We gave birth to twin babies July 18, 2007 only to discover a couple of months later that Nicholas had a fatal genetic disease called spinal muscular atrophy. He passed away November 27, 2007 and a week later his twin sister Olivia was diagnosed with the same disease. She passed away January 12, 2008. This is a memoir of their lives, as well as a place to share my journey through everything that has happened.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Zoe Grace
Our long-awaited Zoe Grace was born on March 25, 2010 at 4:40 pm after a very short and intense labour. She burst into the world with a yell and captured our hearts, just as we knew she would. She weighed 6 lbs 12 oz and is 19.5 inches long. She continues to be a testimony to God's amazing grace.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Short Threads
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
We don't know why God brings some of us through quickly and others not, but our days are measured by Him even before we are born. Each one of us is born with a unique purpose, even those who live only hours, days, or months. I find that comforting. In a world that feels out of control, there's Someone who is weaving a beautiful design, even out of a chaotic mess or the most desperate of circumstances. I've heard it compared to the underside of an elaborate tapestry. From the back, it's a complete mess. From the front, it's a masterpiece.
And the short threads are just as important as the long ones.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
All is Well
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Psalm 27:13
So, you know from reading my posts over the last few weeks that I had been struggling with anxiety. Have you been wondering how I'm doing now that Zoe's arrival is so close?
All is well. Really.
I shared with you that I had been battling thoughts about whether God would "continue to make an example of us" and that "He took my other babies, why wouldn't He take this one too?" Friends, if you have noticed anything about my blog, it's that I seek to know who God is because I have learned there is nothing else to believe in. So, I've been lifting my fears up to the Lord, asking Him if He's really like that.
He's not.
God met me just in time, through a recent coffee date with a dear friend. In conversation with her, I was able to hear out loud what these thoughts sounded like and something rose up in me immediately, saying, "that doesn't sound like God". Furthermore, she asked to hear the story of Zoe again, and in the retelling I remembered the exhilaration we felt when we made the decision in faith to try again and the joy overflowing in us when we knew we were having our Zoe, our promised little girl.
Anxiety around Zoe's health has not plagued me since. I can't explain it other than I remembered God's grace. I believe that she has a very special destiny on this earth, just as Sabrina does, and as Nicholas & Olivia did. Just because Nicholas & Olivia's lives were short does not mean that God was not merciful, or faithful, or loving. He cannot act out of His character. And that comforts me. I also cannot forget how He has carried us through saying goodbye to our dear babies and the healing of our broken hearts. A person cannot bear that much sorrow in their own strength and still emerge whole.
So, right now, all is well. I am at peace. SMA is one of many risks that I choose not to dwell on - not out of denial, but out of recognition that I am not in control here. Friends, I choose daily to rest in the sovereignty of God and His promise that He will work out all things for my good because I seek Him. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it, and covers it all with His amazing grace.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Do you think she's excited?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Is This Your First?
"Is this your first baby?"
"Well, no, it's actually my fourth..."
"Oh wow! You must be pretty busy! How old are your other children?"
"Umm, well, Sabrina is 7 and I had twins 2 years ago, but they passed away."
"Oh. I'm so sorry" {awkward pause}
Why doesn't this conversation get any easier? Why do I find it so hard to find a comfortable way to acknowledge all my children? I need to practice a script. Maybe it should go like this:
"Sabrina is 7 and my twins Nicholas & Olivia would be 2 1/2. They're in Heaven now."
I'm open to suggestions.