To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven.
Ecclesiastes 3:1
In my previous post, I wrote about experiencing a separation from what was then to what is now. A friend of mine commented that God had promised me a new day, and that I am walking in it. That so resonated with me because it describes this new place in which I seem to have found myself.
I am not in denial. I know very well that my twin babies died one after the other last winter. Neither am I in avoidance. I look at their pictures, think about them, engage in conversation about them, talk to them. I have visited the hospital wards where they took their last breath.
But that was then. Time has done its job of steadily moving me from season to season. I hope it's not too soon to say, but I believe that I have entered into a new season of accepting what has been and being comfortable with where I am now. I wish my twins were here. I think they would have been really delightful children. But their absence from my life has subsided from being something that I'm missing out on to something that just is.
Each season comes with new questions. "How can I do this?" changes from despair to practicality. Now we are asking ourselves, "What do we do with their room?" and "Are we going to try to conceive more children?" The choices we are considering now do not supersede or deny Nicholas & Olivia's existence at their specific point in time. They are simply in a new season.
5 comments:
Wow- I am so happy for you to have discovered this new feeling!
But I am a little envious because I am wondering when I will reach it, too. I feel it once in awhile creeping in, but it's not all the way there yet... sometimes I wonder "is this it? Am I getting "better"?" and then the next day I crash back down. What is your secret to staying at the place you are at?
Ithink that being in your new palce is always a work in progress. My angel Mackenzie became an angel 10 years ago. I spent the first 6 years angry at God. Then a friend asked me to go to a Bible study with her it was there that I realized how angry I was, I found my self crying all the way home each week. Now I am not angry anymore but there are days where I miss him dearly, and would do just about anything to see his sweet face.
I am so glad for you that you didn't spend 6 years angry, it wasn't fun!!!!
"What's your secret to staying at the place you are at?"
Choosing to believe the Truth of who God is. He is infinitely good, infinitely wise, and sovereign over everything that happens to us. He is love. He loves us so much that He gives us the freedom to choose, and that freedom to choose has resulted in us living in a fallen and cursed world. But the good news is that He can redeem any situation for our good and His glory.
But I had to make a decision to live by Truth and not by my own unreliable human emotions. I learned very quickly that I needed to trust God for His perspective and His ever-present care.
Lisa you are a very gifted writer, I think you missed your calling. Reading your blog, I feel like I totally know how you feel and can understand what some of you have gone thru. You are a very strong person and I think it's wonderful that you have found a way to educate and involve others, open up and share the blessing your children are. I'm soo happy to hear you are doing so well. take care. crystal anderson
I,too have been inspired by your writings. At first I would cry because of having gone through this with you and understanding with a mother's heart of where you were at that point in time. I was looking back this week to last year this time and it struck me just how far we have all come in one year. Yes its been hard, but to witness God's love and mercy first hand is just awesome! I miss my grandbabies terribly but I have found that God has gently been moving us forward to where we are now. He knew what He was doing when He made the seasons. We will never forget our babies but they too have moved on and are waiting for us. We were not meant to stay in the past but to move forward. Nicholas and Olivia will forever stay in our memories as we continue to move on. I also wanted you to know that your insight and faith have encouraged me to move forward with joy and anticipation to what God has in store for us. God Bless you, my child.
Love, Mummy
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