This Week

I've been very kind to myself this week. I've treated myself gently; I rested when I was tired, worked when I needed to focus on something, met friends for breakfast when I needed a boost.

I had anticipated that this week may be difficult and arranged to not be at work. I am grateful to have the freedom and consideration to do that. It was good that I did. One of the things I would have never expected about grieving is how much energy it takes.

You know, the week started out as I thought it would. We had just returned from a family weekend getaway, and as Sabrina went off to school and Corrie went off to work, I was home alone with my thoughts. Since this week is a significant anniversary for us, of course last year this time was on my mind. I succumbed to depression.

I feel Nicholas & Olivia's absence in everything. It is something that is always present with me. I think I've reached a point of acceptance where this is just the way things are. But it's things like family weekends where they should have been there, and putting up the Christmas tree, and being reminded of what my little boy went through before he died that make it just too hard to accept some days.

And that's where God rushes in and lifts me up. He carries those things that are too heavy for me to bear. My friends, I speak the absolute truth here. There is no way that a person can suffer unspeakable loss and emerge whole without the saving grace of God. He met me right where I was at and I have been renewed and comforted. The reality of Nicholas' death has been before us every day since November 27, 2007. Tomorrow we will remember our little boy. But we will also honour our journey over this past year and celebrate God's goodness to our family.