Redemption

In my very first post I wrote about the gifts that Nicholas' short life and death has brought us. That and the hope that Olivia's short life and death has brought us have been the theme of my journey here.

When I got over the inital shock of hearing that we were to be blessed with twins, I was able to embrace the concept that not only was I going to get a second chance at welcoming a new baby into our family, but a third chance at the same time! I so wanted another chance. Looking back at Sabrina's birth and first few months as a baby, I've realized that I suffered from postpartum depression. This was more than the "baby blues". I was a person who was career-driven, self-centred, and had up until then very little experience with children. I would even say that I had never really been a child; I didn't play with my dolls and stuffed animals, but had preferred to read and learn instead. So take this person and place her into a situation where in order to succeed you had to give up all you were and serve this little one who had been entrusted to your care. To be honest, it was really hard, and I don't remember enjoying it much.

God slowly but surely worked on my heart in the years since. Over time, as Sabrina grew and matured, and I was able to find ways to relate to her, I enjoyed her more and more. She was so cute!

But motherhood was still an arena where I felt very inadequate. I would observe other mothers and wonder why I couldn't play and have fun with Sabrina like they could with their children. So I sought out places where I was successful, like work. But I couldn't balance my family life and my work life, because I was pulled to where I felt validated and competent. I thank God that He never gave up on my stubborn, prideful heart. As I sought to know Him better and study His Word, He gently revealed to me those areas where I needed to put Corrie and Sabrina first. He enabled me to learn how to serve them and learn how to love them the way they need to be loved. And just as my heart was starting to be turned toward my family, we discovered we were expecting twins. Which brings me back to where I started. Since I felt like I had ruined the only time I had to experience Sabrina as a baby, I was excited that I was going to be given double the opportunity to get back what I had lost.

And when we brought those twins home, my heart was in it. I enjoyed them so much; the abundance of two babies, discovering how different they were, learning what would keep them healthy and would make them content. Being able to care for both of them at the same time. As they weakened and died, one by one, my hopes of redemption died with them.

When I returned to work, I started to grieve all over again. I didn't understand why going back to a place where I was cared for and validated held so much anxiety for me. Through prayer and therapy, I was able to see that I did not want to return to being that person I had been before the twins came. God then showed me that I was grieving the reality that I could not be my own redeemer. There was nothing I could do to fix my mistakes, to replace what I had lost. The hope came when He reminded me that Jesus came and died so that He could be my Redeemer. His sacrifice has covered all those lost and wasted opportunities. He has promised us in His Word that He will restore "what the locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25), and that means that in Christ I can have a fresh start. What a precious gift!