Walking in the Valley

I've heard it mentioned more than once since entering into mourning that those who grieve go through cycles, rather than one large process where you emerge whole and healed at the end. That makes a lot of sense, since as time passes we perceive things differently as the lens through which we view them changes.

Right in the beginning, when without a doubt that grieving was far too big for me to manage on my own, that's when I was able to cast my cares upon God and His grace was ever-present. People would ask me how I was doing, and I would reply that I was "fine" or "carried by God's grace". It was all so fresh that support was visible and all around us. We saw how much God loved us every day through those that served us and cared for our hurting family. I was amazed at the revelation that He would indeed carry our sorrows if we offered them up to Him to take.

As time has gone by, and the loss isn't as raw, bit by bit I've started to take my burden back from God's big shoulders. And it nearly overwhelmed me. Friends, those of you who do not know Christ as your Saviour, how do you do it? How do you live life without Jesus? Now that I've seen both worlds, the natural one and the Kingdom, I don't ever want to go back to living in the natural. Living in my natural instincts, my natural independent streak, a personality and heart not yielded to something better than myself. Yes, I stumble, I make mistakes, I carry things I was never meant to carry. But I know that the saving grace of God will cover those things and that brings me hope.

This grief cycle has brought me from a place of leaning on God and people, to trying to manage on my own and fighting against having to grieve, to back to accepting where I am at and resting in the promise that God will make something beautiful out of my pain. Knowing myself as I do, that as the lens of my circumstances changes again, I will enter into another grief cycle. But each time I go back to walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I know He is with me and I don't have to fear anything. He will protect me and guide me. (Psalm 23)