So, here we are. We've made it past all our big milestones.
Now what?
I thought I would be relieved to have the tension of this season of rememberance over and be ready to start fresh into another year. But, what am I moving on to, exactly? My children, and the events of last year, are a distant memory to all but the people closest to us. I struggle with how I'm going to keep them present with us and their memories alive in a real, tangible way. I have no new stories. No new pictures. No opportunities to proudly share how they've grown and what they're doing. You've heard it all before.
The farther I get away from their point in time, the more I come up against a new kind of loneliness. I long for understanding, for someone who "gets it". I fight against my children fading into obscurity, part of that unfortunate "thing" nobody ever talks about. All around me, families are going about their lives, children growing and changing. Without Sabrina, I would have been totally left behind.
So, now what?
4 comments:
I hear you. Sigh.
HUGS...
I never met Nicholas while he was on earth and I only spent time with Olivia for a few hours one Sunday. I know them through you really. It's odd but a lot of times I miss them too.
Just found your blog through Google Alert. Sorry to hear that you lost your twins to SMA. Just wanted to say that we are here for you if you ever want to talk, I have SMA and am 21 and they are dancing free eternally. Big hugs to you and your family.
I "get it". That's why I check your blog every day- what you write echoes my own thoughts so well.
January 4th was the last of our 4 anniversaries. My Mom actually said to me, "I think that after the 4th you will get better"... as if that magical date was supposed to make all the pain disappear! She means well, trying to help, but she does not "get it".
My husband tells me I am putting too much responsibility and pressure on myself- that I think that I am the only one responsible for keeping their memories alive, and yet- how can I not feel that way when its true?! No one else is putting effort into remembering them!
So, know that you are not alone in your struggles, Lisa- I understand and wish we could chat about it in person!
Post a Comment