Saturday, May 23, 2009

Am I Doing This Thing Right?

Recently I've had to tell the short version of our story a few times again, and each time it's met with the response, "You're so strong..." And I never know what to say to that because I just did what I had to do and truly only through the grace of God.

But I've also been wondering if "You're so strong..." is code for "Why don't you look sad?" or "How could you have moved on so quickly?" or "Do you miss them at all?" or "Are you out of touch with reality?"

As I visit the blogs of other grieving mothers I notice that what they are still experiencing is so different from me. Am I doing this thing right? Am I doing "too well"? Do I think about Nicholas & Olivia enough? Am I remembering them enough? If they are not physically here to demand my attention, do they get enough space in my life? My heart tells me that I am doing the best I can, with what I know, but I am plagued with whether it is enough.

3 comments:

Dana said...

How can there be a "right way"? Be encouraged, Lisa, and listen to your what your heart is telling you.

I hope I'll get a chance to give you a hug when I'm in Wpg in June.

Lisa said...

Just to encourage, you- I feel the same way as you sometimes when I read blogs displaying such raw grief, or reading about the things Moms do to keep the memory of their babies alive, such as running marathons or raising thousands of dollars...but I'm learning to just do what is right for me and my family... what helps US get throuhg, since no one else is on the same journey!
It is ok to be weak, it is ok to be strong...it is ok to hide, it is ok to engage- nothing is "right"! We weren't exactly given a manual "How to properly behave when your babies die"- but we DO have the best Comforter and Guide than we could ever ask for, and I think that the strength God gives you really shines through in your blog. That should be a reason for praise, not doubt! (:

Have you ever read books by Nancy Guthrie? She lost 2 babies as well..
When I read your blog, I am often reminded of things she has said in her books which deal with questions like yours... especially about this topic. I think you would be able to relate well to what she writes.

Hannah said...

In the same line of thought as Lisa's comment, I was going to say that I see strength through Grace
here.