A Living Death

Have you ever had your perspective opened up to the point where you could see that the circumstances of your life were spun and crafted around bringing you to the place where you are right now?

I was drifting before Nicholas & Olivia entered my life. I worked, spent time with family and friends, cared for my home. No real goals, no big dreams, nothing bigger than myself other than the occasional life situation that was hard to handle. We decided to get pregnant again around Sabrina's 4th birthday, realizing that she needed a sibling and none of us were getting any younger. There was no burning desire to have lots of children. That would have disrupted my inertia.

With the news of twins on the way, my life got turned upside down. This was something way bigger than I could handle. Here I first learned about reaching out to others for help. I never needed to before. I was more than capable to accomplish what I needed to, or I just didn't do it.

With the news of terminal illness threatening to take my children, my upside-down life imploded. The only thing I could do was ride on God's grace and the support of others. Grieving brought out things in me I never knew were there. Things that have held me down and held me back for a long time. I faced insecurity, fear of rejection, perfectionism, and the realization that while I knew of Christ and leaned on Him, I never really knew His love.

God has been working in my life in amazing ways over the last few years, and He has opened my perspective to as much as I can handle to see how He has brought me to this point. I had a revelation on Friday morning that I can hardly explain, that reminded me that because I opened my heart up to love my children, they will always be with me in a way that will never be unbroken. And where love is, God is, because God is love. Opening my heart up to risk loving others, even if the cost is pain and brokenness, has brought me to such a place of incredible hope.

At 34 years of age, I realized I have not a single big goal, dream, or vision for my life. I don't know if I've been too afraid to try for fear of failing, but I do know now that self-protecting is a living death. God's Word reminds us that "without a vision, the people perish." Living a half-life, fearful of getting hurt, gets you exactly what you expect. Less than a full life.

And Jesus came so we would have Life! and Life Abundant! Is your life an abundant life? Or are you worshiping at the feet of Safety, weary from protecting yourself from getting hurt? Wondering if this is all there is? If there is one thing I have learned it's that if you're going to get hurt, preparing yourself ahead of time for it never makes it any easier to bear. And you're only robbing yourself of all the life you could experience in the meantime.

I have decided that I will not prepare myself for the worst, because I have realized that I don't really know what the worst is. It is also not within my ability to protect myself. That's what I have a Protector for. He has enabled me to love all my children with all my heart and trust Him that His Word is true. I am ready to step out and live Life! the way He meant it to be.