A piece of my heart was healed yesterday. I know this to be true. I've been seeking God in prayer for a while, sometimes from a dark place, sometimes from a gray place, sometimes from a bright place. Maybe more shades of gray than anything, lately. I don't know what He's been working out in me, but I do know from experience that if I go along with it and try not to perfect it myself that I will emerge changed yet again.
This time, as I was doing something mundane like brushing my teeth, my mind was wandering to places of anxiety and uncertainty, doing the "what if's", and a small Voice broke through my thoughts. There was someone who could help me.
My mother-in-law. I could let her help me this time. And a piece of my heart was healed of an unexplainable anxiety I have carried for a long time. You see, Corrie's mom and I have always gotten along well, mostly because of her big heart. She and I are opposites in so many ways. She's generous, free-spirited, open, and FUN! She will drop everything to play with a child, will always be having someone in the neighborhood over for dinner or coffee, and would give the last of anything she had to help someone in need. She will usually know the life story of anyone she meets, because she cares to hear it.
I think on some level I have been uncomfortably aware of my own emotional poverty when I have been around her, and I have been afraid to learn from her or receive from her because it would have exposed all the things I'm not. Or all the things I wasn't before Nicholas and Olivia came along. When we had the twins, I asked my mom to help because she was my safe place. She knew me, really knew what I could be like, and still loved me. I wasn't in a place where I could have received help from Corrie's mom, and I didn't know why at the time, but I know now that it was linked to a place in my heart I didn't even recognize needed to be healed.
I'm grieved as I write this that I did not provide the opportunities to open up her grandkid's lives to her in the way I should have. And as my mind was wandering to a "what if we were ever to have twins again..." scenario (just because that's where my mind wandered), the Spirit touched that broken place in my heart and filled me with joy at the thought that if I needed anything she would be there for me. That I no longer was under the bondage of not being found worthy. She has never held that over me. I held it over myself.
1 comment:
oh my sweet sweet girl, you must remember that God has given each of us our own special gifts to share with one another..i Love you with all my heart ,and must tell you that the time i spent with my precious Nicholas and Olivia are memories that i will cherish all my life .you must also remember at that time everyone was in such termoil and under such stress that really nobody could fault anyone for anything. Looking back now as i often do , you made all the right decisions regarding your home life and the life of your family.. Your mom was a Blessing at that time and God gave her the gift of patience and understnading and the stamina to go on day after day for months , putting aside her own needs for the needs of her family.. As you know a mothers love can endure anything !This family has all learned so much from the short time our Twins were here ,and everyday i thank God for that time .God is good and blesses each one of us with the gift of Love ...a gift you share with all of us and those around you everytime you write on this blog.Thankyou for sharing your heart with me , a big beautiful heart filled with love . i will always love you and will always be ther for you when you need me. love momxxoo
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