Having it All

As Easter approaches, Jesus' great sacrifice is on my mind. Also on my mind has been coming to terms with going back to work. My time at home has been peaceful, restorative, and slow-paced. I've been able to serve my family in ways I never had the time or inclination for. I've also been able to see what is really important and take the time to realign my priorities. One of the greatest gifts the deaths of my children has given me is the perspective that this isn't all there is. Therefore, I want to ensure that I use my limited time on this earth doing what is most important.

I thought I could figure that out on my own, and I had become convinced that I needed to turn my life in a completely different direction. You see, I have taken 10 years to build a satisfying career at a really great company. I assumed after the birth of my twins that I would stay at home with them for a few months on maternity leave, then hire a nanny to take care of the whole bunch. Because I was a woman with a career who happened to have a family too.

The abundance of twin babies changed my heart. I finally embraced motherhood and the deep blessings that can be found if you're willing to give up all of yourself in exchange. My career became unimportant, only necessary for our current financial situation. After the twins died, one by one, I was lost. I was now a woman with a mother's heart, having just discovered the fullness of keeping home and family, and my babies were gone. I poured into Sabrina and Corrie, and decided that would have to be enough unless God decided to change our family situation.

I have actually dreaded going back to work. I'm very close to the people I work with, and they felt my loss deeply. They have been wonderfully generous and supportive, and while I appreciate it with all my heart, it also makes it feel like my tragedy is very public and ever-present. It also felt like I was returning in defeat, since I had left in such abundance. Anxiety plagued me all weekend, and I had decided that Monday was too soon to return to work. This morning, I was still adamant that it was too soon, that I couldn't do it yet. My home was my safe place.

God took matters into his own hands. Through a series of what many people would call "coincidences" it became clear to me that I was to face my fear and return to work today. Once I had made the decision to do so, the heaviness that I had been under broke, and I knew that I could do anything through Him who strengthens me. I had a really good day at work. As soon as I was settled into my workstation, a feeling of peace came over me and I knew I was right where I was supposed to be.

What does all this have to do with Jesus' sacrifice? As I was driving to work today and coming to terms with the realization that living out the idea of motherhood God is calling me to may not be what I thought it was supposed to be, I considered the concept that maybe there's someone out there in my sphere of influence at work that God wants me to be involved with. Maybe, just maybe, one of the many reasons my twins were taken to heaven so soon was to ensure that I would be able to fulfill God's will for someone else. Then I was horrified. My sweet babies taken from me so I could help someone else?

Now, please don't take this out of context. Where I'm going with this is that I think God led me through this thought path as the tiniest glimpse of the reality of the sacrifice of Christ. He gave up His perfect Son for us, for those who did not deserve Him. Do you know how much that cost?