I'm coming off of a very, very busy time at work and my energy, strength, and defenses are low. I've been following a few grieving mother blogs lately that have left me racked with guilt because they're getting petitions signed and planting trees and taking family pictures by gravesites, and what have I been doing?
I've been too busy to grieve. There. I've said it. Grieving takes a lot of energy. Remembering takes a lot of initiative and creativity. Looking deeply into the hole in your heart is painful. Forgive me, but I still feel a lot of "mommy guilt" even if Nicholas & Olivia aren't here. You know, the guilt you experience when you read articles and talk to other moms and hear about the stuff you're not doing? My mommy guilt is eased with Sabrina, because even though I haven't parented her well, by the grace of God, she's an amazing little person. However, I don't have such visible results with my twins. It's so much easier to pour into Sabrina all that I would have poured into the three of them.
I need a grieving mom mentor. Someone wise and caring who has gone before me and can tell me that it's OK to not know what to do to remember my babies. Someone who will tell me I'm not a failure because I can hardly recall anything about their life at home, before their time in hospital. Someone who will gently remind me that time has carried us forward and that it is good and acceptable and right to live well. Someone who knows that grieving doesn't ever stop, that it ebbs and flows with the rhythms of your life. Someone who will call me on holding myself under perpetual judgment when no one else does.
I am surprised that I still struggle with not wanting to grieve, a year and a half later. With how well I can compartmentalize that time in my life and focus on what's in front of me, in the here and now. With how impatient I am with myself and the process.
As hard as it is, I am so thankful to God for putting me in a place that's too big for me to handle on my own. When I allow it in, His grace makes life flow in a way that I never could. Being too busy to grieve also means being too busy to allow Him to fully heal my broken places. Just as a physical injury needs to be treated gently and with respect, so does my heart.
7 comments:
I would actually argue that you are grieving, you are doing it your way. There is no universal "right" way to grieve, just as there is no universal "right" way to parent. When I have conductd grief groups I have used the metaphor that grief is much like the undertow of the ocean. There are days when you can play in the ocean, smile and laugh. All seems okay, despite being able to feel the undertow's presence as it passes by, but then there are days when you put one toe in the ocean and wind up flat on your back now knowing just what the hell happened. Grief is unpredictable at times. And like the ocean undertow it never goes away, you just learn ways to manage being in it on the days it is strong and feels overpowering.
I wish I had a magic wand to rid you of the mommy guilt. I hope I've helped a little bit with offering compassion and support to you as a mere mortal with no magical power.
Your loss is something I cannot begin to imagine having never experienced the deat of a child, let alone two. However, grieving I can well understand having grieved myself and worked with those whom have as well.
You mentioned you would like to find a mentor for the grieving process. A suggestion for finding someone like that might be to contact a non-profit hospice near you. Many offer bereavement services to members of the community who have not received Hospice care. They may know of a program, or have one of their own. Also you could check with your local hospital's NICU or PEDS social worker who also may be able to connect you to where you might be able to find a mentor.
I don't claim to have every answer to every question, but I hope the ones I've offered will help reduce your Mommy Guilt.
Thanks Devra, I like the undertow metaphor.
Wish I could do more for you than a metaphor, but it's something. : )
hey Lis. i agre with your friend devra, a very wise person, .. everyone grieves differently and i think because you lead a very busy life working and looking after your family you think your obligated to spend more time thinking and "grieving" for Nicky and Livy. you dont remember much of that time because it also was so busy.. but anyone will tell you that you loved and cared for them through their very hard times .. you held them and kissed them and told them you loved them.. you talked to them and played with them and rocked them to sleep.every moment of their little lives you were with them cooing and smiling .. Guilt .. i dont think so .. miss them .. i know i do . and i know you do .. but now they are with Jesus and He is loving them for you just like you did.. just continue to remember them the way you do .. that will be the right thing.. i love you so much my girlxxoo
What have you been doing? You have been LIVING! The most important thing that you can do and that our children would want us to continue doing. Some of the blogs that you are reading are mothers who have just recently lost their babies or who are still fighting with them (If I am guessing at the right ones). The pain is still fresh and raw and we are still consumed by it. I am happy to know that you are able to move past the all consuming grief and moved on to something that ebbs and flows as your friend mentioned. Don't feel guilty. Take care of your family as only you can and know that your angels are smiling down on you.
Kristen (Georgia's mom)
Thanks, Ma. I really needed that. Love you :o)
Thanks Kristen. Your story is inspiring and amazing. I appreciate your encouragement.
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