Zoe at 7 Months

Zoe has been hard at work practicing all day...

Have/Had

I've written before about the difficulty I was still having in navigating the question "How many children do you have?" It comes up quite often, especially as my circle is being widened and more time has passed since Nicholas and Olivia were with us. Most people who have lost a loved one have lost parents, siblings, friends, or family members and are not usually asked about them in passing conversation. If you have lost a spouse you can be defined as a widow or widower. There is no description for a grieving parent.

In response to the question asked of me today, I responded that we have 4 children - Sabrina and Zoe who are with us, and twins that passed away a couple of years ago. His reply emphasized that we had twins and at the time I thought his use of "had" instead of "have" was insensitive. But I think I need to think about this some more. I really don't have twins anymore. Their beautiful spirits left this earth almost 3 years ago, and what I have are photos, keepsakes, and memories.

My heart does not want to leave out Nicholas and Olivia when I talk about my children. But I think I can finally find some resolution to this by changing a simple word. I have had 4 children - I have Sabrina and Zoe, and had Nicholas and Olivia. By God's grace, I've come to accept that, and acceptance is a peaceful place to be.

Zoe at 6 Months

Here is Zoe, trying out a banana. She has been fascinated with watching us eat and has been enthusiastic about trying new foods. I'm excited about the things I've been reading about Baby-Led Weaning, where the approach is more about adding foods to an infant's breastmilk intake, than about replacing milk or transitioning from a liquid diet to a solid diet. She loves to explore a chunk of pear or banana, gnawing off some to taste, and squishing the rest between her fingers. And it's so much less pressure than our society's traditional approach, with spooning in cereals and purees and hoping they get enough to eat.

Zoe is also close to being able to sit up on her own! She now likes to play propped up with her nursing pillow and explore her world from this new perspective. Could her eyes get any bluer??

Zoe at 5 Months

Need I say more?

August is SMA Awareness Month

I hate SMA. That should go without saying, but I wanted to say it. When Nicholas was given a "preliminary" (!) diagnosis of SMA, Corrie was the one who researched it. I looked on a webpage or two, but didn't go very deep. I didn't want to know.

I still don't want to know.

I have not entered into the community of SMA. I have not raised funds for SMA research, I do not follow SMA blogs, and know just 2 families who have experienced the loss of a child to SMA, and only because they live in Winnipeg as well and were introduced to me through mutual friends. I recognize that this is out of avoidance, and that it has been a coping mechanism. I also recognize that it is not healthy.

I get angry when I think about SMA. Once, when we were watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition they profiled a family who had two children living with SMA. I got so angry and upset I couldn't watch. I can relate to families whose children have passed away, but am riddled with guilt when faced with families who care for their SMA children 24/7, incredulous that Type I cases can live past 2 years old. Wondering if we could have managed it. Exhausted by their limitless energy to not only provide nonstop intensive care for very frail children, but to raise funds for SMA research as well.

So, needless to say, thanks to my new friend Kristen, I discover 2 1/2 years after being introduced to SMA that SMA awareness not only has a month, but a ribbon too. Ivory, to represent the innocence and purity of this horrible disease's victims.

The problem is, I don't want to be aware. I don't even want to acknowledge that this stupid disease even exists. And I don't know what to do with that.

What I am grateful for are the many who labor tirelessly for SMA awareness, who raise funds for SMA research, who don't let us forget that it can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere, and that it must be stopped. For those precious people, and for my precious babies, I will wear the ribbon. I will be aware.

Zoe at 4 Months

Here's Zoe playing with her toes. She can get them into her mouth too, if she wants to. If we ask "Where are your toes?" she holds them up and grabs them. I don't think infants are supposed to understand language, but I'm just sayin'...

She's settled into a good routine, and is awake a lot of the day, full of smiles and wanting to explore her world. She usually only complains if she needs a change of scenery or is getting hungry. What a delight our Zoe is! I am overwhelmed by God's goodness every day.

Balance, Compromise, and the Art of Letting Go

I relate a lot to Peter. He was impulsive, headstrong, opinionated, and probably a little rough around the edges. He was also the rock upon which Christ chose to build His church. What I relate most to was his enthusiasm. What he was into, he was all in. When Jesus washed his feet, he asked Him to wash the rest of him too. When Jesus walked on water, Peter was the only one who would get out of the boat. He was too proud to realize that he needed Jesus' help and boasted that he would follow Him anywhere, only to deny Him a short time later.

Looking back, I can see that's been my approach to life. An insatiable thirst to know the truth. To do what's right. To change everything to make it right, usually under my own strength. To always have the answer to everything, and rebuke those who choose a different way. To follow hard after Jesus, no matter what the cost. I know God loves my heart, and He made me the way I am. I'm just continually learning to submit that back to Him for refining.

My lifestyle over the last few years has not lent to a lot of quiet time. "Be still, and know I am God" has had to be contained into manageable 1/2 hour chunks. Until now. God has blessed me with a content baby, and I have not changed much of my household routine except to not go to work. I have had a lot of quiet time on my hands. And reached some new perspective.

I have spent most of my time up until now agonizing over whether I am doing things right. Do I dress modestly enough? Am I providing good nutrition for my family, especially my children? Have we made a mistake setting up our lifestyle so I have to work? Why can we not get the hang of good money management? Should I still be holding Zoe for naps or start "sleep training"? Can I eliminate the chemical use in my home? Can I reduce our garbage output? What about choosing fair trade options when I shop?

And this is just the tip of my iceberg, my friends.

As I've mentioned in a couple of previous posts on breastfeeding, I think He made our breastfeeding relationship the way it is to slow me down. To put me on the couch in a "time out" for a season. And I'm starting to see the fruit of it. I can't explain how, but I started to realize that there are a lot of things that don't matter. I mean, they matter, but they can't ALL matter to me. I had the revelation that I am exactly in the time I am supposed to be, the culture God wanted me to be immersed in, and instead of fighting it, I need to learn how to live a God-honoring lifestyle in the midst of it that would be a breath of fresh air instead of a cloud of oppression.

I am learning the art of letting go. I am seeking balance, and in the quest for it, I am learning appropriate compromise. For example, I would love to have completely homemade snacks in my daughter's lunch, but I just can't manage it and keep a healthy balance. So everything in her lunch is pretty much bought, but carefully chosen. (and some just for fun) I don't love it, but I can't kill myself trying to make it perfect. I discovered the other day that if I go with the flow with Zoe and don't try to force things I think she "should" be doing, they evolve under gentle guidance. Case in point, she is napping peacefully in her crib right now. By God's grace, and not by my effort. Even regarding my appearance. In my concern for modesty and confusion over whether it's right to enhance what God has given us, I have been reminded that God loves beautiful things. I could rest in the reassurance that is good and right to seek beauty, as long as you are not using it to define your worth.

In my journey, grieving has been a process of self-discovery. A refining fire. I have learned so much about how I think about myself, God, and others through what has surfaced since we discovered we were having twins 3 years ago. God is moving my security from the prison of self-righteousness and perfectionism to the solid Rock of His truth. And I have Nicholas & Olivia to thank for that.