You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness...Psalm 30:11 (NKJV)
I was uncomfortable with my last post. I don't really like to write about the darker things I struggle with, but I've committed to being real here. I don't use words like "jealousy" and "sorrow" lightly, because overall I want to emphasize how good God has been to us.
My friend Misty's comment on that post struck me with its simplicity. I love how she brings perspective into those places that I'm still seeing with my old self, the "me" before Nicholas & Olivia. I was sharing about how I don't want to be "that person", the one with the tragedy. And very clearly, she reminded me that in order to dance, you need to go through the mourning.
After all, she said, it's not denial before dancing.
So there it is. On the whole, I navigate life pretty well, thanks to the grace of God. I overflow with joy at meeting new babies. I love the abundance and mystery and miracle of a woman carrying new life. I also long for what I had, and while I walk this earth, will always carry sorrow for two precious lives ended before their time. I will not deny that.
But I will yield it back to my Father, and ask Him to make something beautiful out of it. That's where the dancing is.
7 comments:
hey lis and misty : i am confused ..as iam not (and i am having trouble finding the right word ) as in tune with the Lord ? as you guys are....i am having trouble trying to understand how we turn mourning into dancing.. i realize that we cant mourn for our babies and that we can be joyfull for knowing that thay are with Jesus .. is this the Dancing? can you explain Its Not Denial Before Dancing ..I really need a Bible Study Class!!! thanks MOM
It's more that the mourning is important too - that you cannot really experience joy without going through the sadness first.
I believe Misty was trying to reassure me that the mourning is OK too - that it is a part of God's design. I'm often too concerned that I "intrude" on people's everyday life with reminding them of our tragedy. But what I hadn't considered was that denying it in order to blend in isn't right, either.
I've realized I'm still trying to come to terms with being "that person." Our society doesn't really know what to do with the concept of death, especially when it touches the people they know. Maybe by being authentic about where I'm at and what I'm feeling, I'm allowing those around me to experience the whole picture, the mourning as well as the dancing.
Hi Lisa: I'm so glad you wrote about this. I think it was good for your friends to hear how you feel. It releases them to be able to share their joy with you. It is natural to have this mix of emotions. Joy for those who want to share their good news and sadness because it is a reminder of what we once had. I struggle with this and sometimes I fail. But then, God picks me up and carries me when I can't walk anymore. It is then that I find the joy again. Joy at knowing He hears and understands, joy that He will give us "beauty for ashes", and yes, joy that we can still feel joy for those who are having babies. God IS Love and God IS Great!
Love, Mummy
I enjoy reading your posts- you echo many of my own struggles and thoughts. One thing you wrote struck me, though- you say that your babies were taken "before their time". The other day I was struggling with this, because I wonder if it is wrong to say that- people keep telling me that my babies were not taken before their time... that their time here was complete. That their lives were exactly as long as God intended them to be. What do you think about that?
You know, Lisa, I struggle with that one myself. The Word makes reference in many places that long life is a reward from God and that it is His intention for His people. Set that within a fallen world however, and you experience death outside of that intention.
I believe that what Satan meant for my harm, God has redeemed for my good. I do not believe that God Himself would create a baby to be less than perfect, but that Satan can interfere with the natural order of things. That's where I start going in a circle because I also believe that God is sovereign.
Either way, I believe that Jesus has bought back what has been lost through the curse and used the imperfectly short lives of my babies to accomplish His perfect purpose. Were they taken before their time? Only God truly knows, but my heart still whispers, "yes"
as i said before OUR babies were a Blessing from God. They werent here for a long time.. but the JOY and the LOVE , and the importance of Family and children that they taught ALL of us (ALL OF OUR EXTENTED FAMILY INCLUDED) is something none of should take for granted.... This was GOD at work.... like your mom said GOD IS GOOD!!!GOD IS GREAT!!! imiss having my babie twins LIVY and NICKY but i thank God for them everyday...Ikiss them goodnight everynight and i tell them i LOVE them.. as i love all my grandchildren , as iLOVE my CHILDREN.all of them.... LOVE MOM XXXXOOOO
What a beautiful post, Lisa. I wholeheartedly agree with you that without the mourning, we wouldn't understand what it is to truly dance with abandonment and joy.
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