Friday, April 16, 2010

Overanalyzing

I knew before Zoe came that I would struggle with overanalyzing her. Looking for clues, hints right from the beginning that would show that she had SMA. I gloried in her vigorous movements, her strength, her ability to breastfeed right away. I loved her first yell, and how she kept yelling until she got what she wanted. I praised God for His mercy and kindness at such a precious gift.

I looked for tongue fasiculations while she slept. I kept testing her reflexes. Kept asking people if she looked and acted like a "normal" newborn. Tried to read their faces to see if there was something they weren't telling me. Then the 2nd week newborn sleepiness set in, and I was almost undone. Her belly breathing looked suspicious. She wasn't waking up for feeds. She wasn't crying anymore.

God met me in my paranoia through the Internet and led me to a number of websites that reminded me that all the things I was seeing were typical newborn behaviour and once she got past her sleepy stage I would be wishing it came back. And they were right. Zoe continues to grow in vigor, growing stronger not weaker. Because the onset of SMA can manifest later, "all of a sudden", we did request a genetic test for our peace of mind. But I am at peace regardless of the test.

To be honest, I am disappointed in myself. We are called to walk by faith, not by sight. I am at peace because I am seeing signs of the healthy baby that I believe God promised me when she was conceived. I should be at peace just because God led us to have another baby and no matter what happens He has promised to work all things out for our good. I am grateful that He is meeting me where I'm at and continuing to reveal Himself and His nature to me through this.

It is so hard to reconcile "healthy baby = gift from God" when my Nicholas & Olivia were gifts from God too.

3 comments:

Misty said...

You are allowed to hope and pray for a healthy baby.

Love,

Misty

Kim said...

Do not be disappointed in yourself, you are human and a very caring, loving mom. May you find peace in your heart as you watch and care for your children. They are all so very precious and beautiful.

Anonymous said...

you are so hard on yourself Lis!!! Live your life for today and enjoy every moment !! we have to believe that there is a reason for everything we go through in our lifetime and a great big plan that we dont know !! But God is amazing and is working miracles in your life everyday !! and Misty is right , i dont know a mother who DOESNT pray for a healthy baby!! and dont forget we are all praying for Zoey!! remember Nicky and Livy are with God .. How Great is that!! i love you sooo very much , and i believe only good things are coming your way!! love mom♥♥♥