, or skepticism, then I'm missing something and I need to seek the truth persistently until my understanding is restored. Only then can I have victory. And peace. And hope.