I've been going around in circles. Even though I feel like I've moved into a new season in this grief journey, it doesn't mean that the ever-increasing signs of fall have not triggered the occasional grief storm of memories in this new season.I remember Nicholas getting sicker and sicker. Taking him to the hospital in the middle of the night. Missing Sabrina's 5th birthday party. Not understanding what the doctors were trying to tell us in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. Being surprised that God actually took Nicholas and didn't heal him.
This is where my circling starts. If I know God to be good, and Jesus to be a Healer of "all who were brought before Him", then my logic follows that Nicholas and Olivia, who were brought before Him countless times in faith, should have been healed. I was expecting it, believing in it, putting all of my hope into it.
When they died, one by one, I shifted into needing to bring meaning to their lives by holding on to the goodness of God and how they fit into His plan. But, as time went by, and I felt safer asking God those big questions of "why?" and "how could You?", I realized I was mad that I couldn't understand how something like this could happen to someone who loves Him and seeks to serve Him.
But I keep coming back to God's goodness. Without the sovereign rule of an infinitely wise and loving Creator, life has no meaning. Without God, even a God that I can't understand, there is only despair. I can't live in a world where babies die for no reason. Even if I can't know why, at least I know there is a "why" that I will see in its entirety when I meet them on the other side.
6 comments:
I'm in circles, too. One thing that my husband reminds me when I start wondering why Amryn and Rachel weren't healed, is that they WERE healed! Completely! God's promise was kept, after all. And it helps to remember that... its just hard to take. They weren't healed in the way we had hoped...
what a confusing time for My Lisa, i saw how full of Hope you were in that time , and how you were so , positive that your beautiful babies would be healed by God .. How you only would allow us (YOUR FAMILY ) to believe the same .. you were so strong Lis, I know God heard your prayers and saw your tears and watched your heart break, because we all did .. but God always has a plan and the one thing i trusted was that the GIRL who loved God and served god and taught others the miracle of God was going to go thru the worst time of her life .. and come out the other side with more Love and more trust for her God because you are the one to seek the answers everyday untill you are satisfied !! im so proud of you .. You are such an insperation ! Thankyou for being so open and honest with your feelings. That is a difficult thing for ANYONE to do.. This was an awesume post.. every time i read you i really learn something .I thank God for YOU, my son is so blessed to have found you(another of Gods plan) my grand daughter is blessed to have you for her momma(you can teach her so much) I am blessed to have you as my "daughter" you teach me so much.. this is a hard time of year for you, but let God help you through it .. i LOVE you my girl..sooo much momxxxooo
Yeah (Misty says as she nods knowingly and sighs)
Same here. Ditto to everything you said. No words of wisdom here, I'm with you on this one. Love, Mummy
Just wanted to share with you Lis something that you once shared with me ...still have this verse sitting out reminding me everyday**" For I know the plans I have for you" says the LORD, Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." JEREMIAH 29:11 I'll never forget the time when i needed these words and YOU, my girl came up with them. Plans , we trust in Gods PLANS: love ya sweetheartxxxoooomom
That's an interesting perspective, Lisa...
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