The underlying theme of this blog has not only been to remember my twins Nicholas and Olivia, but to chronicle the journey they have taken me on, from conception to pregnancy to infancy to death to life after death. I am grateful for the gifts they have given me on this journey and I am overwhelmed by how much God cares for me each time I continue to be presented with one.The latest gift I have received is vulnerability. Now, those of you who have read this blog all the way through may argue that I have been vulnerable here. I agree. It has been uncomfortable, sometimes scary, always rewarding. I have an intense need to not be judged, to be found acceptable, to execute every situation perfectly. To not be rejected for who I really am and what I'm really thinking about. This has been a relatively safe place to do that.
Is there a deeper level of vulnerability? For me, yes. I've decided to put my profile on to Facebook.
OK, before you roll around with laughter or mouse over to your Favorites to hit another blog, hear me out. I've been a Facebook "lurker" for a while. I hack into my husband's profile and go and see how everyone's doing, share nothing of myself, then log off. My eyes were opened to see that this is how I do relationship. I choose who I want to open myself to, and when. I hide behind surface interaction and share nothing. Even this blog, while a big step for me, has only allowed you to see what I wanted to write about.
Without this amazing journey with my beautiful babies I don't know what would have brought me to this place where God could speak so deeply to my heart. So, tonight, I become a "lurker" no more. I choose to put myself out there in a new and challenging way for me and will see how God uses it for my good and not my harm.
There are some who will read this post and have no idea what I'm talking about. That's OK. God wired you to be social, interactive people and I believe that God in His goodness has placed you in my life to be an example of how I've always wanted to live. I love you for wondering why I would be apprehensive about doing something that you think is really fun. I pray that you understand that revealing myself in this way is a step of faith and that it is a big deal for me.
Thank you Father, for sending Nicholas and Olivia into my life to put me on a path that I didn't even know I needed. Thank you for the gift of brokenness that continues to soften my heart, open my eyes, and set me free. You have promised to make a something beautiful out of all the shattered pieces.
4 comments:
Hmmm, okay I have to admit I laughed a little. But when I read further down it does totally make sense.
You are the only person I know who sees relenting and adding their profile to FB as growth though:-)
p.s. I love that picture. Tile mosaic's are such a powerful metaphor for what God can do!
You know what? I completely understand this. I have been on facebook for a while, but since Tabitha's birth, I have mostly just lurked. It is so hard to even post a status, a thing that everyone else does so casually and carelessly, because nothing in my life is casual and careless anymore. Nothing is off-the-cuff. And I can't escape the feeling that whatever I put on facebook is going to misrepresent things somehow, that I will be trivializing my grief if I write something funny or that people will make assumptions. Or that if I write things about Tabitha, I will be forcing people to react to or acknowledge my pain.
I know that I can be too preoccupied with how my grief appears to others, and I think (for me) the facebook dilemma is just another manifestation of this.
(As always, this doesn't really say everything that I mean--and I'm not sure if this makes sense--but I'm not going to delete this comment.)
:)
Our girl would have turned 5 this August, I miss her everyday.
Her absence is like the sky, it covers everything. C.S.L.
My Husband and I have Werdnic Hoffman gene. Thanks for sharing your heart.
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