I've been knocked flat on my ass. (I know, that's not the best choice of words, but frankly, it says exactly what I mean.)
I've been rapidly overtaken by a spirit of heaviness, even depression. I've been tired, dull, irritable, eating erratically, and well, depressed. I've been crying out to God to show me what's wrong with me. I'm astonished at how quickly you can be overwhelmed by depression, and once it has settled in, how powerless you feel that you can do anything about it.
Well, if you didn't already guess, nothing's wrong with me. In this quiet time God so graciously provided for me, He has been speaking into the expectations I've been carrying over my life. It's been just over a year since I went back to work full-time after losing my twins. I went back at this time of year because it's our busiest season and I didn't want to let anyone down. After all, I was doing really well, right?
I'm back to full circle. A year later, another busy season past, and nothing has changed. We're still struggling with the same debts. We still have the same accumulated clutter in our basement that I haven't dealt with. We still haven't decided what to do about having more children. We still haven't landscaped our yard. We still haven't done anything with the twins' room.
And when it felt like everything that could go wrong did in the past week, I was undone. Two years ago we proudly moved into this house with twins expected to arrive any time. Two years later, what has changed?
My heart, for one. My perspective? My relationship with Corrie and Sabrina. My friendships. My families.
I looked at Corrie last night and by the grace of God was able to say, "Right now, at this very moment, things are OK." And they were. And they still were the moment after that, too. I have put myself under so much pressure to change, to show the world that Nicholas & Olivia's brief time here mattered, that I've only really been looking at what has not been done. It's overwhelming to stare into the face of everything you're not and try to figure out how you're fix it.
God hasn't asked me to do that at all. He just asks me to believe, just believe, and He will take care of the rest. Yes, I'm still learning that, and will keep on learning it until I get it. God, give me the patience to walk this walk one step at a time.
4 comments:
Thank you so much for this today...
Nicholas and Olivia's lives already matter. And God is continuing to accomplish His will through them just as he is my mother's life... I am thinking about how even the experiences I have had, and the distance but not so much distance from my grief has sort of come together to make a shared experience for us.
hi my girl,first off you dont have to PROVE anything to anyone.. you are who you are and God made you that way>> everyone has times in their life when they feel like they are not getting anything done or feel guilty about not doing anything ..etc.. cleaning basement .. landscaping ..its called LIFE.. you are busy .. and when youre not its okay.. there is no pressure to do things .. if you think you are depressed i think you should talk to a councelor .. someone from church .. or your dr.. dont let life get you down .. there is a book about grieving and Tracey was talking about it to me .. phone her and ask her .. things always look worse than they are and as long as you and your little family are happy thats all you need worry about ..i love you
Yeah, I can relate. I have a plaque on the wall with only one word, "BELIEVE". When I am in a "dark place" and that plaque catches my eye, it is a real reminder that I have only to believe. It is hard sometimes to believe when you don't see the changes take place that you think should be happening. Maybe we look at it through our human eyes. I have been in some "dark places" this last while and I don't like being there. It hurts! Those are the times that I really have to believe that God is, that He cares, that He is in control and that He will see us through this. We have only to BELIEVE. Believe this, the changes are happening. They are happening for us and they will for you too. I believe it. I am still learning that our timing is not God's timing and sometimes I have to just "be still" and wait on God. Nicholas & Olivia's time here mattered. They've made a huge impact on our lives in a very real, positive way. They brought us joy, hope and a closeness we didn't have before. It is good that we don't have to figure out how to fix everything that sometimes goes all wrong. We have Someone who does that for us. All we have to do is BELIEVE.
Love, Mummy
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