Saturday, March 27, 2010

Zoe Grace

Our long-awaited Zoe Grace was born on March 25, 2010 at 4:40 pm after a very short and intense labour. She burst into the world with a yell and captured our hearts, just as we knew she would. She weighed 6 lbs 12 oz and is 19.5 inches long. She continues to be a testimony to God's amazing grace.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The Short Threads

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

A dear friend reminded me recently of how much fullness Nicholas & Olivia brought into our lives in such a short time. It was so nice to be reminded of that.

We don't know why God brings some of us through quickly and others not, but our days are measured by Him even before we are born. Each one of us is born with a unique purpose, even those who live only hours, days, or months. I find that comforting. In a world that feels out of control, there's Someone who is weaving a beautiful design, even out of a chaotic mess or the most desperate of circumstances. I've heard it compared to the underside of an elaborate tapestry. From the back, it's a complete mess. From the front, it's a masterpiece.

And the short threads are just as important as the long ones.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

All is Well

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Psalm 27:13

So, you know from reading my posts over the last few weeks that I had been struggling with anxiety. Have you been wondering how I'm doing now that Zoe's arrival is so close?

All is well. Really.

I shared with you that I had been battling thoughts about whether God would "continue to make an example of us" and that "He took my other babies, why wouldn't He take this one too?" Friends, if you have noticed anything about my blog, it's that I seek to know who God is because I have learned there is nothing else to believe in. So, I've been lifting my fears up to the Lord, asking Him if He's really like that.

He's not.

God met me just in time, through a recent coffee date with a dear friend. In conversation with her, I was able to hear out loud what these thoughts sounded like and something rose up in me immediately, saying, "that doesn't sound like God". Furthermore, she asked to hear the story of Zoe again, and in the retelling I remembered the exhilaration we felt when we made the decision in faith to try again and the joy overflowing in us when we knew we were having our Zoe, our promised little girl.

Anxiety around Zoe's health has not plagued me since. I can't explain it other than I remembered God's grace. I believe that she has a very special destiny on this earth, just as Sabrina does, and as Nicholas & Olivia did. Just because Nicholas & Olivia's lives were short does not mean that God was not merciful, or faithful, or loving. He cannot act out of His character. And that comforts me. I also cannot forget how He has carried us through saying goodbye to our dear babies and the healing of our broken hearts. A person cannot bear that much sorrow in their own strength and still emerge whole.

So, right now, all is well. I am at peace. SMA is one of many risks that I choose not to dwell on - not out of denial, but out of recognition that I am not in control here. Friends, I choose daily to rest in the sovereignty of God and His promise that He will work out all things for my good because I seek Him. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it, and covers it all with His amazing grace.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

38 Weeks and Counting

Here we are at 38 weeks...just for comparison, here's me at 38 weeks with the twins

(It's the same pink shirt - I just have a little more room in it this time.)

Do you think she's excited?

A lot of people have been asking or commenting on how excited Sabrina is. She's already planning Zoe's birth-day party. But with Sabrina, there's always a reason to party.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Is This Your First?

"Is this your first baby?"

"Well, no, it's actually my fourth..."

"Oh wow! You must be pretty busy! How old are your other children?"

"Umm, well, Sabrina is 7 and I had twins 2 years ago, but they passed away."

"Oh. I'm so sorry" {awkward pause}

Why doesn't this conversation get any easier? Why do I find it so hard to find a comfortable way to acknowledge all my children? I need to practice a script. Maybe it should go like this:

"Sabrina is 7 and my twins Nicholas & Olivia would be 2 1/2. They're in Heaven now."

I'm open to suggestions.