Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Still Heartbroken

On a day such as this where we remember that it is possible that a little boy who looks like his dad can go to heaven far too soon, we will also honor that a heart can still be broken.

For the past 5 years, I have been ignoring my broken heart, not listening to my broken heart, medicating my broken heart, running away from my broken heart, tending other people's broken hearts, focusing on other things than my broken heart, escaping from my broken heart, and being angry the whole time that it is still broken.

I started being angry last year at Sabrina's Christmas pageant when I realized that I would never see my twins-who-would-start-kindergarten-this-year in their first school pageant.  I love watching the kindergarten kids at the Christmas pageant.  I would have dressed Nicholas in stiff new jeans and probably tried to get away with a sweater vest and collared shirt.  His little blond head would have shone under the lights and I like to believe that he would have sung his little heart out for Baby Jesus.

I think I have been angry since then.  I'm really tired.  And still heartbroken. 

I think confronting my brokenness puts me in a good posture for awaiting my Saviour this Advent season.  Thank you, Nicholas, for continuing to grace my life with your sweet presence.  If 5 years can pass so quickly, then I am grateful that the day we will see each other again in spirit and body isn't as far away as it seems.


Anonymous said...

Dear Nicholas,
You have left such an empty hole in our lives, but even though you are not with us in body, you are always with us in spirit. We hold you close to our hearts until the day we will see each other again. I am reminded of you every time I see your little sister's smile and I thank God for that special gift.
Love, Gramma

Kristen said...

Thinking about you and sweet Nicholas today. The more time passes the more I am convinced that our hearts will never heal, not until that moment where we meet again. Until that moment I wish you peace my friend.

Misty B said...

Your link between advent and your brokenheartedness is interesting because I only see hope when I read this post.



Anonymous said...

Dear Nicholas

Your short time with us on earth has left me with wonderful memories and important lessons of life. Both of which I will charish forever. See you soon.

Love Uncle Jeff