Decisions, Decisions

I've heard it said that one should not make any major decisions in the first year of grieving. Before I was put into such a situation, I don't think I understood why a person could not continue to use logic and common sense even when they have suffered unspeakable loss.

I think I understand now.

I feel the need to explain ourselves. Not as a defense necessarily, but to provide some perspective into some of the decisions we've made that may not make sense or even seem wise. You see, when we were expecting the twins, we decided to sell our beloved VW Jetta and buy a minivan. A minivan. We were not "minivan people". We were Volkswagen people. We liked to be cramped and sporty and getting 1200km to a tank of diesel.

So here we were with this minivan, and 2 of the 3 children that we anticipated would fill it up were gone. Corrie, being the man of action that he is, promptly decided to take advantage of whatever value was left in it and trade it in for a truck. In the dark days before Olivia's death, once we realized that she was to end up in Jesus' arms with her brother Nicholas, we turned our shattered dreams toward plans of spending time together camping as a family. It's our favorite thing to do. So, we intended to buy a camper and needed a truck to pull it.

We bought our truck almost immediately after Olivia passed away. We couldn't even stand to look at the minivan; it was such a bitter reminder of all that we lost. But the truck just didn't feel right either. It was a flashy reminder of the bleak truth that you cannot put your hope in things, in items, in possessions.

Many months have passed, and we have purchased a new camper to go with our truck. Was it the wisest decision? I don't know. But what I do know is that Corrie, Sabrina, and I have a safe place to retreat and to reconnect as a family. No, we didn't have to buy a truck and a camper to make that happen, but it was what we knew at the time.

I could drive that minivan now and it would be OK. It could be a tangible reminder that we were all together here for a while. It could represent for us in reality what we are in spirit. Sometimes it's hard to look at the truck and not be grieved that we made that decision so soon; that we didn't wait for God to fill that gaping hole with what He thought was best. But most of the time I can forgive us for making a big decision in unfamiliar territory. If God can offer us that grace, then so can I.