10 years

It's been 5 years since I've been back here.  As time progresses, memories become less sharp, but the absence does not.  When you lose a child, or two, you continually run into what would have been their future.  What would they have looked like?  What would they be passionate about? 

This is Sabrina on her 10th birthday.  Already at 10 she looks so much like the mature young woman she is today.  I can only imagine what Nicholas and Olivia would have looked like.

In the last 5 years our family has changed significantly.  Just as it has continued to change the day Nicholas and Olivia were born.  A hot summer day in July, a surprise birthday present for their dad!

Nicholas, Olivia, I have been most blessed to be your mother.  Happy birthday beautiful ones...

A Cold Winter Morning

Again I shall behold thee, daughter true;

The hour will come when I shall behold thee fast

In God's name, loving thee all through and through.

Somewhere in His grand thought this waits for us.

Then I shall see a smile not like thy last -

For that great thing which came when all was past,

Was not a smile, but God's peace glorious.

 

- George Macdonald

Olivia, I missed the best and sweetest time with you, and it haunts me still.  I had to make the choice that no mother should make and I loved out of what I had.  The only thing that gives me hope is that one day we will have an eternity to get to know each other.  Sweet one, you went on before us on a cold winter morning but you are never far from our hearts.

Happy New Year!

It has become a tradition for me to write a New Year's letter, but this year it's hard to know where to start.  2012 has been a challenging year, with many positive moments as well as many opportunities to learn and grow. 

Our family went through a number of significant events this year.  Zoe turned 2, with all the joys that a toddler brings, and Sabrina turned 10.  The girls are our delight and as we all grow older we continue to grow closer.  Corrie's mom and little sister moved back to Manitoba from BC in April and stayed with us until they moved in to their own place down the street in November.  There were many rich moments of reconnecting as family, and a lot of learnings too. 

Professionally, I was privileged to take part in a leadership training program that took me to Minneapolis and New Orleans, all over a number of months.  It was an incredible learning experience and was very exciting to see a greater perspective of the excellent company that Cargill is.  It was also a great opportunity for Corrie to play "Mr. Mom" while I was away.


Personally, this year ended on a low note for me.  I don't know how to describe it other than "burn out" and couldn't begin to describe where it came from in a letter like this.  Let's just say that it's been a long time in coming.  The beautiful part about it has been that I found Jesus.  And He wasn't the Jesus I thought I had been following.  I have been astonished to find that I have missed the mark for a long time and now am on a search to know everything I can about who He really is.  If that doesn't make sense to you, I say "great! join me!"

 

I feel that as a family, we are at a critical place.  We have wanted to see change in many areas.  We are working through what has held us back and exploring what we can do differently.  While we both love our peaceful, cozy home and love to spend time recharging there, it's time for some adventure.

 

Bring it on, 2013!

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Still Heartbroken

On a day such as this where we remember that it is possible that a little boy who looks like his dad can go to heaven far too soon, we will also honor that a heart can still be broken.

For the past 5 years, I have been ignoring my broken heart, not listening to my broken heart, medicating my broken heart, running away from my broken heart, tending other people's broken hearts, focusing on other things than my broken heart, escaping from my broken heart, and being angry the whole time that it is still broken.

I started being angry last year at Sabrina's Christmas pageant when I realized that I would never see my twins-who-would-start-kindergarten-this-year in their first school pageant.  I love watching the kindergarten kids at the Christmas pageant.  I would have dressed Nicholas in stiff new jeans and probably tried to get away with a sweater vest and collared shirt.  His little blond head would have shone under the lights and I like to believe that he would have sung his little heart out for Baby Jesus.

I think I have been angry since then.  I'm really tired.  And still heartbroken. 

I think confronting my brokenness puts me in a good posture for awaiting my Saviour this Advent season.  Thank you, Nicholas, for continuing to grace my life with your sweet presence.  If 5 years can pass so quickly, then I am grateful that the day we will see each other again in spirit and body isn't as far away as it seems.

5 years

I feel like I've said everything that can be said about my Nicholas and Olivia - their birth, their life, their death, their purpose.  Today marks 5 years since I gave birth to twins on their father's birthday.  I've never said that yet.  Parents always marvel at the passage of time, but we still marvel at the widening gap between knowing them and living without them.

This picture is from Sabrina's 5th birthday.  I did not get a chance to celebrate this milestone with her either because I was with her brother in the hospital.  I am sad about that too.

We will celebrate this day and remember.  There will be balloons and cards and cake.  There will be laughter and memories and love.

happy father's day

 The best darn dad we ever had.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
 Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127: 4-5

Happy Mother's Day!

Me and my girls.

One of the few pictures of the three of us.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Psalm 127:3

Happy 2nd Birthday!!

Zoe, each day we get to share with you is precious.  You are a gift from God indeed.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Psalm 23:6

Robbed, Part II

I hesitated at going through with my previous post, but there is something healing in being truthful and bringing dark places to the light.  I didn't mean to leave things here that raw for so long, because in fact just by sharing it took the power out of it and it is a healed place now.  So, here is the conclusion:

Yes, I was robbed.  But Jesus made it right.

Robbed

I was robbed.

For a long time I have not wanted to admit this.  Because I didn't want to acknowledge that we live in a world in which I can be robbed and God is still good.

But I was still robbed.  And God is still good.

I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth.
Job 19:25

Remembering Olivia

Where has my little Livvie gone?  Where is the sister that belongs between the oldest and the youngest?  Where is the tiny bright one?

Olivia's death was so desolate because we thought she was to be our consolation.  We were determined that her loss would not be the death of hope as well.  We were determined that hope would continue on.

That's a lot of responsibility for a baby girl, but I think she would have been able to handle it.  I was so curious to see the woman she would grow up to be.  I could see a glimpse of it in the little person she was.

Olivia Hope, what more can I say?  You already know my heart.  Peace, little one.

But I am like an olive tree
   flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love
   for ever and ever.
For what you have done I will always praise you
   in the presence of your faithful people.
And I will hope in your name,
   for your name is good. 
Psalm 52:8-9

Happy New Year!

I love the start of a new year.  It is fresh, full of possibilities, and a chance to begin again.  I'm also into making resolutions.  I am a person for whom the possibilities are endless, and I need the structure and discipline of narrowing my focus.

 

I have only one resolution this year.  

Not to be so hard on myself.

 

I also know that there are some areas of my life that I need to establish some convictions, but I wouldn't call those resolutions.  They are just part of fulfilling the big one.   Because in my world the possibilities are endless, I have a hard time making decisions.  Coming to conclusions.  Finishing things.  I am embarking on a journey in prayer and in the Word to establish God's truth in a number of areas in my life.  Being a mom who works.  How to manage our money with both discipline and generosity.  How far I need to go to ensure my family is healthy.  Being a person who makes decisions with wisdom and discernment, and not impulsively.  How to balance all the people and things I am responsible for, and to give each of them their appropriate place and energy.

I have felt a heart call to seek what holiness means.  What it means to live as a Christ-follower in this society, this time in history, the relationships in which I have been placed.  While this may sound counter-intuitive to my one resolution, what it means is that it forces me to learn how to run to the Lord's throne of grace and receive mercy in my time of need.  I don't know how to do that, but I sure do mean to find out. 

As far as taking stock of 2011, I would say overall it was "no better, no worse".  The areas in which we seek significant change still continue to exist.  No better, no worse.  What that tells me is that we haven't found the root causes yet, and if there's something I love to do, it is to seek out why things are the way they are.  The only area I would say that this doesn't apply is how we relate to each other as a family.  We delight in our children in a way that is better and better every day.  We have realized that the "keeping up with the Joneses" kind of world we are surrounded by is empty and false, and long for simplicity and sweet time together.  The Lord continues to be gracious to us in this area, but of course we always want more.

Practically, the significant event of 2011 I would record here would be Corrie's return to Dr. Hook early in the year.  He finally has a Ford with an auto-loader, a dream come true for him.  However, I wouldn't be surprised to see a change coming up soon, if the right truck comes along.  Or if the right job comes along.  While towing continues to be successful for him, it is at a cost of a lot of time away from his family.  We would like to see that change, if possible.  I also returned to work in February.  I returned to my same job and the Lord linked us up with a loving family close by who takes excellent care of our kids.  I think we have settled into an acceptable routine.  When I despair that I don't get to see enough of my girls, I remember that it is a gift that I even get to see them every day.  I remember that we have two more kids that we can only see in our memories.

As I was thinking of a Scripture to proclaim over the coming year, this one came to mind.  I am encouraged by the truth that God wants to refresh us from "the river of His pleasures".  Dear friends and family, it is our heartfelt prayer that you receive all the blessings God has in store for you in 2012!

Your mercy, O LORD, is in the heavens;
       Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
 Your righteousness is like the great mountains;
       Your judgments are a great deep;
       O LORD, You preserve man and beast.
        
 How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
       Therefore the children of men put their trust
       under the shadow of Your wings. 

They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
       And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.
 For with You is the fountain of life;
       In Your light we see light. 

Psalm 36: 5-9

Remembering Nicholas

We had a son once.

He was a beautiful boy with a gentle spirit.  He was happy and snuggly and looked like his dad.

Our house needs a little boy.  We need cars and trucks and denim overalls and army men.  We need hockey sticks and footballs and a fort in the big tree in the back yard.

Nicholas, we miss you more and more with each passing year.  Not just for the little boy you were, but also for the son you were going to be.  Our only consolation is that we will know you in eternity - all of you, the Nicholas we never really got a chance to know - and that we will be reunited then.

...for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith... 1 John 5:4

4 Years Already

This year marks what would have been Nicholas & Olivia's 4th birthday.  Here's a picture of Sabrina from the day of her 4th birthday:

Wow.  They would have been little kids by now.

As the time since they left this earth grows longer and longer, I find that this day is more of a remembrance for me than it is a celebration of another milestone for them.  I can't help but think this way.  They are now ageless in Heaven and to celebrate a traditional birthday for them just doesn't make sense anymore.

This is the day that I gave birth to twins.  4 years ago already.  They did actually exist on this earth.  They did come for a purpose, that was accomplished in its fullness, as the Lord willed.  I would have done it all over again, just for the exquisite pleasure of being their mom for the time I was given.

Happy Birth-day, my darlings.  We remember you today.

Happy Father's Day!

 

Such a good dad...

Life With Zoe

Mother's Day Tribute

Ok, I have to start with a confession. It did not occur to me until it was practically too late that Mother's Day was actually this weekend. Is it earlier this year?? Since both our mothers do not live in our city, any kind of special occasion like this requires planning and forethought. *sigh*

So, on top of begging my mother's forgiveness for my oversight (oh, the infinite grace of a mother!) I turned to the Lord and asked Him what could I do to honor her today. I believe He put it on my heart to tell her about the things I remember.

My mother is a woman who likes to keep busy. Even if she is sitting still, she needs to be doing something with her hands. She is an artist with yarn, and not only has knitted beautiful sweaters for me, but I especially remember a bunting bag for my dolls she made that was perfect because you could put all your doll stuff in the bottom of it. I wished I still had it for my real babies, but we couldn't find it or the pattern again. Crochet is her preference now, and she is generous with her creations. Her handmade, intricate afghans have been given to many as gifts, including the kids at the Children's Hospital. I love her creative process. She takes great care to choose her colors and patterns, and almost always alters the pattern to make it her own. If she makes an error, she will always unravel and fix it. Even if she was almost done and it was near the beginning. It always boggled my mind that she would do that when only she would know there was a flaw. Now I know it is a mark of her character and integrity. I think she enjoys the process just as much as the end result.

My mom has a servant heart. If you have followed this blog, you know she was there for us through everything we went through with the twins. But you should also know that she has always been there for her children. I remember the lengths she would go to for our Hallowe'en costumes. She once hand-made a Raggedy Ann costume for me, complete with red yarn wig. She also sourced out all the things I needed to be a mad scientist one year. I don't know that I would do that even for my own kids, to be honest.

Our house was always neat and clean. We always ate homemade, nourishing food. I didn't know it at the time, but the care that she put into our home was a center point of stability for us. Our family had its issues, as most families do, but our home was not chaotic. And she was so kind to me. As a traditional home, the care of the household was my mom's responsibility. She would remember how she felt as the only daughter growing up, and would often excuse me from chores. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have helped her more.

We never went out shopping on a Saturday until she took the time to balance her checkbook. I wish I had paid more attention to the significance of that. She has always been a careful steward of what has been entrusted to her, and I respect that. I wish that kind of attribute was genetic. I have had to learn that one the hard way.

I remember how kind she was to our elderly neighbor growing up. She would visit with her often, check in on her, and help her out. I admire that quality in her. I would like to be like that. My Christianity has tended to be theoretical. Hers has been practical.

There are so many more things I remember. And they are the things that now shape how I serve my own family. I have had a slow maturity. I am not the girl I once was. But I believe the woman I am becoming has had a lot to do with remembering all the ways I was served by my mother.

Happy Easter

"...in Your Kingdom, broken lives are made new..."

He is risen indeed!

Happy 1st Birthday!

It has been a most blessed year since you joined our family, Zoe. I believe your special gift, your anointing, is to bring joy to those around you. Your infectious smile, good nature, and joyous spirit brings abundant life wherever you go. We celebrate you today!

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10

The Birth Story of Zoe Grace

Our Zoe burst forth into this world on a sunny afternoon of a beautiful spring day. I had been experiencing rumblings for days before, leaving me with a vague feeling like her arrival could be at any time.

At about 2:30 in the morning, I leapt out of bed as best a 9-month pregnant woman could. I was astonished to discover that my water had broke, completely on its own. I sleepily thought to myself, well this is going to be a long day so I should get some rest, and went back to bed. I woke again a few hours later, alerted my midwife that labour had started, and she popped by to make sure we were doing all right.

I spent the morning wandering around the house, made some soup, and marveled that I wasn't in any discomfort. Maybe my prayers for an easy labour had been answered! When my midwife came to check on us again around 1:00 she expressed some concern that labour had not really progressed and reminded me that we really only had about a 24-hour window from when my water broke before we would have to consider further medical intervention.

So I got down to work. I marched and squatted around and around my basement, reluctant to walk outside and go any distance from the house. It didn't take long for contractions to intensify and become constant around that magic 5 minute mark. Sabrina was due home from school just after 3:00 and I asked Corrie to take me to the hospital because I knew it wouldn't be long. I could feel Zoe descend with each contraction. So, after only 1 1/2 hours of active labour we met the midwife at the labour & delivery triage. I was only 4 cm but working hard, and my wonderful midwife convinced the L & D staff that I was ready for a LDRP room (labour, delivery, recovery, postpartum). I was increasingly uncomfortable, and had to concentrate very hard on keeping my inner stillness and relaxing through the contractions. This was my first labour without an epidural, and I was using prayer, breathing, meditation, and singing to help my body do the work it needed to do. We were only settled in the room for a few minutes when the tub was ready, and I was grateful for the warm water on my lower back.

However, the relaxation of the tub progressed my labour significantly, and after only about 15 minutes, I was urgently aware of an intense need to push, and the staff scrambled to haul me out of the tub and rush me back to my room. I think it was only two pushes and Zoe's head burst forth with a yell. She made her first cry even before she was completely out! Then one more push and she was in my arms.

I think we were all shocked. This was not what I had envisioned my natural delivery to be like, but I was grateful it was over so quickly. We had only been at the hospital about 1 1/2 hours, and from the onset of active labour, it had actually only been 3 hours in total. I think my body was surprised at how quickly Zoe's birth had taken place, too. The second midwife arrived to help with our after care, and she and Corrie gave Zoe her first bath. She, however, did not want a bath yet and was quite ready to eat!

I was excited and energized - we laid Zoe on my chest and allowed her to find the breast on her own. I was delighted to discover that she knew exactly what to do, and for the first time in my life as a mother, I was able to feed my child naturally with confidence. God is such a redeemer!

This is quite likely to be my last birth experience, and I'm so glad I was able to go out on a high note. Our little Zoe, full of life abundant, would not be held back and took charge of her own birth. I was just along for the ride. Praise be to God!

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.
James 1:17