I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"
Matthew West, The Motions
I don't know everything. I don't have all the answers. I can't predict the future outcome of my choices. I really don't have much control over what happens to me or my family.
What if I came to the conclusion that I do not have the right perspective to be making the big decisions and leaned instead on the infinite wisdom of the Creator?
Sounds kinda crazy, by the world's standards.
But really, what else is there to put my trust in? Myself? Hardly. Other people? There just as beautifully flawed as I am. Society? Umm, no. The "experts"? Hey, I'm at the age where I've realized the experts are people like me who have read a few more books than I have. (ok, maybe not quite, but... )
I like the question posed in the song lyric above. What if I could give everything, instead of just living my life, "safe" in the small world of what I know? I was watching some Michael Jackson clips recently, and pondering what it was about him that generated such an emotional response when he performed. It was because he gave everything he had to his fans. He held nothing back. There's something about people who live their lives like that, that bring out a longing in our spirits, a yearning for being able to shed those fears that hold us back and live. Really live.
5 comments:
It's funny that you talk about shedding your fears. Since losing Georgia I can't really list any fears that I now live with. I tell people that losing a child is like walking through fire. You come out forever changed and yet you fear nothing. I consider that one of the gifts that she left me with.
Kristen
I agree with you in that, there are very few fears that I have anymore.
But the ones I had left were very personal, and have surfaced as part of the grieving process. Yes, there can be great comfort in realizing that nothing is in your control, and that can make you fearless.
But there is also the "once bitten, twice shy" fear that appears when you are at a point where you feel you need to make some decisions about what is next for your family, and have been exposed not only to the risks you know, but the risks you didn't know.
I just found your blog via Georgia's Journey and I wanted to pass on how sorry i am for the loss of your twins. We, too, have a Nicholas who is 13 months old and has Spinal Muscular Atrophy. It is a devestating disease and my heart goes out to you and your family.
I think that I want to do that... yet I don't want to do that. Trusting with everything, oh my heart yearns and quakes at the same time.
You are very right. I say that I have no fears in my life as I live it at the moment. Those 'personal' decisions that you refer to for what is next for your family are at times terrifying to contemplate. I don't pretend to know what anyone else is feeling or thinking. Grief is very much a personal journey. Keep praying and you will do what is right for all of you.
Please know that I am thinking about you and wishing you the best of luck to make decisions and move beyond the fear many of us will have to face.
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